a long, soul searching entry
Well hello friends! Dropped by mom's house so i figured i'd jot a line real quick. I have done a lot of soul searching lately i guess you could say, and i think that i have finally become comfortable taking the step forwarded i have been needing to take, not anything in particular, well some things i guess, but more just in every aspect of my life.
I've been wanting to write about these many revelations, but as i've said, the internet doesn't work at my house and i am never near a computer when i'm thinking about these things, and of course, right now i should be studying so i can really delve into it too much either. But Blaine is working on getting my computer fixed, so hopefully yall will get some insight soon.
First of all, the thing that has stood out most to me as of late is the fact that everyone is really growing up, like i can actually SEE it, and I think that's amazing! People tell me that the internet is no substitute for talking on the phone or writing or seeing friends, but i don't care, i have to disagree with that. Or i guess you could look at it as these journals everyone has are similar to letters, or that our online conversations are nearly as good as phone conversations. Don't get me wrong, I love to hear the voices of my friends, you getter a better idea of how they REALLY are doing, but i think internet is vital!
Through these journal things, I get to see what Hollie and Misty are going through, since i obviously can't BE there. and no, it's not the phone, but i never delve deeply into topics on the phone anyway, so writing is fine, by me atleast. But back to what i was saying, i have seen misty and hollie grow up a lot just reading their journals. Sometimes, when i read them, as cheesey as it sounds, it almost warms my heart in a way. I guess just to see the progression, how they are tackling problems now verses how they use to. not that one way is more right than the other, i just think it is amazing to see the differences. It makes me feel this.. i don't know just this way, and I guess the only way to describe it is to say that i'm seeing them grow up into beautiful, strong, caring women, and it's just so crazy.
And like Candace, she is a year younger, so when i talk to her and read her journals and all of that, I see her going through a little bit different phase of life. Which is also amazing because that's where i was last year. And it's een crazier with her because she's at TAMUCC, and lives in the dorms, and is around all the same things that i was around. She helps me reflect a lot on what i experienced and learned last year, which is a good thing, because the more and more i reflect on everything, i don' tknow, i guess i am just realizing more about myself... i don't know, there's some quote about you don't really know yourself until you search through all the past.. no it doens't go anything like that but it's something to that extent, i'll find it later. But it's cool to see her kind of just stepping out into the world and seeing how things are different than high school, and being on her own the first time, and all the firsts, like pulling all-nighters, and finals, and walking to class in the rain =), and meeting new people, getting use to a new place. It's just cool to see someone take those steps and already knowing what they are experiencing. I guess i kind of get to be a cheerleader for her in a way, and just let her know that everythings is okay and that even the setbacks and downers (grades, boys, friends, ect) that that is all a part of it, the good and the bad, the happy and sad, the lonely and the social.
i sound so cheesey right? but there's more.
Like Megan, i rarely ever talk to that girl, but that is one person i consider very very close to me. We chat online occasionally, very randomly we'll talk briefly on the phone, but usually i just see her when i visit Corpus or when she comes into town. But i don' think our friendship suffers because of it or anything. If i need something or have a question or need an opinion, i just pick up the phone and call her, and in a way it makes me feel like i only call when i need something, but i don't feel like it's like that. does that make sense? And even in the few times i talk to her, i see her growing up, and i see her looking at things differently. She's started to care more about things besides partying, which of course she still cares about ;) haha but i guess there's more of a balance now. and hell, now she wants to get her own apartment by herself! and this is the girl who always had to be surrounded by people, who always had to be doing something. And she's really really excited about becoming a teacher, and it's cool just to hear the enthusiasm about school, especially considering last year she could have given a rat's ass.
And like Courtney... man i love that freakin girl. If there is anyone in the world besides Shannon Stroud that i ever thought was just like me, it's her. She may be a lil crazier, maybe a tad bit rougher around the edges, the only way to explain it is she is me without the experiences of stuco, class office, and the "typical" high school shit. She makes me think that even without all that crap, i would've turned out pretty much the same. It's just so funny to me that me of all people gave into the idea of being like everyone else... i mean in ways i wasn't, but i was trying so hard to impress everyone, and not so much be someone that i wasn't, bcause i loved all of that, but in some ways, it wasn't me, does that make any sense? And she has grown up so much since last year... she realizes the importance of school, and going to class, and doing the work, and having a job, and actually going to and keeping the job. She's started to see that yes friends are important, but doing it on your own is more important, and i saw her struggle with that, and overcome it... and in a lot of ways that mirrors what i've been working with. And she sees that some sacrifices have to be made, whether you want to make them or not... and just talking to her and reading what she has to say, it has helped me a lot in my own struggles...
Watching all of them has helped me in my own struggles. And ya know, somtimes i DO feel really shitty about the kind of friend i am to those who are away from me, which is virtually everyone except for Blaine, but at the same time i don' tfeel bad, i guess not bad enough to do aything about it. But in some ways i don' tthink it's bad because i love them and they all love me, and we don't have to talk often, because what we have is always there. And i do know that i should pick up the phone occasionally, to behonest with you, i think about it all the time. But i'm either too busy, or i'm doing something, or i'm about to do something, and those moments just kind of pass me by. No joke, there are times where i will think atleast once a days for a matter of weeks or months even about someon in particular, wondering how they are, where life is taking them, just how they're holding up, and just wanting to let them know that i still care, but i just don't... for one rason or another. Maybe that should be my new year's resolution or something. But i guess at the same time i feel/know that everyone is busy with their lives now, building up their lives, their social circles, amongst other things, to the points of having a real life just like in high school. i myself have had a few minor setbacks, but i even struggle to get my life order, to get my act together. So i guess a lot of the time i just have a hard time drawing that line... i don't know. But i do have deep convictions about how little i talk with the people i care about, so i think maybe i need to start trying harder.
There are a lot of other people too, but that's all i really have time for i guess. But people like Liz who's still in highschool, and my brother in junior high, and my guy friends in the military or in school... i just notice that in small ways, we all go through similar things, and we all respond differently than everyone else, and differently than ourselves in other periods of our lives. I cna't even capture all the things that i've thought about this, and i know some people think i'm crazy, but i guess observing everyone's lives and them growing up has really shed a lot of light on my own life, and that's cool ya know? I'm glad to see everyone become who they are ya know?
okay, enough of that. =) i'm sure i bored yall all to tears. but i still love you!
nothing new in my life, my apartment is a mess, but i can't clean until after finals, finals start tomorrow, so i'm kind of stressing about that. But i have been working really hard so hopefully it will pay off.
i love brandon, he is so perfect to me... it's so crazy, and i guess it's kind of strange, but i just think about how great he is, and how he almost always says the right thing, and how when i think about things he's said, or done, or thigns we've done, places we've gone, it brings this big cheesing grin to my face, haha which is kind of embarressing when people are like why are you smiling? haha. How great he is makes me think about roger... how unhappy i was, how mean he was sometimes, all the times he should've been there and wasn't, all the just fucked up things that happened... and i had never thought about it before.... he was the one who treated me the best out of everyone... and he treated me shitty! and i guess brandon just enables me to see that. i realize what it is SUPPOSED to be like ya know?
I think about him a lot, roger, but in a negative way i guess. I know that he is a good person ya know? but when i think about things, like damn, how could i let him do that? and i know the answer is that i pride myself on being understanding, and when i put myself in his shoes, or anyone else' for that matter, i can see where they're coming from, see why they are doing those things, see how they're feeling, and i let it be okay.... but it's NOT okay. Just because you understand why someone did something doesn't make it the RIGHT thing for them to do. And this is just the exampl that comes to mind, and i shouldn't say this because i'ts going to make him look like an ass,and i've never even told this to anyone, but whatever.... When Samantha Stripmatter died, i knew he was very upset, he had never lost a friend before, and the first time i lost a friend was a different feeling than every other time, because ya know, it's the first encounter with something like that. But the same time that Sam passed away so did Johnny... now me and johnny were never good friends, most of the time i spent with him was drug related or becaus eof Jennifer and Kimberly in the earlier years... but it still hit me really hard. So, I remember the day of Johnny's funeral, there was a memorial for Sam at Clemens right afterwards. Me and Bryan went straight from Johnny's to Sam's. needless to say, i was a wreck, but i was holding it together... untl i went up to roger and he didn't even give me a hug, he just looked at me and told me he was going to sit with some of the people in his grade to be there for them.... Now at that time i was like alright that's understandable, but really when i look back at it, it wasn't. I was there for him through Sam's death, and he just put what i was feeling on the back burner... and that was really fucked up. and the more and more nice things Brandon does, the more and more it makes me think about the fucked up things like that that Roger and Ryan did, and i realize that as strong as i have always prided myself on being, that when it came down to it with the people that i loved, the people who were supposed to love me, i couldn't even stand up for myself. and it's just like disgusting to me...
I guess that is another thing i have learned from reflecting... i don' tknow. kind of went off on a tangent, but those are some of the things i have been thiking about repeatedly....
there is so much more, having to do with the molestation, the abortion, eating disorders, the depression,the deaths, the losses, the ex-boyfriends, old friends, my parents, and it's crazy because i'm starting to piece together why i was so angry and depressed when i was younger. i really feel like i could write a book or something. It's funny, i mean, over all the years, if someone asked me what i'd been through, or what i'd seen, or how i'd felt, and all the things i overcame, i would kind of just rattle off this list of horrible things, and think nothing of it. It's like, as time went by, i began thinking that what i went through wasn't that bad, and granted compared to some people it's not, but i guess it's jsut the sheer NUMBER of things that i went through, and i never really thought about how how deeply it impacted me and how much each of those things have to do with who i am today... like why specific instances explain my view points on situations.. stuff like that. I always just rattled off this list, and never really thought about it, i guess to distance myself from it, and maybe that was good for me to do that, but now i realize that i have started to face a lot of things and deal with a lot of things, and understand a lot of things, and i guess that i am growing up too. So yeah, ya know, haha, we ARE getting old i guess =)
love yous
I've been wanting to write about these many revelations, but as i've said, the internet doesn't work at my house and i am never near a computer when i'm thinking about these things, and of course, right now i should be studying so i can really delve into it too much either. But Blaine is working on getting my computer fixed, so hopefully yall will get some insight soon.
First of all, the thing that has stood out most to me as of late is the fact that everyone is really growing up, like i can actually SEE it, and I think that's amazing! People tell me that the internet is no substitute for talking on the phone or writing or seeing friends, but i don't care, i have to disagree with that. Or i guess you could look at it as these journals everyone has are similar to letters, or that our online conversations are nearly as good as phone conversations. Don't get me wrong, I love to hear the voices of my friends, you getter a better idea of how they REALLY are doing, but i think internet is vital!
Through these journal things, I get to see what Hollie and Misty are going through, since i obviously can't BE there. and no, it's not the phone, but i never delve deeply into topics on the phone anyway, so writing is fine, by me atleast. But back to what i was saying, i have seen misty and hollie grow up a lot just reading their journals. Sometimes, when i read them, as cheesey as it sounds, it almost warms my heart in a way. I guess just to see the progression, how they are tackling problems now verses how they use to. not that one way is more right than the other, i just think it is amazing to see the differences. It makes me feel this.. i don't know just this way, and I guess the only way to describe it is to say that i'm seeing them grow up into beautiful, strong, caring women, and it's just so crazy.
And like Candace, she is a year younger, so when i talk to her and read her journals and all of that, I see her going through a little bit different phase of life. Which is also amazing because that's where i was last year. And it's een crazier with her because she's at TAMUCC, and lives in the dorms, and is around all the same things that i was around. She helps me reflect a lot on what i experienced and learned last year, which is a good thing, because the more and more i reflect on everything, i don' tknow, i guess i am just realizing more about myself... i don't know, there's some quote about you don't really know yourself until you search through all the past.. no it doens't go anything like that but it's something to that extent, i'll find it later. But it's cool to see her kind of just stepping out into the world and seeing how things are different than high school, and being on her own the first time, and all the firsts, like pulling all-nighters, and finals, and walking to class in the rain =), and meeting new people, getting use to a new place. It's just cool to see someone take those steps and already knowing what they are experiencing. I guess i kind of get to be a cheerleader for her in a way, and just let her know that everythings is okay and that even the setbacks and downers (grades, boys, friends, ect) that that is all a part of it, the good and the bad, the happy and sad, the lonely and the social.
i sound so cheesey right? but there's more.
Like Megan, i rarely ever talk to that girl, but that is one person i consider very very close to me. We chat online occasionally, very randomly we'll talk briefly on the phone, but usually i just see her when i visit Corpus or when she comes into town. But i don' think our friendship suffers because of it or anything. If i need something or have a question or need an opinion, i just pick up the phone and call her, and in a way it makes me feel like i only call when i need something, but i don't feel like it's like that. does that make sense? And even in the few times i talk to her, i see her growing up, and i see her looking at things differently. She's started to care more about things besides partying, which of course she still cares about ;) haha but i guess there's more of a balance now. and hell, now she wants to get her own apartment by herself! and this is the girl who always had to be surrounded by people, who always had to be doing something. And she's really really excited about becoming a teacher, and it's cool just to hear the enthusiasm about school, especially considering last year she could have given a rat's ass.
And like Courtney... man i love that freakin girl. If there is anyone in the world besides Shannon Stroud that i ever thought was just like me, it's her. She may be a lil crazier, maybe a tad bit rougher around the edges, the only way to explain it is she is me without the experiences of stuco, class office, and the "typical" high school shit. She makes me think that even without all that crap, i would've turned out pretty much the same. It's just so funny to me that me of all people gave into the idea of being like everyone else... i mean in ways i wasn't, but i was trying so hard to impress everyone, and not so much be someone that i wasn't, bcause i loved all of that, but in some ways, it wasn't me, does that make any sense? And she has grown up so much since last year... she realizes the importance of school, and going to class, and doing the work, and having a job, and actually going to and keeping the job. She's started to see that yes friends are important, but doing it on your own is more important, and i saw her struggle with that, and overcome it... and in a lot of ways that mirrors what i've been working with. And she sees that some sacrifices have to be made, whether you want to make them or not... and just talking to her and reading what she has to say, it has helped me a lot in my own struggles...
Watching all of them has helped me in my own struggles. And ya know, somtimes i DO feel really shitty about the kind of friend i am to those who are away from me, which is virtually everyone except for Blaine, but at the same time i don' tfeel bad, i guess not bad enough to do aything about it. But in some ways i don' tthink it's bad because i love them and they all love me, and we don't have to talk often, because what we have is always there. And i do know that i should pick up the phone occasionally, to behonest with you, i think about it all the time. But i'm either too busy, or i'm doing something, or i'm about to do something, and those moments just kind of pass me by. No joke, there are times where i will think atleast once a days for a matter of weeks or months even about someon in particular, wondering how they are, where life is taking them, just how they're holding up, and just wanting to let them know that i still care, but i just don't... for one rason or another. Maybe that should be my new year's resolution or something. But i guess at the same time i feel/know that everyone is busy with their lives now, building up their lives, their social circles, amongst other things, to the points of having a real life just like in high school. i myself have had a few minor setbacks, but i even struggle to get my life order, to get my act together. So i guess a lot of the time i just have a hard time drawing that line... i don't know. But i do have deep convictions about how little i talk with the people i care about, so i think maybe i need to start trying harder.
There are a lot of other people too, but that's all i really have time for i guess. But people like Liz who's still in highschool, and my brother in junior high, and my guy friends in the military or in school... i just notice that in small ways, we all go through similar things, and we all respond differently than everyone else, and differently than ourselves in other periods of our lives. I cna't even capture all the things that i've thought about this, and i know some people think i'm crazy, but i guess observing everyone's lives and them growing up has really shed a lot of light on my own life, and that's cool ya know? I'm glad to see everyone become who they are ya know?
okay, enough of that. =) i'm sure i bored yall all to tears. but i still love you!
nothing new in my life, my apartment is a mess, but i can't clean until after finals, finals start tomorrow, so i'm kind of stressing about that. But i have been working really hard so hopefully it will pay off.
i love brandon, he is so perfect to me... it's so crazy, and i guess it's kind of strange, but i just think about how great he is, and how he almost always says the right thing, and how when i think about things he's said, or done, or thigns we've done, places we've gone, it brings this big cheesing grin to my face, haha which is kind of embarressing when people are like why are you smiling? haha. How great he is makes me think about roger... how unhappy i was, how mean he was sometimes, all the times he should've been there and wasn't, all the just fucked up things that happened... and i had never thought about it before.... he was the one who treated me the best out of everyone... and he treated me shitty! and i guess brandon just enables me to see that. i realize what it is SUPPOSED to be like ya know?
I think about him a lot, roger, but in a negative way i guess. I know that he is a good person ya know? but when i think about things, like damn, how could i let him do that? and i know the answer is that i pride myself on being understanding, and when i put myself in his shoes, or anyone else' for that matter, i can see where they're coming from, see why they are doing those things, see how they're feeling, and i let it be okay.... but it's NOT okay. Just because you understand why someone did something doesn't make it the RIGHT thing for them to do. And this is just the exampl that comes to mind, and i shouldn't say this because i'ts going to make him look like an ass,and i've never even told this to anyone, but whatever.... When Samantha Stripmatter died, i knew he was very upset, he had never lost a friend before, and the first time i lost a friend was a different feeling than every other time, because ya know, it's the first encounter with something like that. But the same time that Sam passed away so did Johnny... now me and johnny were never good friends, most of the time i spent with him was drug related or becaus eof Jennifer and Kimberly in the earlier years... but it still hit me really hard. So, I remember the day of Johnny's funeral, there was a memorial for Sam at Clemens right afterwards. Me and Bryan went straight from Johnny's to Sam's. needless to say, i was a wreck, but i was holding it together... untl i went up to roger and he didn't even give me a hug, he just looked at me and told me he was going to sit with some of the people in his grade to be there for them.... Now at that time i was like alright that's understandable, but really when i look back at it, it wasn't. I was there for him through Sam's death, and he just put what i was feeling on the back burner... and that was really fucked up. and the more and more nice things Brandon does, the more and more it makes me think about the fucked up things like that that Roger and Ryan did, and i realize that as strong as i have always prided myself on being, that when it came down to it with the people that i loved, the people who were supposed to love me, i couldn't even stand up for myself. and it's just like disgusting to me...
I guess that is another thing i have learned from reflecting... i don' tknow. kind of went off on a tangent, but those are some of the things i have been thiking about repeatedly....
there is so much more, having to do with the molestation, the abortion, eating disorders, the depression,the deaths, the losses, the ex-boyfriends, old friends, my parents, and it's crazy because i'm starting to piece together why i was so angry and depressed when i was younger. i really feel like i could write a book or something. It's funny, i mean, over all the years, if someone asked me what i'd been through, or what i'd seen, or how i'd felt, and all the things i overcame, i would kind of just rattle off this list of horrible things, and think nothing of it. It's like, as time went by, i began thinking that what i went through wasn't that bad, and granted compared to some people it's not, but i guess it's jsut the sheer NUMBER of things that i went through, and i never really thought about how how deeply it impacted me and how much each of those things have to do with who i am today... like why specific instances explain my view points on situations.. stuff like that. I always just rattled off this list, and never really thought about it, i guess to distance myself from it, and maybe that was good for me to do that, but now i realize that i have started to face a lot of things and deal with a lot of things, and understand a lot of things, and i guess that i am growing up too. So yeah, ya know, haha, we ARE getting old i guess =)
love yous