corpus, ro, procedure
To begin with, today sucked. I took my history test at 8:00 and i did farily well, i'm pretty sure i got a B, but i really would have liked to get an A. but whatever. So me, meg, and court went to the beach and i got horribly burned. some random guy took a pciture of us and we met this swimmer who asked us to watch his jeep while he SWAM FOR MILES IN THE OCEAN! he was gone forever, and we finally left.
i went to work and that is probably the best thing for me one bad days. although some of the kids drive me nuts, i really do care about them and they make me smile. AWWW ! Elias got a splinter in his hand and i had to get it out from him, and the only tweezers they had were GIGANTIC so i had to use a push pin and my nails to get it out! poor kid! but he was a trooper. Him and his sister, Zarrah, are the best kids and they seem to have it together, even though they are so young. YOu kow how you can just look at kidss and see if they will turn into good people. Alyssa was freaking out hysterically today, it took forever to calm her down. drama queen, but she still is kinda sweet, when she's not freaking out.
talked to roger tonight, he called to say that he was filling out a scholarship due tomorrow and he would call me later. at 11:20 i called him, not wanting to wait up for no reason again, and he was talking and laughing like it was no big deal, and then i asked him if we were gonna wait untill it was over to talk about it, and he said yes, and i just todl him "that is really dick roger, bye." and i just hung up, and he never called back. and i know in my heart i do't want to be with someone who'se not going to call back at a time like this. i know that deep down i am really hurt, but right now i am so angry. how could he do this? after everything that i have prioritized and done for him... he can't do one thing in return.
was he never planning on telling me and cnadace just ruined that and that's why he's so mad at her? he just wasn't ever going to tell me? all i even wanted was for him to talk to me.... but he coudn't do that for some reason and i guess that that means that it is over. and then i think to myself, well maybe later on in lfe, but no. we're not even going to be able to be friends. cu zi know that i will only torture myself and we will end up messing around or soemthing.
i just need to accept that it is over and that i need to leave the past in the past. i really thought that he would make an effort.... but i was proved wrong. and i don't think i can forgive him for that, as much as my heart is willing to, i shouldn't ever forgive him for taht. there are so many things that hurt.... so many things that will never happen now, so many things are going to change now. i don't even know what to expect. i don' teven know what to think. i hope he has a good fuckin time, because he is going to look back and regret that this happened this way. because a year from now he is going to realize how much prom doesn't matter and how much relationships do, but sometimes you have to elarn the hard way i guess, and since there is nothing else left that i can do, iguess it's time for me to leave, becaue he doesn't seem to want me to stay too badly. it hurts to end it like this, but there is no other way.... he should make an effort.
i made the effort to FORGIVE him for everything, he should make an effort to make me feel comfortable with that decision. but hell ,maybe he's doing what i did last year and he is trying tog et me to break up with him, and if that's the case, well the wish is granted. i am hurt very deeply, and there aren't really the right words to express it in anyway. i feel like heart ache is bleeding inside me.... i don't want a guy to make me feel like this... so i can't.
on another, even more heartwrenching note, is that today i realized a dilemma that i'm sure is going to plague me the rest of my life. Today it came to my attention that Sunday would have been my first mother's day. it makes me sad to the core, but in a different sad. trying ot put this into words is also difficult. it was just like someone threw cold water on me. i hadn't even thought about it, and i was picking out a card for my mom, and i saw a mother to be card, andi thought, i would be getting a mtoher's day card... not a mother to be.. =( heartbreaking. people ask me all the time if i regret it, and at this point in my life it is too early for me to say something like that. i do know that i think about it everyday, and every time i look at anyone under 5 i think about it. it doesn't always make me sad, but i still think about it and wonder what he would look like. i think that that is the hardest thing about the situation. and knowing that i will never have the oppotunity to see what a kid between me and Roger would look for because it's been so long and it could never work again. i need to move on with my life, but i still think that i will think about a child everyday of my life untill i am finally able to hae my own. but like i said, it is still to soon to say whether or not i regret my decision.
on another bitter note, this summer is going to suck because everyone is leaving.
you know what, i don't even feel like writing anymore because i am so exasperated and angry.
i went to work and that is probably the best thing for me one bad days. although some of the kids drive me nuts, i really do care about them and they make me smile. AWWW ! Elias got a splinter in his hand and i had to get it out from him, and the only tweezers they had were GIGANTIC so i had to use a push pin and my nails to get it out! poor kid! but he was a trooper. Him and his sister, Zarrah, are the best kids and they seem to have it together, even though they are so young. YOu kow how you can just look at kidss and see if they will turn into good people. Alyssa was freaking out hysterically today, it took forever to calm her down. drama queen, but she still is kinda sweet, when she's not freaking out.
talked to roger tonight, he called to say that he was filling out a scholarship due tomorrow and he would call me later. at 11:20 i called him, not wanting to wait up for no reason again, and he was talking and laughing like it was no big deal, and then i asked him if we were gonna wait untill it was over to talk about it, and he said yes, and i just todl him "that is really dick roger, bye." and i just hung up, and he never called back. and i know in my heart i do't want to be with someone who'se not going to call back at a time like this. i know that deep down i am really hurt, but right now i am so angry. how could he do this? after everything that i have prioritized and done for him... he can't do one thing in return.
was he never planning on telling me and cnadace just ruined that and that's why he's so mad at her? he just wasn't ever going to tell me? all i even wanted was for him to talk to me.... but he coudn't do that for some reason and i guess that that means that it is over. and then i think to myself, well maybe later on in lfe, but no. we're not even going to be able to be friends. cu zi know that i will only torture myself and we will end up messing around or soemthing.
i just need to accept that it is over and that i need to leave the past in the past. i really thought that he would make an effort.... but i was proved wrong. and i don't think i can forgive him for that, as much as my heart is willing to, i shouldn't ever forgive him for taht. there are so many things that hurt.... so many things that will never happen now, so many things are going to change now. i don't even know what to expect. i don' teven know what to think. i hope he has a good fuckin time, because he is going to look back and regret that this happened this way. because a year from now he is going to realize how much prom doesn't matter and how much relationships do, but sometimes you have to elarn the hard way i guess, and since there is nothing else left that i can do, iguess it's time for me to leave, becaue he doesn't seem to want me to stay too badly. it hurts to end it like this, but there is no other way.... he should make an effort.
i made the effort to FORGIVE him for everything, he should make an effort to make me feel comfortable with that decision. but hell ,maybe he's doing what i did last year and he is trying tog et me to break up with him, and if that's the case, well the wish is granted. i am hurt very deeply, and there aren't really the right words to express it in anyway. i feel like heart ache is bleeding inside me.... i don't want a guy to make me feel like this... so i can't.
on another, even more heartwrenching note, is that today i realized a dilemma that i'm sure is going to plague me the rest of my life. Today it came to my attention that Sunday would have been my first mother's day. it makes me sad to the core, but in a different sad. trying ot put this into words is also difficult. it was just like someone threw cold water on me. i hadn't even thought about it, and i was picking out a card for my mom, and i saw a mother to be card, andi thought, i would be getting a mtoher's day card... not a mother to be.. =( heartbreaking. people ask me all the time if i regret it, and at this point in my life it is too early for me to say something like that. i do know that i think about it everyday, and every time i look at anyone under 5 i think about it. it doesn't always make me sad, but i still think about it and wonder what he would look like. i think that that is the hardest thing about the situation. and knowing that i will never have the oppotunity to see what a kid between me and Roger would look for because it's been so long and it could never work again. i need to move on with my life, but i still think that i will think about a child everyday of my life untill i am finally able to hae my own. but like i said, it is still to soon to say whether or not i regret my decision.
on another bitter note, this summer is going to suck because everyone is leaving.
you know what, i don't even feel like writing anymore because i am so exasperated and angry.