why do i do this to myself?
so i am in such a twisted turmoil of emotions... i don't even know where to begin... just got back from eating dinner with rog.. god i loe that boy. and i know, everyone always talks shit and no one thinks that i should be friends with him... but man fuck that. since brandon left i have been sittin at home not every night, but nearly, and roger is really one of the only people who calls on a consistant basis, calls when he says he will, and wants to hang out with me. like tonight he caled me when he got off work and was like what you're at home? come eat with me then... and he is the only person besides brandon who called me all day.... and he really tries to make me smile, he really does try to cheer me up.. and he knew right off the bat that something was wrong.. i love roger, i'm so glad that we are still friends....
so maybe i feel this way because this is the first FULL day i have gone without smoking pot in forever.. i can't even remember the last time.. well the last time was when i quit for two weeks just to see if i could, but that was awhile ago.... and i DO think that it has something to do with it.. becaue i feel so stressed.. i feel like my head is racing a mile a minute.. and i know that it is just wthdrawls.. and i didn't realize until tonight how badly i have become addicted to pot.. i mean one day and my whole body feels out of whack... i mean no not likei'm shaking.. it's not like that! haha... but i just feel strung out or something.. not as calm and relaxed as normal.. and with the way things have turned tonight.. i need to relax...
i miss brandon more than words can describe... and i've never missed anyone in my entire life except for roger when i was away at school... and i didn't think i would ever miss someone that way, especially not so soon... and i keep telling myself that i always find someone else to take my mind off the last one.. but i really feel like this is not like that.. and every time that me and brandon talk, he is like the perfect person for me, we are perfect for eachother.. we always talk about what we want out of another person.. and he is what i describe.. and i am pretty much what he describes, i'm EXACTLY what he describes.. but i'm "just sam".. and NO, he didn't say that.. but tha's all i can be from 22 hours away... i would do this to myself... ugh. i have never been the one that liked someone i knowingly could not have.... i've never been the hopeless romantic type (no offense to any of yall that are, i just never have been)but i really love talking to him... i talked to him for like an hour and a half today.... i would relay the conversation, but i'll save it for when i'm at work tomorrow... but god.. why do i make shit so complicated...
P>so i went out with roger, and usually i'm a lot more enthusiastic.. and i don't know if it's just cuz i didn't smoke or what.. but i wasn't really down to deal with his smart ass comments.. and he realized that and stopped, ad him being cute usually makes me laugh, but today i didn't even feel like it.. and my mind kept wondering off to brandon and that i need to stop feeling like this.... and roger is so great.. i don't know what i would be doing right now without him... he really stepped it up and he really proved me wrong... and he could tell that something was wrong, and i told him it was because i hadn't smoked, and he gave me a hard time about it a little, but then he just changed the subject, and he kept talking and talking, and it helped me snap out of my sober trance for awhile... i love him so much....and it's weird because i DO feel like my feelings for him are changing... i mean i still love him, and i still hate what i hate about him, but i guess i am just not IN love with him anymore, and it's such a drastic change.. but at the same time not reall, because i can still talk to him the same.. we just don't show affection... and though it IS hard at times, that is definitely what i need right now.... i feel like maybei am jsut afraid to be on my own.. i feel like maybe i am jsut so use to being in a serous relationship that my first reaction naturally is to latch on to someone else that i am comfortbale with.. but then that doesn't even FOLLOW my pattern....not that my heart is subject to stickin to a pattern.. but.. i dont' even know what i'm talking about, i'm not even making sense to myself.... i got a letter today from bryan, and i miss him... and none of them know.. not him, brandon, or blaine.. none of them know how i feel, none of them knwo te situation with roger.. and they are still all thinkin that roger is bad for me.. when right now he is like the only thing holding me together... but in a friends way.. which is a diffferent feeling.... ya know in jr high when you like all these different people at the same time SO much, and you don't even know where to beign... so you list them.. haha, well thas' what me and jeremy paden use to do... but like right now.. i have REALLY strong feelings for both roger and brandon.. and i never thought that i would feel like this again, much less at the same time, for two of the most important people in my life.... i just need to keep it to myself and i shouldn't make this thing for brandon known......but i feel like i would feel so much better if i could just get it off my chest.. an di know that hol knows.. which means the world to me, because without that i would be losing my mind... but these are the guys i tell everything too... and i just always rely on their advice i guess.. and since they knwo brandon.. ugh...
i know in my heart i can't tell him because it would never work.. he is in the army.. and though i'm in school right now, eventually i'm going to be in the air force.. and that will never work.. and i guess i just need to keep reminding myself of that.... but when i talk to him.. you just odn' tknow.. and i swear that anyone who has seen me when i talk to him.. they know... just by the sound of my voice, the smile on my face... he told me he was going to take a lil teddy bear on his next jump with him and put lil wings on it and send it to me.. c'mon ladies... i know your hearts would melt too... and if i felt like going into detail about our conversation right now.. your hearts would melt even more.. and anyone who knows me would realize that brandon is the kind of person i need to be with... atleast someone LIKE him... well him mixed with roger =) i don' tknow.. i feel like i am going crazy thinking about brandon so much.. an di cna't stop..
and to anyone who ever wants to know why i smoke so much fuckin weed.. well here you have it.. i am a fuckin nut case when i'm sober.. which i'm sure means i need to be put on meds like anxiety medicine or soemthing, anti depressants or soemthing.... but you know me... and i guessi would rather smoke pot... but after today.. i realize that if i am high strung all the time, tha's just how it's going to have to be.. that's how i survived high school was sober.. and even though i ran myself ragged.. ugh.. i always do this.. who am i explaining to when i can't even get a straight thought on my own... i love roger i am crazy about brandon i miss bryan what the hell is wrong with me.... everything should be fine.. two days have passed uneventful.. no problems.. and now i am just filling my head.. and going through withdraws.. ugh.... goodnight
"it shouldn't hurt me to be free, it's really what i need to pull myself together,... but if it's so good being free, would you mind telling me why i don't know what to do with myself?"