Sunday / Monday Putterings
Topics contained herein:
A bit about a boy near-grown, all tangled up in thoughts about the enneagram. Oh. And the weather.
Weather / Phenology:
From weather.com:
Today: Showers this morning then thundershowers developing during the afternoon hours. High near 65F. Winds S at 10 to 15 mph. Chance of rain 40%.
Tonight: Scattered showers and thunderstorms. A few storms may be severe. Low 58F. Winds S at 5 to 10 mph. Chance of rain 40%.
The day is dark and getting darker. R-called me about 45 minutes ago to say that he was hearing big boomers from his desk. Right here, right now, it is just still and gray. I should go out and get the animal chores done before the rains come.
Yesterday I spent most of the day outdoors enjoying the stunningly beautiful weather. I cleaned two of the garden beds and planted about half the tomatoes and a half-bed of herbs. Cousin N- helped us move the chicken tractor back to re-do a spot I failed to mulch last fall. The growth that came in (grass) is gorgeously lush which indicates how much the tractor is improving the sandy soil.
Mood Summary:
Yesterday was mostly good … all good in fact, except for some stuff going on in my head.
I’ve been reading the sections of my enneagram books that I skipped over on earlier readings. Recently I’ve become intrigued by the fact that I seem to be naturally bleeding into some behaviors more typical of the “other” types. When I went looking to understand that better, I had to delve into some of the stuff I’ve been avoiding. (I’ve been reluctant to tackle the idea of “integrating” because I thought it was going to be about me “over-coming” my self-identification as a type four.) I was relieved to find the concept of integration does explain some of my newer behaviors but isn’t really about becoming less a four.
Here are some key points, randomly noted:
-A type is simply a way of describing personality.
-The idea is that we are born complete; capable of feeling and expressing the entire range of human possibility but that the formation of our personality limits the ways in which we will interact with life.
-When that new-born complete being senses a difference between the way he/she experiences the world (or significant events within the world) and the way in which his/her care-takers experience the world, a threat arises.
-All of the types, then, exist within any given individual. One type becomes dominant in response to a particular set of stimulus. Personality is sort of like scar tissue in that way. The development of a dominant type is a mechanism to protect the self from an environmental threat.
-The environmental threat that leads to a particular personality happens very early in life. After that, the personality type feeds itself by finding a thousand different ways to address that perceived threat…it’s as if we put on a pair of threat-colored glasses that allows us to interpret any event through that filter.
Each enneagram type develops from a specific kind of basic threat:
1) It’s not okay to make mistakes.
2) It’s not okay to have your own needs.
3) It’s not okay to have your own feelings and identity.
4) It’s not okay to be too functional or too happy.
5) It’s not okay to be comfortable in the world.
6) It’s not okay to trust yourself.
7) It’s not okay to depend on anyone for anything.
8) It’s not okay to be vulnerable or to trust anyone.
9) It’s not okay to assert yourself.
Wisdom of the Ennagram, Riso/Hudson, pg. 31
Being threatened in one of these ways is not necessarily about abuse or neglect. Rather, it is about the care-giver failing to mirror a reaction that the child experiences. In my case, I have to wonder if there is a connection between some of the recent revelations about my father and the development of my personality.
It is becoming horribly apparent that my father (who lived with me until I was past the age of two and maintained his visitation schedule until he died when I was nine) doted on me. I was his only child and I was born late in his dysfunctional life. He indulged me, talked to me and educated me. He did not threaten me in any deliberate way. I imagine that I was thrilled every time I heard the man’s voice or saw his shadow cross the wall.
During this time, he was also actively and frequently beating my mother. My mother must have been living in fear for herself … and for me. How could she not assume that he would eventually lash out at me … or at the very least leave me in a bar after getting liquored up with his friends?
So, to follow the logic of the enneagram, my mother could not mirror my feelings. Her behaviors flew in the face of what I experienced as true. Had she not interfered, it’s very likely that I would have learned first hand that he was not just a source of unending fun. (Would that, then, have led me down the eight path?)
When I have complained about my childhood, I usually mentioned the fact that I didn’t feel like my mother paid any attention to what I actually liked or who I actually was. I often felt like she was working very hard to create a childhood for me that had nothing to do with me. I have often assumed that other people’s difficult parent/child relationships are based in the same problem. I’m now wondering just how much my specific personality has colored my judgment.
In any case, I also spent some time reading about this integration thing. Thank God it’s not supposed to be something that I actively try to change. Instead, integration supposedly happens -- in a gradual one step forward two steps back way -- each time I notice that I am acting out in a particularly four-type manner. For me, healthy behaviors include:
-Appreciating the here and now rather than re-coloring the past or setting the scene for the mythical future.
-Understanding that my emotions are not the essential me. The best argument for this is that they change so often. I am emotional, yes but the sensation of any given emotion (mood) is not the sum of what I am. (This too shall pass. And that’s okay.) Someone or something is experiencing each of my moods. Idle speculation about the nature of the watching self is healthy.
-I have to be careful to avoid comparing myself and my life to that of others. In my case, I think that means that I was being very fourish yesterday.
Though I enjoyed the company of my nephew (15) I was hyper-conscious of how his experience might be different than what he is used to in his own environment. I was fighting against thinking one way of being is better than another. Don’t assume that I was constantly thinking MY way is better … it was about an even split. Half the time I felt reassured that I am good and valuable compared to The Godfather and the other half the time I was feeling like a useless, lazy slug compared to The Godfather. Note all the COMPARING going on. I genuinely think that we both represent/channel/exhibit both good and bad. So why then do I have to vacillate between feeling one way or the other? I wonder what it would be like to just be.
Enough of this. Got stuff to do.
Accomplishments:
I fetched Gmom and two of the cousins from town. We spent the day visiting while R-and I puttered around doing some improvement-style tasks. Some of the garden is planted. The chicken tractor can be set up now that it’s in the proper place.
Five Gratitudes:
1) Getting to spend some time with a boy that managed to do a lot of growing up while I wasn’t paying much attention. I think he enjoyed his time here and I think he genuinely would like to come back out for a longer stay.
2) R-fixing up the windows and door of the main coop.
3) KFC’s new deal with giving us a reasonable amount of potatoes … and for providing a way to get what can pass for a real meal into the bellies of a lot of people without cooking.
4) The Godfather for fixing the brakes on both cars in just about as many weeks.
5) The weather.
Exercise / Step Count:
Minor yard work.
Next Tasks
(tasks = 4 per day / focuses = 4 per week / W = writing goals / Z = this week’s zone)
*Use timer to control current obsession:
1) home blessing - general cleaning for next couple of weeks
2) white laundry back-log
3) extra animal care (cat pan, rogue chickens, rabbit)
4) bills & financial reckoning
5) Writing: TAI notes and column guidlines
6) Zone: kitchen - just finish putting it back to rights
F: Animals / Outdoors: gardens & chickens
F: Financial & Legal Issues: budget & bills
F: HOME CARE: main bath plus general housekeeping & environment
F: Sex: sex & romance
W: TAI / remaining KS (text in particular) / fiction / womanly_arts
Zone #2 -- "Kitchen"
Kitchen
Dining Room
Recycling / Broom Closet
Goal Level Behaviors
2006 Next Little Bit List
Routines
Cleaning: zones & weekly schedule
A bit about a boy near-grown, all tangled up in thoughts about the enneagram. Oh. And the weather.
Weather / Phenology:
From weather.com:
Today: Showers this morning then thundershowers developing during the afternoon hours. High near 65F. Winds S at 10 to 15 mph. Chance of rain 40%.
Tonight: Scattered showers and thunderstorms. A few storms may be severe. Low 58F. Winds S at 5 to 10 mph. Chance of rain 40%.
The day is dark and getting darker. R-called me about 45 minutes ago to say that he was hearing big boomers from his desk. Right here, right now, it is just still and gray. I should go out and get the animal chores done before the rains come.
Yesterday I spent most of the day outdoors enjoying the stunningly beautiful weather. I cleaned two of the garden beds and planted about half the tomatoes and a half-bed of herbs. Cousin N- helped us move the chicken tractor back to re-do a spot I failed to mulch last fall. The growth that came in (grass) is gorgeously lush which indicates how much the tractor is improving the sandy soil.
Mood Summary:
Yesterday was mostly good … all good in fact, except for some stuff going on in my head.
I’ve been reading the sections of my enneagram books that I skipped over on earlier readings. Recently I’ve become intrigued by the fact that I seem to be naturally bleeding into some behaviors more typical of the “other” types. When I went looking to understand that better, I had to delve into some of the stuff I’ve been avoiding. (I’ve been reluctant to tackle the idea of “integrating” because I thought it was going to be about me “over-coming” my self-identification as a type four.) I was relieved to find the concept of integration does explain some of my newer behaviors but isn’t really about becoming less a four.
Here are some key points, randomly noted:
-A type is simply a way of describing personality.
-The idea is that we are born complete; capable of feeling and expressing the entire range of human possibility but that the formation of our personality limits the ways in which we will interact with life.
-When that new-born complete being senses a difference between the way he/she experiences the world (or significant events within the world) and the way in which his/her care-takers experience the world, a threat arises.
-All of the types, then, exist within any given individual. One type becomes dominant in response to a particular set of stimulus. Personality is sort of like scar tissue in that way. The development of a dominant type is a mechanism to protect the self from an environmental threat.
-The environmental threat that leads to a particular personality happens very early in life. After that, the personality type feeds itself by finding a thousand different ways to address that perceived threat…it’s as if we put on a pair of threat-colored glasses that allows us to interpret any event through that filter.
Each enneagram type develops from a specific kind of basic threat:
1) It’s not okay to make mistakes.
2) It’s not okay to have your own needs.
3) It’s not okay to have your own feelings and identity.
4) It’s not okay to be too functional or too happy.
5) It’s not okay to be comfortable in the world.
6) It’s not okay to trust yourself.
7) It’s not okay to depend on anyone for anything.
8) It’s not okay to be vulnerable or to trust anyone.
9) It’s not okay to assert yourself.
Wisdom of the Ennagram, Riso/Hudson, pg. 31
Being threatened in one of these ways is not necessarily about abuse or neglect. Rather, it is about the care-giver failing to mirror a reaction that the child experiences. In my case, I have to wonder if there is a connection between some of the recent revelations about my father and the development of my personality.
It is becoming horribly apparent that my father (who lived with me until I was past the age of two and maintained his visitation schedule until he died when I was nine) doted on me. I was his only child and I was born late in his dysfunctional life. He indulged me, talked to me and educated me. He did not threaten me in any deliberate way. I imagine that I was thrilled every time I heard the man’s voice or saw his shadow cross the wall.
During this time, he was also actively and frequently beating my mother. My mother must have been living in fear for herself … and for me. How could she not assume that he would eventually lash out at me … or at the very least leave me in a bar after getting liquored up with his friends?
So, to follow the logic of the enneagram, my mother could not mirror my feelings. Her behaviors flew in the face of what I experienced as true. Had she not interfered, it’s very likely that I would have learned first hand that he was not just a source of unending fun. (Would that, then, have led me down the eight path?)
When I have complained about my childhood, I usually mentioned the fact that I didn’t feel like my mother paid any attention to what I actually liked or who I actually was. I often felt like she was working very hard to create a childhood for me that had nothing to do with me. I have often assumed that other people’s difficult parent/child relationships are based in the same problem. I’m now wondering just how much my specific personality has colored my judgment.
In any case, I also spent some time reading about this integration thing. Thank God it’s not supposed to be something that I actively try to change. Instead, integration supposedly happens -- in a gradual one step forward two steps back way -- each time I notice that I am acting out in a particularly four-type manner. For me, healthy behaviors include:
-Appreciating the here and now rather than re-coloring the past or setting the scene for the mythical future.
-Understanding that my emotions are not the essential me. The best argument for this is that they change so often. I am emotional, yes but the sensation of any given emotion (mood) is not the sum of what I am. (This too shall pass. And that’s okay.) Someone or something is experiencing each of my moods. Idle speculation about the nature of the watching self is healthy.
-I have to be careful to avoid comparing myself and my life to that of others. In my case, I think that means that I was being very fourish yesterday.
Though I enjoyed the company of my nephew (15) I was hyper-conscious of how his experience might be different than what he is used to in his own environment. I was fighting against thinking one way of being is better than another. Don’t assume that I was constantly thinking MY way is better … it was about an even split. Half the time I felt reassured that I am good and valuable compared to The Godfather and the other half the time I was feeling like a useless, lazy slug compared to The Godfather. Note all the COMPARING going on. I genuinely think that we both represent/channel/exhibit both good and bad. So why then do I have to vacillate between feeling one way or the other? I wonder what it would be like to just be.
Enough of this. Got stuff to do.
Accomplishments:
I fetched Gmom and two of the cousins from town. We spent the day visiting while R-and I puttered around doing some improvement-style tasks. Some of the garden is planted. The chicken tractor can be set up now that it’s in the proper place.
Five Gratitudes:
1) Getting to spend some time with a boy that managed to do a lot of growing up while I wasn’t paying much attention. I think he enjoyed his time here and I think he genuinely would like to come back out for a longer stay.
2) R-fixing up the windows and door of the main coop.
3) KFC’s new deal with giving us a reasonable amount of potatoes … and for providing a way to get what can pass for a real meal into the bellies of a lot of people without cooking.
4) The Godfather for fixing the brakes on both cars in just about as many weeks.
5) The weather.
Exercise / Step Count:
Minor yard work.
Next Tasks
(tasks = 4 per day / focuses = 4 per week / W = writing goals / Z = this week’s zone)
*Use timer to control current obsession:
1) home blessing - general cleaning for next couple of weeks
2) white laundry back-log
3) extra animal care (cat pan, rogue chickens, rabbit)
4) bills & financial reckoning
5) Writing: TAI notes and column guidlines
6) Zone: kitchen - just finish putting it back to rights
F: Animals / Outdoors: gardens & chickens
F: Financial & Legal Issues: budget & bills
F: HOME CARE: main bath plus general housekeeping & environment
F: Sex: sex & romance
W: TAI / remaining KS (text in particular) / fiction / womanly_arts
Zone #2 -- "Kitchen"
Kitchen
Dining Room
Recycling / Broom Closet
Goal Level Behaviors
2006 Next Little Bit List
Routines
Cleaning: zones & weekly schedule