(no subject)
I haven't posted here in a long while... I'm not even sure where to begin. I re-read my last entry. It was so positive and hopeful. Totally upbeat, which is a complete contrast to how I feel about things now. How the last two years of my life have changed me. So much has happened, so many things changed. I often wish I could go back and alter my course in life. I feel a lot of frustration right now, not only with myself but my friends, my family, and my now soon-to-be ex-husband.
I was asked the other day what my biggest regret has been. In anger, I responded with giving my ex several chances and sticking by him so many times when it wasn't deserved. It is still a regret of mine, but not the biggest one. I would have to say now, that it's myself. For not believing in me, for trusting when i shouldn't, for allowing people to bring negativity and drama into my life when I know better. Though my ex is still a source of major frustration for me, despite this I still know I love him regardless of what he does or says to me. I appreciate everything that he's done for me, to me, and will continue to do me because I know it will make me a stronger person.
Because of him, I have met both some very wonderful people and some not so wonderful people. I have made a lot of friends here in the two years I've been in VA. Many have shown me why I shouldn't trust people. But there are a few who have been there to support and can be counted on as true friends when I least expected it from them. It amazes me what comes out of the woodwork at the most dire times of need. Yet, at the same time, if it weren't for him, I wouldn't have had those dire moments of mental and emotional crises.
It's strange to me that I could let someone effect me like this so completely. I realize that the point of love. Maybe I'm just bitter and jaded now. I'm not sure. But this seems like an alien concept to me, since I was never that type to begin with. I'm so cautious with my heart and my emotions now. I've started cutting people out of my life.
It makes me laugh to hear my long time friends and close confidantes worry about me talking to people I met on line. Where's the danger in that? They don't know me personally. They don't have any way to take what I've told them and turn it against me. I don't give out personal information (like my address) to where they can find me. Most of the time, they are a better confidante than people in real life. It's easier to confide in someone you've never met than talk face to face with someone you know about your feelings. There's less risk of judgment. It's almost like it's anonymous. Granted, if you continue to talk to them, you may eventually meet. Sometimes, its just nice to have that sounding board with an outside view.
I have several friends like this. And while they tend to be mainly guys (less drama!), they still have valid points of view and generally have good advice. I do say friends, because they are friends in the truest sense of the word. They listen, they respond, they have full complete conversations with me, they genuinely care and show concern for my well being. What part about that does not say friend? Perhaps, these friends can help me regain my ability to trust those around me completely.
For now, I think I'm ok as I am. I may be jaded, heavily sarcastic, and wounded, but I'm alright with my own personal brand of sunshine. Things will get better, and eventually, I'll be able to polish away the rough edges on my heart. For now, I think I'll stick to being jaded, cautious, sarcastic, and wounded. It's working.
I was asked the other day what my biggest regret has been. In anger, I responded with giving my ex several chances and sticking by him so many times when it wasn't deserved. It is still a regret of mine, but not the biggest one. I would have to say now, that it's myself. For not believing in me, for trusting when i shouldn't, for allowing people to bring negativity and drama into my life when I know better. Though my ex is still a source of major frustration for me, despite this I still know I love him regardless of what he does or says to me. I appreciate everything that he's done for me, to me, and will continue to do me because I know it will make me a stronger person.
Because of him, I have met both some very wonderful people and some not so wonderful people. I have made a lot of friends here in the two years I've been in VA. Many have shown me why I shouldn't trust people. But there are a few who have been there to support and can be counted on as true friends when I least expected it from them. It amazes me what comes out of the woodwork at the most dire times of need. Yet, at the same time, if it weren't for him, I wouldn't have had those dire moments of mental and emotional crises.
It's strange to me that I could let someone effect me like this so completely. I realize that the point of love. Maybe I'm just bitter and jaded now. I'm not sure. But this seems like an alien concept to me, since I was never that type to begin with. I'm so cautious with my heart and my emotions now. I've started cutting people out of my life.
It makes me laugh to hear my long time friends and close confidantes worry about me talking to people I met on line. Where's the danger in that? They don't know me personally. They don't have any way to take what I've told them and turn it against me. I don't give out personal information (like my address) to where they can find me. Most of the time, they are a better confidante than people in real life. It's easier to confide in someone you've never met than talk face to face with someone you know about your feelings. There's less risk of judgment. It's almost like it's anonymous. Granted, if you continue to talk to them, you may eventually meet. Sometimes, its just nice to have that sounding board with an outside view.
I have several friends like this. And while they tend to be mainly guys (less drama!), they still have valid points of view and generally have good advice. I do say friends, because they are friends in the truest sense of the word. They listen, they respond, they have full complete conversations with me, they genuinely care and show concern for my well being. What part about that does not say friend? Perhaps, these friends can help me regain my ability to trust those around me completely.
For now, I think I'm ok as I am. I may be jaded, heavily sarcastic, and wounded, but I'm alright with my own personal brand of sunshine. Things will get better, and eventually, I'll be able to polish away the rough edges on my heart. For now, I think I'll stick to being jaded, cautious, sarcastic, and wounded. It's working.