Dreams
Things have been going a little better lately. V-day was ok. Mom & Steve gave me a pity invite to have dinner with them plus they took me to the Pistons game on Wednesday night. I got to see Gina & her boy plus Dray and her new boy. We had a good time. It's been forever since I had seen them. Basically I think since the wedding. It was good to catch, though Gina & I had already caught up mostly over the phone. Her boy Keith seems very nice ( I only met him for 20 minutes). They are talking about getting married. She seems very happy and content around him. I'm so happy for her. She deserves someone who treats her like the queen she is. :)
I've been having weird dreams lately. Some recurring ones. The recurring ones usually involve Nicole. Like she'll spend the night even though we don't talk at all. Then in the morning we get up, go to our respective wings of the house (apparently my house is really big in my dream) and Dave tries to drive his truck through my windows. He says he is trying to make sure we are up and talking. Then we both yell at him and he guns his truck and leaves. And that it. But I've had that dream like 4 times now.
Last night dream had my Dad, Steve, Ty, and Nicole in it. A liar, an abandoner, a betrayer, and a back stabber. In my dream, Ty & I were going to see my dad, so he could meet him. Matt came too. When we got my dads house (which took surprisingly little time considering we were driving out to BC from Jackson), Nicole was there having dinner with them. She was telling them all about Ty & I's problems we've been having recently. Dad and Steve both ushered her out of sight belatedly as I had already seen her. Then I turned to Matt but he was gone. Ty had gotten out and then seemed to almost melt away. Dad and Steve talked to me for a minute and then walked away in the house. i tried to follow but they were gone. I felt a tap on my shoulder and turned to find Nicole standing there. She looked at me and walked away too, fading in the distance. I walked out of the house and turned back to find it in the state it is today. Boarded up, abandoned and overgrown. I sat on the sidewalk in front and I died. I felt myself float above and watched my body fade away too. Then I woke up.
I think my lack of sleep lately is messing with my dreams. They've been weird like the one above. Hopefully they will go away soon. If not, I'll probably have them for the next eleven weeks or until I see Ty. I'm not sure. I know it's making me lose weight. I'm down 17lbs since Ty left. I guess it's good but it's not how I wanted to lose weight. I haven't had much of an appetite since he left nor I have I slept well.
This weekend was about the least busy I've been in a while. But not for lack of people offering me distractions. This last week was the first week since Ty left that I haven't had dinner with his parents. I get a phone call almost every night from someone, whether its, his parents, my parents, my friends, my aunts, Chris (Ty's boss), or Crystal. Every other weekend I have Isaac. The weekend I don't, I have people trying to make plans to keep me busy. It's like everyone thinks that if I don't have anything to do, I'll do something crazy or whatever. Why is it not ok to show we are sad anymore? What is wrong with being sad? Or hurt? At the same time, Bob and Shelly try to get me to go out with them for dinner a lot or come out to their house to hang out. I always feel like they are watching me for some sign, some crack or fissure. It's like they are expecting me to burst out crying any second now. I feel like everyone around me is treating me with kid gloves, like I'm extra fragile right now. I don't want the pity or the condescending feelings. It's great that all these people want to do things but it seems contrived as its been so much right now rather than say last year or the time before Ty left. I am allowed to be hurt and sad. I am allowed to miss my husband and be mad at him for what he did. But I also know when its appropriate to show those emotions. I don't understand why people don't realize that.
I got another letter from Ty. This time about graduation. He graduates March 7th. The ceremony gets done at 10:35 am and he has to report for departure at 1:00 pm. I thought we would have more time than that but I guess not. Though the brochure they sent did say he could be given addtnl liberty time if the plane/bus he's on decides to leave at a later time. However they cant tell you when you drop off the recruit and if the recruit does get the addtnl time, they have to call you from the base. I booked my hotel room to see him graduate but they've made it very hard to plan. I wasn't sure if I should book two night or just one. I only did one and if he does get addtnl time hopefully they will be able to book me another room. If not, I guess I wont get to spend it with him. He did say after boot camp he has to go to A school in Mississippi. But at least he does get electronic devices there (i.e. a cell phone) so long as I meet him at the airport to give it to him. However I don't get to know when his plane leaves or when they will get there or where they go in. I do know he's supposed to leave from O'Hare if he flies. Helpful.
Another thing that's been bugging me is that I think the gov is paying Ty way too much. His monthly pay is not a whole lot, but these last two paychecks are way more than what you get in boot camp for an E-1. I tried to talk to the recruiters and DAS (the people who actually pay them) about this but they cant help me. Only Ty can check with his PSD (personnel support division). The recruiter suggested I write Ty a letter. I wanted to jump through the damn phone and wring his neck. Like I haven't been writing him letters. I've only sent him 20+ so far. Every time I write him I have to wait two weeks before I get a response on the questions I had. I find this very frustrating. The recruiters told me to come see them if I had any problems while Ty was gone. Every time I have gone to see them with a problem, they can't help me. WTF good are they if they can't help? What was the point of telling me to see them with problems if they can't do anything? I'm beginning to hate bureaucracy.
When I was riding home from my cousin's comp yesterday, Mom mentioned that one of my step-cousins had been reading my blog on Myspace. She had been going over to say goodbye to my grandparents and Steve since she was leaving with her son, Ben, to meet up with her husband who si stationed in Georgia right now (he's in the Army I think). She decided that this presented her an opportunity to show how far superior she & her husband are compared to me and Ty, and asked Steve in front of my grandparents (whom I haven't told about my problems) if I had gotten everything fixed. Steve was quite embarrassed and and pretended not to know what she was talking about. So Ashley decided to go into further detail in hopes to get the info out there. Steve decided to ignore her queries and my grandparents didn't inquire any further, but really was that necessary. I think this really did show Steve that Ashley and her sister really don't like Matt or I. He likes to say our first meeting was a misunderstanding and that they really do like us. Somehow I don't believe this. The first time I met them, Ashley, Emily, and Becky were talking about me and Matt overheard them and asked them to repeat what they said. He was trying to defend me. They refused so Matt started talking about them. They didn't hear what he said, grew angry, and tried to force him to say it. This was all very childish of course and I hadn't even done anything to them to deserve being talked about negatively. The only ones who really seemed to accept Matt & I into the family (our age wise any way) were Mike and Michelle. Mike had previously met me when he came to one of the football games at Albion and we hung out afterwards.
It's all very ridiculous. And childish. But I guess some people never really get over their high school dramatics.
I've been having weird dreams lately. Some recurring ones. The recurring ones usually involve Nicole. Like she'll spend the night even though we don't talk at all. Then in the morning we get up, go to our respective wings of the house (apparently my house is really big in my dream) and Dave tries to drive his truck through my windows. He says he is trying to make sure we are up and talking. Then we both yell at him and he guns his truck and leaves. And that it. But I've had that dream like 4 times now.
Last night dream had my Dad, Steve, Ty, and Nicole in it. A liar, an abandoner, a betrayer, and a back stabber. In my dream, Ty & I were going to see my dad, so he could meet him. Matt came too. When we got my dads house (which took surprisingly little time considering we were driving out to BC from Jackson), Nicole was there having dinner with them. She was telling them all about Ty & I's problems we've been having recently. Dad and Steve both ushered her out of sight belatedly as I had already seen her. Then I turned to Matt but he was gone. Ty had gotten out and then seemed to almost melt away. Dad and Steve talked to me for a minute and then walked away in the house. i tried to follow but they were gone. I felt a tap on my shoulder and turned to find Nicole standing there. She looked at me and walked away too, fading in the distance. I walked out of the house and turned back to find it in the state it is today. Boarded up, abandoned and overgrown. I sat on the sidewalk in front and I died. I felt myself float above and watched my body fade away too. Then I woke up.
I think my lack of sleep lately is messing with my dreams. They've been weird like the one above. Hopefully they will go away soon. If not, I'll probably have them for the next eleven weeks or until I see Ty. I'm not sure. I know it's making me lose weight. I'm down 17lbs since Ty left. I guess it's good but it's not how I wanted to lose weight. I haven't had much of an appetite since he left nor I have I slept well.
This weekend was about the least busy I've been in a while. But not for lack of people offering me distractions. This last week was the first week since Ty left that I haven't had dinner with his parents. I get a phone call almost every night from someone, whether its, his parents, my parents, my friends, my aunts, Chris (Ty's boss), or Crystal. Every other weekend I have Isaac. The weekend I don't, I have people trying to make plans to keep me busy. It's like everyone thinks that if I don't have anything to do, I'll do something crazy or whatever. Why is it not ok to show we are sad anymore? What is wrong with being sad? Or hurt? At the same time, Bob and Shelly try to get me to go out with them for dinner a lot or come out to their house to hang out. I always feel like they are watching me for some sign, some crack or fissure. It's like they are expecting me to burst out crying any second now. I feel like everyone around me is treating me with kid gloves, like I'm extra fragile right now. I don't want the pity or the condescending feelings. It's great that all these people want to do things but it seems contrived as its been so much right now rather than say last year or the time before Ty left. I am allowed to be hurt and sad. I am allowed to miss my husband and be mad at him for what he did. But I also know when its appropriate to show those emotions. I don't understand why people don't realize that.
I got another letter from Ty. This time about graduation. He graduates March 7th. The ceremony gets done at 10:35 am and he has to report for departure at 1:00 pm. I thought we would have more time than that but I guess not. Though the brochure they sent did say he could be given addtnl liberty time if the plane/bus he's on decides to leave at a later time. However they cant tell you when you drop off the recruit and if the recruit does get the addtnl time, they have to call you from the base. I booked my hotel room to see him graduate but they've made it very hard to plan. I wasn't sure if I should book two night or just one. I only did one and if he does get addtnl time hopefully they will be able to book me another room. If not, I guess I wont get to spend it with him. He did say after boot camp he has to go to A school in Mississippi. But at least he does get electronic devices there (i.e. a cell phone) so long as I meet him at the airport to give it to him. However I don't get to know when his plane leaves or when they will get there or where they go in. I do know he's supposed to leave from O'Hare if he flies. Helpful.
Another thing that's been bugging me is that I think the gov is paying Ty way too much. His monthly pay is not a whole lot, but these last two paychecks are way more than what you get in boot camp for an E-1. I tried to talk to the recruiters and DAS (the people who actually pay them) about this but they cant help me. Only Ty can check with his PSD (personnel support division). The recruiter suggested I write Ty a letter. I wanted to jump through the damn phone and wring his neck. Like I haven't been writing him letters. I've only sent him 20+ so far. Every time I write him I have to wait two weeks before I get a response on the questions I had. I find this very frustrating. The recruiters told me to come see them if I had any problems while Ty was gone. Every time I have gone to see them with a problem, they can't help me. WTF good are they if they can't help? What was the point of telling me to see them with problems if they can't do anything? I'm beginning to hate bureaucracy.
When I was riding home from my cousin's comp yesterday, Mom mentioned that one of my step-cousins had been reading my blog on Myspace. She had been going over to say goodbye to my grandparents and Steve since she was leaving with her son, Ben, to meet up with her husband who si stationed in Georgia right now (he's in the Army I think). She decided that this presented her an opportunity to show how far superior she & her husband are compared to me and Ty, and asked Steve in front of my grandparents (whom I haven't told about my problems) if I had gotten everything fixed. Steve was quite embarrassed and and pretended not to know what she was talking about. So Ashley decided to go into further detail in hopes to get the info out there. Steve decided to ignore her queries and my grandparents didn't inquire any further, but really was that necessary. I think this really did show Steve that Ashley and her sister really don't like Matt or I. He likes to say our first meeting was a misunderstanding and that they really do like us. Somehow I don't believe this. The first time I met them, Ashley, Emily, and Becky were talking about me and Matt overheard them and asked them to repeat what they said. He was trying to defend me. They refused so Matt started talking about them. They didn't hear what he said, grew angry, and tried to force him to say it. This was all very childish of course and I hadn't even done anything to them to deserve being talked about negatively. The only ones who really seemed to accept Matt & I into the family (our age wise any way) were Mike and Michelle. Mike had previously met me when he came to one of the football games at Albion and we hung out afterwards.
It's all very ridiculous. And childish. But I guess some people never really get over their high school dramatics.