vida (don't read this if you don't want to get annoyed)
*sigh*.
these last couple of weeks have been difficult.
i started feeling weird/saddish when i first saw katie. she made me think of jason and how we would all spend time together and play. she is getting so big now. its amazing. i tried to get jason to hang out with me and her (she loves him) and told him that she was asking for him (she wasn't...i just wanted to see him and didn't want to admit it) but he seemed reluctant or not in the mood.
he took me to pick up my car when it was done getting repaired and we sat in the parking lot for so long just talking about things. not really relating to us, just things...and it felt really nice. we ate at jose's (our restaurant) the next day and talked about things not really relating to us again...and again it was nice.
we had katie soon again and i invited him to meet me and my parents and katie at el torito. but he had kind of a sad day and didn't feel like going. i was sad.
i went crazy the next day. it was my first day at school and while i was happy to be there, i hated the classes. well, actually, the first one. the teacher was so unbelievably cocky and annoyed me, while all the other students laughed at his show. i spent so much time just thinking about life and where it would take me...how i would somehow incorporate music into it. and i began to question so much. mollie's various situations ate at my head. i started to worry about everything, just sitting there in the desk.
i tried to call jason because i knew he would understand. we had been best friends since we met, pretty much. he knows. but he was acting strange and asked to call me back. he didn't. so i called again and again. and once, i heard a girl in the background. it broke my heart. but i still needed to talk to him very badly. so, of course, i kept calling him insanely. i don't even remember if i got to talk to him. i drove around. he got me to go back home.
the next day was the same, except i didn't know she was there again. but i still wanted to talk to him. in my memory whirl, i cannot recall what happened that day.
all in all, i've been hysterically depressed. i have realized who jason is to me...but i've known it all along.
we have this horrible cycle where if one wants the other, the other is in a different place/mindset.
a little over a year ago, i was throwing myself at him. but he didn't want me. but he loved me enough to let me in again. and when i saw that it wasn't right, that he still couldn't let me in...then i said goodbye. that was probably new years eve or the day before, of 2002.
and for this year, 2003, he came around again. calling me, writing me, writing and playing me songs he had written for me. but i wasn't here. not in our place. he was hysterically depressed.
and now that he's not here, i want him. its so dramatic and fucked up.
there is so much to our story that i could write a book about it.
i made myself go to sf last week. and i had the best time. i was surrounded by people who love me, good friends. best friends. we danced and ate, went to pink saturday and rolled, went to berkeley and discussed. the whole time i did nothing but think of jason. i had so many fantasies about him being there with us.
it makes me sad that we never went on a trip together. especially to sf. because we always dreamed of moving there and going to school together.
returning to so cal was horrible. i was happy to see my parents, but i had access to so much more pain here. and its not like i'm not to blame for so much of it. we both took part in the downfall. but i was the one who pushed the first domino. and i kept the momentum going when it stopped. i pushed another one down. and another.
i talked to jason and told him my clarifying experience in sf. how i loved him and know that he's my soulmate and that he has to go through this and so do i, because in the end we will be wonderful for each other. i told him that i understand that he needs perspective, when he told me that he's happy hanging out with this new girl. but it hurts to lose that extreme hope that one day everything will work out, and that we do belong together.
i called devin yesterday and he told me that his last months in ca were so difficult. i remember. he was so fucked up. he wouldn't come into work because he had passed out drunk on some floor and forgot he was supposed to come in. he did that a couple times. his fiance had dumped him and started dating a close acquaintance. he was so damned heartbroken. but he got up after those couple months and moved to ny. he told me that he just wanted that certainty. he wanted to know...are we ever going to be together again? is this really the end? its a horrible feeling. and he's still feeling it. but despite that, he's doing well and thriving at what he loves to do. i love him. he's a good friend.
yesterday i contemplated going back to sf and just living there. because being here, so close to him, feels so bad. but i can't even imagine what he felt when i did what i did to him. imagine your mother...your precious mother, deteriorating and dying right in front of you. your girlfriend of 3 yrs stops calling you because she can't handle it. and after your mother dies, your girlfriend comes back because she's supposedly realized what she's done. you try to work things out with her despite being abandoned. and she begins to cheat on you. over and over again. each time telling you that she won't do it again, that she's sorry. but she never learns.
i know that i need this time for me. it has seriously been such a long time since i've been forced to take a step back. i was in a horrible relationship for a mere 10 months. valentines day 98, we officially ended and i took time to work on myself. being a better person. praying, etc. jason and i got together may 25th 98. and ever since, i've had him...we had each other to lean on and help each other (except when things started to go down). so its been about 5 1/2 yrs since i've been independent. truly independent. i keep thinking that i can't do it. but i know its something i've been asking for. some time to work on myself. finish all the unfinished books. find myself.
i have been fucked up to so many people in the last couple years...but no one got it as bad as jason. and he's the only one that i love.
i know i need this time to recuperate. and change. because the way i was going, (this sounds really cheesy) i was going no where. just depending on others to do things for me.
and i've never been so lazy in my life. i've become the worst procrastinator.
i have become a really ugly person. and i need to change before i am really unhappy and just kill myself.
never thought i could be this way.
it is a blessing, all this sadness. i've always coasted through everything. things were too easy. and if they were hard, i lied to make them easier.
i don't know what will happen with jason and i. i can't help but wish and want things to work out. i began to say everything he's ever said to me. and it all made sense to me. finally. but he's in a different place now. he used to say that we were blessed; given this special gift of finding each other.
i know that everything happens for a reason. and this learning for me and him is long overdue. we've always rushed everything.
people keep telling me not to worry about anything. that we do belong together. and while its comforting that they seem to really have faith in those statements...i know at the same time that its unhealthy to keep thinking it when jason is really just moving on. maybe things will work out somehow. i can't get it out of my head. but its scares me to death to think that i've really lost him forever.
i want us both to be happy. he is the most deserving person. besides my parents and barb, he is the greatest person i know. i love him so much.
i can't stop typing about this. i have nothing else to do because i'm on my supposed vacation. i guess i could study for a class that i haven't gone to in a week.
i'm so pathetic.
i'm trying not to call him. but its hard. everyone knows.
he told me that he's not looking for a replacement for me; he knows he'll never find another me. gah, i could go on for eternity about our adventures and discussions. but i won't. i'll keep it to myself.
i made medical and eye appointments today. i wanted to make a counseling appt but i don't like the counselor at the indian clinic i go to. i tried her a couple years ago. maybe pechanga has one.
i haven't cried today. but there's still lumps in my throat. the ones that hurt.
these last couple of weeks have been difficult.
i started feeling weird/saddish when i first saw katie. she made me think of jason and how we would all spend time together and play. she is getting so big now. its amazing. i tried to get jason to hang out with me and her (she loves him) and told him that she was asking for him (she wasn't...i just wanted to see him and didn't want to admit it) but he seemed reluctant or not in the mood.
he took me to pick up my car when it was done getting repaired and we sat in the parking lot for so long just talking about things. not really relating to us, just things...and it felt really nice. we ate at jose's (our restaurant) the next day and talked about things not really relating to us again...and again it was nice.
we had katie soon again and i invited him to meet me and my parents and katie at el torito. but he had kind of a sad day and didn't feel like going. i was sad.
i went crazy the next day. it was my first day at school and while i was happy to be there, i hated the classes. well, actually, the first one. the teacher was so unbelievably cocky and annoyed me, while all the other students laughed at his show. i spent so much time just thinking about life and where it would take me...how i would somehow incorporate music into it. and i began to question so much. mollie's various situations ate at my head. i started to worry about everything, just sitting there in the desk.
i tried to call jason because i knew he would understand. we had been best friends since we met, pretty much. he knows. but he was acting strange and asked to call me back. he didn't. so i called again and again. and once, i heard a girl in the background. it broke my heart. but i still needed to talk to him very badly. so, of course, i kept calling him insanely. i don't even remember if i got to talk to him. i drove around. he got me to go back home.
the next day was the same, except i didn't know she was there again. but i still wanted to talk to him. in my memory whirl, i cannot recall what happened that day.
all in all, i've been hysterically depressed. i have realized who jason is to me...but i've known it all along.
we have this horrible cycle where if one wants the other, the other is in a different place/mindset.
a little over a year ago, i was throwing myself at him. but he didn't want me. but he loved me enough to let me in again. and when i saw that it wasn't right, that he still couldn't let me in...then i said goodbye. that was probably new years eve or the day before, of 2002.
and for this year, 2003, he came around again. calling me, writing me, writing and playing me songs he had written for me. but i wasn't here. not in our place. he was hysterically depressed.
and now that he's not here, i want him. its so dramatic and fucked up.
there is so much to our story that i could write a book about it.
i made myself go to sf last week. and i had the best time. i was surrounded by people who love me, good friends. best friends. we danced and ate, went to pink saturday and rolled, went to berkeley and discussed. the whole time i did nothing but think of jason. i had so many fantasies about him being there with us.
it makes me sad that we never went on a trip together. especially to sf. because we always dreamed of moving there and going to school together.
returning to so cal was horrible. i was happy to see my parents, but i had access to so much more pain here. and its not like i'm not to blame for so much of it. we both took part in the downfall. but i was the one who pushed the first domino. and i kept the momentum going when it stopped. i pushed another one down. and another.
i talked to jason and told him my clarifying experience in sf. how i loved him and know that he's my soulmate and that he has to go through this and so do i, because in the end we will be wonderful for each other. i told him that i understand that he needs perspective, when he told me that he's happy hanging out with this new girl. but it hurts to lose that extreme hope that one day everything will work out, and that we do belong together.
i called devin yesterday and he told me that his last months in ca were so difficult. i remember. he was so fucked up. he wouldn't come into work because he had passed out drunk on some floor and forgot he was supposed to come in. he did that a couple times. his fiance had dumped him and started dating a close acquaintance. he was so damned heartbroken. but he got up after those couple months and moved to ny. he told me that he just wanted that certainty. he wanted to know...are we ever going to be together again? is this really the end? its a horrible feeling. and he's still feeling it. but despite that, he's doing well and thriving at what he loves to do. i love him. he's a good friend.
yesterday i contemplated going back to sf and just living there. because being here, so close to him, feels so bad. but i can't even imagine what he felt when i did what i did to him. imagine your mother...your precious mother, deteriorating and dying right in front of you. your girlfriend of 3 yrs stops calling you because she can't handle it. and after your mother dies, your girlfriend comes back because she's supposedly realized what she's done. you try to work things out with her despite being abandoned. and she begins to cheat on you. over and over again. each time telling you that she won't do it again, that she's sorry. but she never learns.
i know that i need this time for me. it has seriously been such a long time since i've been forced to take a step back. i was in a horrible relationship for a mere 10 months. valentines day 98, we officially ended and i took time to work on myself. being a better person. praying, etc. jason and i got together may 25th 98. and ever since, i've had him...we had each other to lean on and help each other (except when things started to go down). so its been about 5 1/2 yrs since i've been independent. truly independent. i keep thinking that i can't do it. but i know its something i've been asking for. some time to work on myself. finish all the unfinished books. find myself.
i have been fucked up to so many people in the last couple years...but no one got it as bad as jason. and he's the only one that i love.
i know i need this time to recuperate. and change. because the way i was going, (this sounds really cheesy) i was going no where. just depending on others to do things for me.
and i've never been so lazy in my life. i've become the worst procrastinator.
i have become a really ugly person. and i need to change before i am really unhappy and just kill myself.
never thought i could be this way.
it is a blessing, all this sadness. i've always coasted through everything. things were too easy. and if they were hard, i lied to make them easier.
i don't know what will happen with jason and i. i can't help but wish and want things to work out. i began to say everything he's ever said to me. and it all made sense to me. finally. but he's in a different place now. he used to say that we were blessed; given this special gift of finding each other.
i know that everything happens for a reason. and this learning for me and him is long overdue. we've always rushed everything.
people keep telling me not to worry about anything. that we do belong together. and while its comforting that they seem to really have faith in those statements...i know at the same time that its unhealthy to keep thinking it when jason is really just moving on. maybe things will work out somehow. i can't get it out of my head. but its scares me to death to think that i've really lost him forever.
i want us both to be happy. he is the most deserving person. besides my parents and barb, he is the greatest person i know. i love him so much.
i can't stop typing about this. i have nothing else to do because i'm on my supposed vacation. i guess i could study for a class that i haven't gone to in a week.
i'm so pathetic.
i'm trying not to call him. but its hard. everyone knows.
he told me that he's not looking for a replacement for me; he knows he'll never find another me. gah, i could go on for eternity about our adventures and discussions. but i won't. i'll keep it to myself.
i made medical and eye appointments today. i wanted to make a counseling appt but i don't like the counselor at the indian clinic i go to. i tried her a couple years ago. maybe pechanga has one.
i haven't cried today. but there's still lumps in my throat. the ones that hurt.