will i ever be again for Cyndus?
the point of botching everything is that you hope you are able to make some small correction/contribution/move to set it right at the very end; the hope is that in death one has the ability to contribute to others or at least attain a lyric expression which renders death noble and erases the memory of messing everything up; in other words, to interest people in what you have become not what you were. however, i am a total marc anthony and even bungle my own death. terrific. talk about an anti-climax. sheesh! i could not seem to get one thing off the ground this evening and that is something i will now be regretting for a while. this was to be at least a smidge not so bad. i was not fooling myself into thinking i would get my cinema ending [i am crazy, not diluted] but i did think that with my last chance i could pull together something more memorable than a "see you. thank you. its been amazing" nope. this is me falling on my sword through my gut not my heart and so prolonging the mediocracy that is me. not to mention all the other goodbyes. i mean, this was the last time i will see lucy, julia, ab, aiden, marc, rhiannon, douglas and then there are all the people i didnt get to say goodbye to, but wanted to, but because of a myriad of reasons just couldnt. for gods sake, it has not hit. well, it did, sort of, as i left poptarts early, since they were playing horrid indie stuff [i pretended to be giggle Giggle Twirl to get through the hours i made it] and on my way out, after saying goodbye to them all, it sort of fell in on my, just this immense sense of finality. aaron, the doorman, said "see ya, committee" and i said "this is it, last time, i go home" he said "next time, i charge you" and flashed this really friendly nice welcoming smile and i realized as i uttered the words "next time" that it would be a long time, if ever, that i go to poptarts again and was sad that i left early on an indie night, leaving behind some of the coolest people i have met here, undeniably. but i will see them again in sF, as they almost all have plans to show up. and i will get facebook to let me stay in touch because, unlike, when people normally say "keep in touch" this is a set of people that i need to know and have. not because they are OX and because i want to avoid SF etc etc etc. but because I am OX with them. they are I . they are my friends.
"Picked this up on the spur of the moment because it's not something you see everyday "
"Picked this up on the spur of the moment because it's not something you see everyday "