i am, it seems, the fool up in the red dress
is it possible for me to have had soo much to drink at some point in my life that i have completely blanked and erased not just conversation but the entire experience of meeting someone? that is what i have seeminingly discovered as of this morning/last night. i have as far as *my* memory is concerned never met and certainly never gushed my undying crush to one of my, now old [hey, it was a crush, not like i expected marriage, well, i did, but that is part and parcel with crushing, you know? i didnt think it seriously, deep down. it was all in good fun and having been shot out of the sky, those hopes brought to face reality, i am, truely, over it. a crush after knowing the truth becomes stalking.....] crushes BEST FRIENDS! see what i mean? can i have been that stupid? or drunk? dubious. i rememebr letting the cat out of the bag to a mild aquaintaince of both and my roomates, clearly, had the luck to listen to me grieve and summon the heavens to my aid. but his, as far as it appears, best friend? cant have happened. besides, i have to reiterate the most obvious fact--I dont know hime at ALL. nothing. it was a crush in the purest most childlike sense. absolutely just crushing. pure innocent crushing. and its over, so let it go. but here i find i am being mocked, not for crushing but for being a total ass about it. um, cant really do that if one accepts the above statement, that is, if i was crushing i feel there is a certain amount of leinency that comes with said status, sort of like pilgrims in medieval europe, how they had special protection, supposedly, from the church and state. that was one revelation. i also found out that me being shot down, earlier, waaay earlier than this incident, may not have been my fault [gack, i just swallowed and my mouth tastes of gin, yum,...yeh, maybe but not at 830 in the am before tute...errr, i need to get dresseed and preped....] it appears that there is some intrigue and such, which i must discover. because if i get to the bottom of it and find out i have been made to be out of touch and out of time, someone is going to die. i promise you. i will kill someone if i find out that there was manipulation going on at least to prevent me from trying. to hell if i would have succeeded. but all i want is my chance to stand in line and make an ass out of myself. if i was denied that, there is going to be the wrath of god on this city and by god i mean me.
saw abby last night at poptarts, quite fun. she is done now, hurray. i wish people would finish finals sooner so i could celebrate with them. yes, i may be a huge lush now. val tute, gym, elf, piers. why is is sunny right now? more importantly, why will it be suny as i am forced to formulate this presentation. its,acctually, not that bad. i just wish i could have more time, since i blew it putzing around. i can do this though. i feel like a blimp, but cant be,really since i ate pauper for dinner and that is all. then i drank like a fish. had a great time dancing and schleping. absolutely did not schmuck. and missed the kebab carts. that was a weird sensation to watch them pack up and drive home. odd to see. but anyways. it makes no sense. its all mental. i am mental. had some fun crazy poll dancing, comittee, non, everyone. what am i doing here? i am lost. lost in oxford.
"My mother always told me to finish what I started, but she had no idea of some of the people I'd be dealing with. "
saw abby last night at poptarts, quite fun. she is done now, hurray. i wish people would finish finals sooner so i could celebrate with them. yes, i may be a huge lush now. val tute, gym, elf, piers. why is is sunny right now? more importantly, why will it be suny as i am forced to formulate this presentation. its,acctually, not that bad. i just wish i could have more time, since i blew it putzing around. i can do this though. i feel like a blimp, but cant be,really since i ate pauper for dinner and that is all. then i drank like a fish. had a great time dancing and schleping. absolutely did not schmuck. and missed the kebab carts. that was a weird sensation to watch them pack up and drive home. odd to see. but anyways. it makes no sense. its all mental. i am mental. had some fun crazy poll dancing, comittee, non, everyone. what am i doing here? i am lost. lost in oxford.
"My mother always told me to finish what I started, but she had no idea of some of the people I'd be dealing with. "