(no subject)
i can't decide if i should make an entry or not.
today was really difficult emotionally, for no reason in particular. family-wise i'm more clueless than ever as to where it is i stand, specifically in my 5 yr old nephew's life. i know these are all meant to be steps in the right direction--that he sleeps on his own now, that i'm moved to the dreary basement, that my brother or his girlfriend (presumably more permanent fixtures in his life) are getting him ready for & taking him to school.. but i couldn't help but feel a sense of loss, especially when i woke up yesterday morning & he was already gone. mornings were my favourite time of day with him because they are the most hands on & without distraction from television & video games if i move quickly enough. his pet fish died while i was gone. evidence suggests he still hasn't noticed. i feel sad about fishy being gone even though he had a miserable life & his usually dirty fishbowl was a disgusting fixture to have next to the dishrack.
i told niko before bed to wake me up when he got up. i woke up a little before 8 & felt depressed, thinking someone would be getting him ready for school soon. i tried to realize it was ridiculous, half-accepted it & fell back to sleep. around 9 i heard footsteps & realized it was saturday, wished i had gotten up the first time because i was wide awake then. as soon as i got up, i didn't feel up to task. i felt so listless all day, so empty of anything except this huge knot in my stomach. as usual niko wanted to do only the things i don't like to do, video games, cartoons, legos. i got really frustrated with legos. i detest the fucking things & want to melt them all. niko was seemingly just as bored & listless as i was. i got him to colour for 5 minutes, if that. i even suggested playing outside, in the snow. "there's nothing to do outside," he complained.
today was really difficult emotionally, for no reason in particular. family-wise i'm more clueless than ever as to where it is i stand, specifically in my 5 yr old nephew's life. i know these are all meant to be steps in the right direction--that he sleeps on his own now, that i'm moved to the dreary basement, that my brother or his girlfriend (presumably more permanent fixtures in his life) are getting him ready for & taking him to school.. but i couldn't help but feel a sense of loss, especially when i woke up yesterday morning & he was already gone. mornings were my favourite time of day with him because they are the most hands on & without distraction from television & video games if i move quickly enough. his pet fish died while i was gone. evidence suggests he still hasn't noticed. i feel sad about fishy being gone even though he had a miserable life & his usually dirty fishbowl was a disgusting fixture to have next to the dishrack.
i told niko before bed to wake me up when he got up. i woke up a little before 8 & felt depressed, thinking someone would be getting him ready for school soon. i tried to realize it was ridiculous, half-accepted it & fell back to sleep. around 9 i heard footsteps & realized it was saturday, wished i had gotten up the first time because i was wide awake then. as soon as i got up, i didn't feel up to task. i felt so listless all day, so empty of anything except this huge knot in my stomach. as usual niko wanted to do only the things i don't like to do, video games, cartoons, legos. i got really frustrated with legos. i detest the fucking things & want to melt them all. niko was seemingly just as bored & listless as i was. i got him to colour for 5 minutes, if that. i even suggested playing outside, in the snow. "there's nothing to do outside," he complained.