Nothing to see here
There is not, and will never be, anything here. Goodnight.
(And yet, it's a cruel world we live in, where it's easier to be hurt than it is to move on, babe, move on. How goth. How gauche. 05-08-15)
(I'm wearing my old brown hiking boots today, to see if they make me feel more like me. They don't. But I decided feel like me anyways. 06-12-07)
(I'm more excited about this "spring" thing than my sternly anti-hippy leanings generally permit. It's been a long winter, and it has been difficult to see the good in a lot of the pivotal events of the season. Love. 07-03-11)
(All dressed up and no place to go but home. Lucky I like where I live. 07-03-16)
(The more we have the more we spend. Thus, I am going to go get a strawberry milkshake. 07-04-15)
(Got a new bed and a raspberry rhubarb pie instead. That will do. Still 07-04-15)
(Aaaaand crash. It happens, there's literally nothing that can be done to stop it. It'll pass, nothing's changed. It's just a phase, and phases happen. Other trite turns of phrase. I want to die, but I'll get over it. Love. 07-06-25)
(... Not entirely happy with myself. Grateful. Shaken. Embarrassed. Not necessarily in that order. Yesterday I wasn't sure that anything would be okay. Today I'm allowing myself to be significantly more hopeful. 07-07-09)
(That said, there have been times over the past few days where I've been basically immobilized by fear that we aren't going to make it. 07-07-11)
(But we did, and we do, and we will. I'm sorry I've been a little sketchy lately. You know how they sometimes say, it's not you, it's me. Well, it's not you. It's me. There are things that seem hardwired that need to not be, to which I will not be subject. It's not always easy, but will only get easier, and I will beat it.
There are times when it burns tight and sharp and slow in the pit of my chest, and I wish I was the kind of boy who could shout and scream and breathe fire, but I'm not, and I'm glad I'm not. I'm happy, though, you understand? There's nothing that makes me happier than you make me, and that is enough, simply and in and of itself. But this doesn't mean that we can't do better, that we shouldn't want to do better.
When I was younger, I thought I would be content to be content. But that's unambitious, and believe it or not, I'm not unambitious. I love you. 07-07-20)
(Up and down, up and down. We're out of the woods, I maintain this. There's still a chance, there's always a chance, that we'll fall apart. If we do, though, we'll go down fighting, and I don't mean each other.
And I know some couples just don't make it. Yes, it happens, and to better people than us. Yes, there are some things that all the hard work, all the good intentions in the world can't do anything about.
But fuck that. Let's go for the win. 07-07-26)
(Okay, since you're wondering: yes, I'm unhappy right now. I'm really, desperately, completely unhappy. The things I value most in my life are broken, and might not be fixable. How the fuck do you think I feel?
I'm good at distracting myself. I'm really good at escapism. And there's plenty to do out there that's good, people that I love. These can keep my attention for upwards of an hour, sometimes. It's pretty awesome.
So yes, if I tell you nothing's wrong, this is a lie, of sorts. It is likely the case that nothing is wrong in particular, at this moment, above and beyond the obvious. Take it for what it's worth. And frankly, beyond that caveat, it's a stupid question. Plenty's wrong. I'm working on it. Things will get better. In the meanwhile, as they say, your patience, your cooperation, your understanding, they are appreciated. 07-08-06)
(More angst, but if it helps me in any way to get this shit down, then, well, down it is. It's not like anyone needs to read it. In many ways I hope nobody ever does. This is a strange concept to me; I'm not used to the idea of doing things for nobody's benefit but my own. Even writing this, I'm conscious of a potential audience.
I think, though, that it's time to dispense with this cryptic lj-speak bullshit. I'm sad right now, and have been for almost all of the past month or so. I'm sad because I did something stupid to hurt Eva and I don't know if we'll survive. I don't know if we'll be able to handle being together long enough for the healing to happen. I'm going to leave the exact nature deliberately obtuse, but this is because it is embarrassing. You can find out if you really want to. It was stupid. Eva is hurt.
We've promised to give it until the end of August before we make any world-altering decisions. I am grateful.
Lee has said we should spend some time apart. He's right, but it's difficult to do this when you live together, when you're used to depending on each other for everything. I think it's becoming increasingly clear that this is what probably needs to happen anyways, but if we do separate, I'm afraid that we'll never come back together.
I've killed and re-written this next paragraph several times now, so let's just be blunt and honest. Right now, there's a large part of me that doesn't even want us to make it, that just wants to stop trying right now. This is irrational, escapist, but it seems like it would be easier to throw it all away and get out of this awful, painful, frustrating, drawn-out situation than to put in the work, the time, the patience, to see it through. Not that I won't; believe it or not, I'm not stupid, and I can be stubborn, and I won't let myself be lazy enough to let the best thing that ever happened to me slip away, but it doesn't make me any happier to acknowledge how tempted I am to just say fuck it and walk. I think Eva is wrestling with the same issues. This doesn't make me feel better about anything.
I want to say more, but I've run out of words for now. 07-08-07)
(A relationship should make you happy, is all I'm saying. Right now, you're not happy. I'm not happy. The bottom has fallen out, and nothing else works without the basics. We've promised ourselves time to see if we can't fix that, rediscover the joy we've taken in each other. I want it to work, and I know we can fix it, but I don't know how, or even where to start.
One of my co-workers suggested relationship counseling. Conceivably helpful, but where is the money going to come from? 07-08-07, but later on in the evening)
(And him. I've said it before, but I'll say it in writing, too. We will not break up because of him. How else to put it?
If a relationship is good and strong and healthy, then there should be no insecurity. It should be unthinkable that a partner will leave the other for somebody out of the blue. Random flings, boys on the side, these things are not threats, and should never be treated as such. Infatuation that results from these things is not a problem; almost always, it passes.
There's more: if, in an allegedly functional relationship, one partner feels they would be better served, happier, more fulfilled with someone else, the other partner owes it to them to let them go. Can I be clearer? If, in all our strength, you had met, got involved, and fallen in love with another man, to the extent where you were no longer content with me as your primary partner, it would be my duty as someone who loves and cares for you to let you go. It would hurt. I don't know if I would be capable of it, in all honesty. But it is the correct action, I feel, for a person in that situation to take.
(we are neither of us good at sharing, in any real way. i couldn't live with you if your heart was elsewhere, nor you with me.)
That situation is not ours. I do not think it ever would have been, ever will be ours. I have no reason to doubt us, in our strength.
We are weak, right now. There isn't much that connects us. Time together is work; rewarding work, often, work towards a very good cause, but it isn't fun, not in any trivial or short-term sense of the word. Time with him is not work; even given the guiltiness I know both of you are dealing with, it is still fun, largely untroubled by the issues we are working through. If, in the end, we don't make it, of course you will try to make a relationship with him work. But that will be us not making it, not you leaving me for him because things are hard. I trust you that much, and have seen no reason to regret this.
So, me sabotaging my own relationship? Fuck that. I'm doing nothing of the sort. If he makes you happy, you should see him, and if what we're working on makes you so unhappy that you can no longer bear it, you should go to him for keeps. That's not even difficult. That's sheerest good sense. Just as his absence would not make this easier in any way, nor do I feel his existence makes this harder.
And will I be bitter? Will it hurt? Of course. It's never nice to think that somebody else may succeed where you yourself have failed, not when it means this much. But will either you be at fault, will either of you deserve any rancor? I don't believe so. 07-08-08)
(And that was that. On with life. 07-10-04, but also the past two months.)
(Just another day. [added later 09-12-09, another lover. I miss this one, you, I miss you too. I don't want to be the sort of person who doesn't miss people, and thankfully I'm not] Maybe it's the externals, but it seems like we may be winding down. This makes me sad. I really do like you. I wish you liked yourself more. Mind, I wish we all liked ourselves more. Maybe it's a generational thing. Even our egotists have self-esteem issues.
I wish I was less afraid of change. I wish I was better at getting by. Christopher says that most people don't even get a shot at contentment (I'm sure he's right), that it's his goal to be content with being content (I don't believe him). Intimacy and companionship, he says. There are certainly worse things.
It's not my goal to be content with being content.
But I do like you.
09-04-08)
(Life is too short to be simple, but complicated isn't always easy. I miss you. 09-07-19)
(I, we, am, are getting better at this. But holy fuck it gets rocky sometimes, doesn't it? I like the new boy, though I doubt I'll ever love him, more than we both already do I mean of course. Maybe you will. That would probably do him some good, probably us too.
I don't like how your brain is broken. It scares me sometimes, it troubles me sometimes. Sometimes it makes me angry or hurt, too. It does all these things to you as well, on a magnitude I can scarcely understand, so I'm not criticizing, just remarking.
And I'm over-dramatizing it, of course. It's part of you and us, but by no means a big part. And there're real worries, medical fiscal social personal. Some are poised to disappear, some will linger.
I like this strange little life we're (re)building. It's not perfect, I need more space you need more attention, but I think we have the tools to make it work. Onwards. 09-12-09)
(And yet, it's a cruel world we live in, where it's easier to be hurt than it is to move on, babe, move on. How goth. How gauche. 05-08-15)
(I'm wearing my old brown hiking boots today, to see if they make me feel more like me. They don't. But I decided feel like me anyways. 06-12-07)
(I'm more excited about this "spring" thing than my sternly anti-hippy leanings generally permit. It's been a long winter, and it has been difficult to see the good in a lot of the pivotal events of the season. Love. 07-03-11)
(All dressed up and no place to go but home. Lucky I like where I live. 07-03-16)
(The more we have the more we spend. Thus, I am going to go get a strawberry milkshake. 07-04-15)
(Got a new bed and a raspberry rhubarb pie instead. That will do. Still 07-04-15)
(Aaaaand crash. It happens, there's literally nothing that can be done to stop it. It'll pass, nothing's changed. It's just a phase, and phases happen. Other trite turns of phrase. I want to die, but I'll get over it. Love. 07-06-25)
(... Not entirely happy with myself. Grateful. Shaken. Embarrassed. Not necessarily in that order. Yesterday I wasn't sure that anything would be okay. Today I'm allowing myself to be significantly more hopeful. 07-07-09)
(That said, there have been times over the past few days where I've been basically immobilized by fear that we aren't going to make it. 07-07-11)
(But we did, and we do, and we will. I'm sorry I've been a little sketchy lately. You know how they sometimes say, it's not you, it's me. Well, it's not you. It's me. There are things that seem hardwired that need to not be, to which I will not be subject. It's not always easy, but will only get easier, and I will beat it.
There are times when it burns tight and sharp and slow in the pit of my chest, and I wish I was the kind of boy who could shout and scream and breathe fire, but I'm not, and I'm glad I'm not. I'm happy, though, you understand? There's nothing that makes me happier than you make me, and that is enough, simply and in and of itself. But this doesn't mean that we can't do better, that we shouldn't want to do better.
When I was younger, I thought I would be content to be content. But that's unambitious, and believe it or not, I'm not unambitious. I love you. 07-07-20)
(Up and down, up and down. We're out of the woods, I maintain this. There's still a chance, there's always a chance, that we'll fall apart. If we do, though, we'll go down fighting, and I don't mean each other.
And I know some couples just don't make it. Yes, it happens, and to better people than us. Yes, there are some things that all the hard work, all the good intentions in the world can't do anything about.
But fuck that. Let's go for the win. 07-07-26)
(Okay, since you're wondering: yes, I'm unhappy right now. I'm really, desperately, completely unhappy. The things I value most in my life are broken, and might not be fixable. How the fuck do you think I feel?
I'm good at distracting myself. I'm really good at escapism. And there's plenty to do out there that's good, people that I love. These can keep my attention for upwards of an hour, sometimes. It's pretty awesome.
So yes, if I tell you nothing's wrong, this is a lie, of sorts. It is likely the case that nothing is wrong in particular, at this moment, above and beyond the obvious. Take it for what it's worth. And frankly, beyond that caveat, it's a stupid question. Plenty's wrong. I'm working on it. Things will get better. In the meanwhile, as they say, your patience, your cooperation, your understanding, they are appreciated. 07-08-06)
(More angst, but if it helps me in any way to get this shit down, then, well, down it is. It's not like anyone needs to read it. In many ways I hope nobody ever does. This is a strange concept to me; I'm not used to the idea of doing things for nobody's benefit but my own. Even writing this, I'm conscious of a potential audience.
I think, though, that it's time to dispense with this cryptic lj-speak bullshit. I'm sad right now, and have been for almost all of the past month or so. I'm sad because I did something stupid to hurt Eva and I don't know if we'll survive. I don't know if we'll be able to handle being together long enough for the healing to happen. I'm going to leave the exact nature deliberately obtuse, but this is because it is embarrassing. You can find out if you really want to. It was stupid. Eva is hurt.
We've promised to give it until the end of August before we make any world-altering decisions. I am grateful.
Lee has said we should spend some time apart. He's right, but it's difficult to do this when you live together, when you're used to depending on each other for everything. I think it's becoming increasingly clear that this is what probably needs to happen anyways, but if we do separate, I'm afraid that we'll never come back together.
I've killed and re-written this next paragraph several times now, so let's just be blunt and honest. Right now, there's a large part of me that doesn't even want us to make it, that just wants to stop trying right now. This is irrational, escapist, but it seems like it would be easier to throw it all away and get out of this awful, painful, frustrating, drawn-out situation than to put in the work, the time, the patience, to see it through. Not that I won't; believe it or not, I'm not stupid, and I can be stubborn, and I won't let myself be lazy enough to let the best thing that ever happened to me slip away, but it doesn't make me any happier to acknowledge how tempted I am to just say fuck it and walk. I think Eva is wrestling with the same issues. This doesn't make me feel better about anything.
I want to say more, but I've run out of words for now. 07-08-07)
(A relationship should make you happy, is all I'm saying. Right now, you're not happy. I'm not happy. The bottom has fallen out, and nothing else works without the basics. We've promised ourselves time to see if we can't fix that, rediscover the joy we've taken in each other. I want it to work, and I know we can fix it, but I don't know how, or even where to start.
One of my co-workers suggested relationship counseling. Conceivably helpful, but where is the money going to come from? 07-08-07, but later on in the evening)
(And him. I've said it before, but I'll say it in writing, too. We will not break up because of him. How else to put it?
If a relationship is good and strong and healthy, then there should be no insecurity. It should be unthinkable that a partner will leave the other for somebody out of the blue. Random flings, boys on the side, these things are not threats, and should never be treated as such. Infatuation that results from these things is not a problem; almost always, it passes.
There's more: if, in an allegedly functional relationship, one partner feels they would be better served, happier, more fulfilled with someone else, the other partner owes it to them to let them go. Can I be clearer? If, in all our strength, you had met, got involved, and fallen in love with another man, to the extent where you were no longer content with me as your primary partner, it would be my duty as someone who loves and cares for you to let you go. It would hurt. I don't know if I would be capable of it, in all honesty. But it is the correct action, I feel, for a person in that situation to take.
(we are neither of us good at sharing, in any real way. i couldn't live with you if your heart was elsewhere, nor you with me.)
That situation is not ours. I do not think it ever would have been, ever will be ours. I have no reason to doubt us, in our strength.
We are weak, right now. There isn't much that connects us. Time together is work; rewarding work, often, work towards a very good cause, but it isn't fun, not in any trivial or short-term sense of the word. Time with him is not work; even given the guiltiness I know both of you are dealing with, it is still fun, largely untroubled by the issues we are working through. If, in the end, we don't make it, of course you will try to make a relationship with him work. But that will be us not making it, not you leaving me for him because things are hard. I trust you that much, and have seen no reason to regret this.
So, me sabotaging my own relationship? Fuck that. I'm doing nothing of the sort. If he makes you happy, you should see him, and if what we're working on makes you so unhappy that you can no longer bear it, you should go to him for keeps. That's not even difficult. That's sheerest good sense. Just as his absence would not make this easier in any way, nor do I feel his existence makes this harder.
And will I be bitter? Will it hurt? Of course. It's never nice to think that somebody else may succeed where you yourself have failed, not when it means this much. But will either you be at fault, will either of you deserve any rancor? I don't believe so. 07-08-08)
(And that was that. On with life. 07-10-04, but also the past two months.)
(Just another day. [added later 09-12-09, another lover. I miss this one, you, I miss you too. I don't want to be the sort of person who doesn't miss people, and thankfully I'm not] Maybe it's the externals, but it seems like we may be winding down. This makes me sad. I really do like you. I wish you liked yourself more. Mind, I wish we all liked ourselves more. Maybe it's a generational thing. Even our egotists have self-esteem issues.
I wish I was less afraid of change. I wish I was better at getting by. Christopher says that most people don't even get a shot at contentment (I'm sure he's right), that it's his goal to be content with being content (I don't believe him). Intimacy and companionship, he says. There are certainly worse things.
It's not my goal to be content with being content.
But I do like you.
09-04-08)
(Life is too short to be simple, but complicated isn't always easy. I miss you. 09-07-19)
(I, we, am, are getting better at this. But holy fuck it gets rocky sometimes, doesn't it? I like the new boy, though I doubt I'll ever love him, more than we both already do I mean of course. Maybe you will. That would probably do him some good, probably us too.
I don't like how your brain is broken. It scares me sometimes, it troubles me sometimes. Sometimes it makes me angry or hurt, too. It does all these things to you as well, on a magnitude I can scarcely understand, so I'm not criticizing, just remarking.
And I'm over-dramatizing it, of course. It's part of you and us, but by no means a big part. And there're real worries, medical fiscal social personal. Some are poised to disappear, some will linger.
I like this strange little life we're (re)building. It's not perfect, I need more space you need more attention, but I think we have the tools to make it work. Onwards. 09-12-09)