Arthur Dunphy
Prompt: Arthur's last name is Dunphy. He takes Eames along with him on a visit to his big brother's house so he can meet the family.
Pairings/Characters: Arthur/Eames, Phil/Claire, Cam/Mitchell, Jay/Gloria, Luke, Hayley, Alex, Manny
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 2,165
Genre: Romance, Humour, Family/Domestic
Disclaimer: I do own Inception or the characters. I am not earning any profit from this.
“Eames, no! Eames!”
“What? Oh come on Arthur!” Eames grumbled, pouting his ridiculously full lips.
Arthur signed long and loud, evidence that this was a persistent argument.
“We are not giving my nephew a gun; I don’t care how American it is.”
Eames rolled his eyes, casually clutching a wrapped box with an air rifle inside under his arm, recently just being revealed from the boot of their car.
“Jem sure as hell appreciated it when Atticus gave him one.”
Arthur simply ignored him, having heard this argument, along with the other non-sensible reasons to allow his thirteen year old nephew handle a gun. As if a fictional book and character was going to convince him. Arthur shuddered internally, if Luke was still anything like he was the last time Arthur saw him…
Arthur had turned to face Eames once he had stepped up to the door, and Eames had returned from depositing the package back into the car boot.
“You just want to impress my family.” Arthur scoffed mockingly; rearranging what he had assumed was an age and uncle appropriate gift under his arm.
Eames chuckled, “Oh yes because you were the epitome of tranquil and composed when you met my mother.”
Arthur bristled recalling the very occasion, there had been far too many knocked vases, stained carpets and scarred-Eames’-mother-for-life-when-she-walked-in-on-them-having-sex happenstances.
Come on! Arthur scolded himself, four times in three days, nobody that’s unlucky!
“Yes, well there’s a difference. Your mother actually has the power and will to have me killed. The worse Luke can to do is throw up on you after eating too much cake.”
“Ooh lovely! Do remind me why I’m at a child’s birthday party.”
“Because you love me jackass,” Arthur sniped before leaning in to give a loving peck, and then promptly wiping it off once he saw Eames’ cocksure leer.
“Now I should warn you, Phil probably has his entire extended family over. I’ve met them a few times and…they can be a bit much. Just stay nice and polite. My brother will love you, he loves everyone, and so will Claire, probably. Just don’t do anything to get on the wrong side of her father or her brother. Whose also gay. And has a kid with his boyfriend.”
“Not husband?”
“America,” Arthur merely sing-song, before jumping in minute fright, a military man would do no more, as the front door lunged open.
“Argh!” Phil Dunphy screamed out, “Look who it is! My baby brother and his ‘college roommate,’” Phil laughed leading the two men inside the house.
“Nah! I’m just joking.” Instantly turning serious and solemn, “You must be Eames, Arthur’s boyfriend.” Phil nodded and shook his hand with all the impression of a salesman.
“Yeah, alright mate?”
“Oh, wow, Arthur never mentioned you were English!” Phil gawped at Eames, “Wow, what’s like? Have you ever met the Queen? I bet she’s just brilliant.”
Before Eames could answer, Phil abruptly gathered Arthur into a tight hug, “Aw Artie! I haven’t seen you in years! Have you seen mom and dad recently? Aren’t they great? Oh Eames here, come and meet my wife!”
Arthur stayed with Phil to discuss their parents, as Claire hurried over, her blonde hair in a dismay, sticking up at random angles, wiping her hands on a teacloth.
“Hey, I’m Claire Phil’s wife.”
Shaking her hand and nodding amicably, “Nice to meet you, I’m Eames.”
“Oh my God he’s English!” Somebody had squealed.
“Huh? Who? Wow, have you met Queen?!”
It was only then Eames noticed the room set off to the side of the staircase, Eames had assumed that the rest of the family would’ve been in the direction that Claire had come in. Instead about four adults, and five children were huddled in a group. The adults standing, and the children sitting.
All were staring directly at him.
The person who just asked him had evidently been the bushy curly haired boy who was looking up at him in awe, jaw wide open.
“Erm, good afternoon.”
“OMG, I can’t believe my uncle is dating an Englishman, that is so cool! I have to tell my friends!” Learning that the excited squeak previously had belonged to a rather beautiful, around eighteen year old Eames deduced, with long raven black hair, whose phone had already been attached to her hand before she had started frantically texting.
“Er, that’s Hayley, my oldest daughter. You can just ignore her, she’s just never met someone from England before.”
“Yes I gathered. I never realised quite what a big deal that was.” Eames smiled patiently, and continued to assess the occupants of the room, wishing Arthur would hurry up. The staring was really rather unnerving.
Only two people were not staring directly at him, one was a toddler who appeared to be Asian, and the boy from before, who had ostensibly grew bored of the English stranger in his house and had gone back to opening birthday presents. Well at least I know which one is Arthur’s nephew.
“This is my dad, Jay Pritchett and his wife Gloria.”
A rather heavy set man, with a balding head, holding a glass of scotch in one hand shook his hand politely.
“Nice to meet you.”
“Yes! Very nice to meet you! Finally I am not the only one round here without an American accent! And this is my son Manny!”
“Hello.”
“Look I’m sorry I have to get back to my oven, but we’ll talk later!” Claire nodding her head severely left the room. Well that’s one starer down, he thought to himself.
Eames had to admit, whatever he expected of Arthur’s family, or rather of Arthur’s brother’s family, it was not that Phil’s father-in-law was married to such a voluptuous and exotic woman, who had curves in all the right places. Despite the expensive clothing and jewellery, Eames guessed she did not belong in this white, middle-class conservative America.
She would be a very handy forge. Need to practice my Columbian accent however.
Despite this, the biggest surprise was definitely her son. Now this was who Eames could imagine Arthur being the most like, regardless of having no actual relation. He was obviously still as young as Luke was, and yet acted more like an adult than anyone else in the room. Dressed in a crisp cream linen suit, fitted black cumber-band and dickie bow tie, he held an aura of superiority. Make that two forgers, Eames smirked to himself.
“Hey. Hey. Hey,” Eames startled, getting lost in his thoughts of forging a perfect mother and son duo. A flamed red head chap had hold of his hand, shaking it up and down furiously. His wide spread grin was highlighted by his cherry blushed cheeks. Eames realised that he wasn’t going to let go anytime soon guessing by the continuous nervous stuttering of “Hey”, and the tightening pressure on his hand.
An overweight man dressed up in bright paisley, that Eames couldn’t help to admire, came over grabbing the red-haired man’s arm and whispered in his ear,
“Okay Mitchell, that’s enough. I said that’s enough!” Eames was rather amused by the fact that even though this man was practically snarling his words, he still managed to sound very effeminate.
Pulling his boyfriend’s hand out of Eames’, Mitchell seemed to break out of his trance and rapidly looked slightly guilty as he faced his husband.
“Cam I’m so sorry! I, I don’t know what happened!”
“It’s ok sweetie.”
“Here Mitchell, come and sit over here.” Jay waved his arm and ushered Mitchell down beside him, on the other side of the room to Eames.
“Hi! My name’s Cameron, you may call me Cam. I’m sorry about that he’s never met someone English before.” Cam’s arms swooped and waved through the air whilst he talked, Eames was rather memorised.
“That’s fine. I get it a lot.” Eames charmingly answered winking.
“Oh my God he winked at me!” Cam suddenly gasped clasping his mouth in glee, and practically falling backwards next to Mitchell who simply looked at him appalled.
Eames was relieved when Arthur had chosen that moment to return to his side. He knew without looking at him, that Arthur’s eyebrow was raised in pure judgement towards the opposite gay couple.
Noticing a cry of delight from Luke, Eames apprehended that Arthur must have given him his present, as he had already ripped open the wrapping revealing fifty dollars inside a card, (the card of which was promptly tossed to one side without Luke even glancing at the words), and a remote controlled fighter aeroplane.
“Really? The real thing too much, huh?”
“Please tell me you are not trying to compare a robot to a real live gun!” Arthur hissed.
Racing out of the door, his exuberant father closely following, Luke shouted out, “Thank you Uncle Arthur! My last one died last week as I drove it into my neighbour’s Rottweiler!”
This then meant that Eames and Arthur were stuck with people they barely knew, most of whom were still staring.
“Manny why you no go play!”
“When I wanted to play this morning you said no. Now you want me to, make up your mind, or I’m going to be a very confused and indecisive individual when I’m older.”
“Hey, when did you tell him he can’t play?” Jay asked, squinting down at his wife.
Gloria shrugged and replied sounding slightly shamed yet unapologetically, “This morning, when you wanted Manny to go to golfing with you. I needed him to help me with my pedicure and manicure, my usual was off today. She has the sniffles.”
“What?! That’s the last thing that the kid needs to be doing!”
Turning out the rest of the fight, but keeping keen notice what Gloria looks like angry; bared teeth, raised arms, stronger accent.
“Oh, hey Alex. Where have you been?” Arthur was asking the recent arrival, a teenager girl dressed in a scientific equation t-shirt and black rimmed glasses to add to the rather stereotypical geek chic look. Eames hummed to himself, before refutably deciding she would be to boring of a forge, easy yes, but boring.
“I’ve been helping in the kitchen with my mom. Do you know where she went?!” Alex appeared panicked, so Eames was quick to answer.
“She told me she was heading back to the oven, love.”
“Huh? Whoa!” Alex nervously chuckled as her eyes went wide and dark. To Eames’ dismay she started to brush her hair, wrapping it around her shoulder.
“Erm, hi!”
Arthur groaned, and introduced her to Eames, “Alex this is my boyfriend Eames, Eames this is Alex she’s my brother’s middle child.”
“I’m not a child! I mean, well, I…I just…” Rather than finish her sentence Alex spun around once again and made a beeline for the kitchen.
Resisting the impulse to check his totem, smirking when he noticed Arthur failing to do so, Eames resigned himself to awkward and boring small talk, and more staring.
Five minutes later the smoke alarm began to ring.
“MOM!” Alex screamed from the kitchen.
“OH MY GOD WHAT DID YOU DO?!” Hayley yelled vaulting off the couch and racing to the kitchen where the sweet bitter smell of charcoal was beginning to waft from.
“Aw, geez, what now?” Jay grumbled, taking a break from his shouting argument with Gloria, which had somehow turned into an argument about Gloria’s shouting. Eames knew which side he’d bet on, and it was Gloria’s. Eames guessed that right or wrong Gloria always won. And he loved that.
Luke, Manny and Phil in the meantime had walked in looking despondent. Phil’s head soon shot up, only seemingly hearing the alarm for the first time, and went to help Alex.
Luke and Manny tracked over to Arthur, holding what seemed to be a snapped off wing painted with blue and red stripes, “Sorry Uncle Arthur we got too cocky.”
Mitchell and Cam were trying to prise wrapping paper out of Lily’s mouth, both of them bickering what was the correct parenting method to adopt when handling your child eating paper.
“WHAT?! Alex I leave you alone for five minutes and you burn the house down!” Claire raged storming down the stairs and into the kitchen.
How did she get up there without me noticing? Eames questioned, frowning deeply unable to get his hard-wired soldier instincts at bay.
“DON’T BLAME ME I WANTED TO DO MY HOMEWORK BUT NOOO!” Alex protested though the passageway.
“So.” Eames casually started causing Arthur to finally lift his head out of his hands the punch of disappointing reality had hit him, “I bet Christmas with my mother is looking pretty attractive now isn’t?”
Resisting the urge to punch the wide spread smirk on his boyfriend’s face, Arthur reluctantly said, “I’ll think about it,” just as there was a simultaneous thundering crash from the kitchen, followed by more shouts and screams. It was apparently Phil’s fault listening to all three girls accuse him, and Phil’s responding apologies.
Eames purred, “You do that darling.”
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