pyrrhic victory
defeated 10 hours of depression just now ie half an hour ago.
On the link debate, the advocacy, the "better" alternate universes and futures that I end up torturing myself... the further they are from where I am the less attainable they could have been. It's too easy to ignore how gradual and subtle real change almost always is. Counseling didn't help me here, why should i take for granted it would've helped me at home? I was probably more difficult then than I am now.
Impact wise: I don't have it so bad. Sure I'm not going to grad school with grades like these, no one will remember me for being consistently bright or hardworking, just as always for the occasional flash of off the wall insight or humor. But that's what's really been consistent about me this whole time. I never ran out of or away from whatever 'genius' I could be accused of having. And it's at least not a new sour grapes assertion that I never wanted to stay in academia forever.
Defense: I still worry that the lack of desire to distinguish myself scholastically has been nothing but my low self esteem spilling over, and making self fulfilling prophecies of failure. Fuck it, I can't say failure, the only things I've failed I've literally been to depressed to do. When I try at all, I can't fail. I'm just too randomly fucking insightful, that's what dilettantism is all about.
Pyrrhic?: So the big question is why my plans are still so dark: I have ideas about what I want to do, and I know for sure that they're attainable. They don't seem to be unsatisfying or selling out or boring or bad at all, or final; all of which my seemingly inevitable plan is.
On the link debate, the advocacy, the "better" alternate universes and futures that I end up torturing myself... the further they are from where I am the less attainable they could have been. It's too easy to ignore how gradual and subtle real change almost always is. Counseling didn't help me here, why should i take for granted it would've helped me at home? I was probably more difficult then than I am now.
Impact wise: I don't have it so bad. Sure I'm not going to grad school with grades like these, no one will remember me for being consistently bright or hardworking, just as always for the occasional flash of off the wall insight or humor. But that's what's really been consistent about me this whole time. I never ran out of or away from whatever 'genius' I could be accused of having. And it's at least not a new sour grapes assertion that I never wanted to stay in academia forever.
Defense: I still worry that the lack of desire to distinguish myself scholastically has been nothing but my low self esteem spilling over, and making self fulfilling prophecies of failure. Fuck it, I can't say failure, the only things I've failed I've literally been to depressed to do. When I try at all, I can't fail. I'm just too randomly fucking insightful, that's what dilettantism is all about.
Pyrrhic?: So the big question is why my plans are still so dark: I have ideas about what I want to do, and I know for sure that they're attainable. They don't seem to be unsatisfying or selling out or boring or bad at all, or final; all of which my seemingly inevitable plan is.