unsure
Sometimes I did wonder..did I made a wrong decision?
did I chose the wrong path?
Lately, I've been thinking a lot..about stuff that happened.
How I didn't work for the past few months, how I just sit at home and do nothing instead
It felt so wrong. I know.
I don't think mom and dad realized I'm a different person from who I am before
When mom said I should be a substitute teacher, I got really scared. I didn't sleep at night. Mom said it's gonna be easy since I'm used to be on stage during my school years.. I held back my tears. Mom, I'm not anymore. I'm awkward with people, I hate socializing, I keep contact only with a few friends and talked only with them. I'm scared of people, you don't even know. I can't imagined myself talking to kids, they won't like me for sure. I can't imagine myself having colleagues older than me and sit with them in the office. It would be really scary.
And when I worked for just one day at my cousin's bakery house. I stopped cause I felt really intimidated by my aunt when she scolded me. I'm sure she didn't mean it that way, to intimidate me and stuff but thats how I perceived it. I got really scared and I'm not even kidding. I cried for hours. *sigh* I don't even know how to explain.
After that, mom just stop asking me to work..I don't know~ may be she gave up on me.
Then, on top of all the dramas, I'm having a doubts about my own future.
I'm just feeling unsure of everything.
Is this dream really possible?
Or is it actually unreachable? it's just me pushing it beyond my limit, beyond my capability.
Either way..
future still seems so vague
and I'm slowly losing it..I don't know what is wrong and right anymore.
P/s:not sure why I'm using LJ instead of blog.