Leap of Faith
This image by one of my favorite artists (Michael Whelan) has always spoken to me.
Not in a suicidal way. I haven't had suicidal thoughts in years. In just the opposite way actually. A mental/spiritual leap of faith. Accepting that some things are beyond your control and just leaping off into the unknown. Its the taking that first step and having faith that you'll find your way safely down. But it's not the landing that matters, but the freefall itself. The winds that shear away the chaff that collects. The learning to navigate the stream. Of accepting that change and the unknown are terrifying, but exhilarating and necessary.
Part of depression is not wanting change. About the comfortable rut and inward spiral rather than looking for change and the outward spiral. Several times over the last few years I've gotten comfortable. I let myself think it was okay not be in the rut and all it did was get me pain, and loss and others hurt. But the times I've not let the inwards spiral happen, when I've made the leap and let the winds carry me I've learned new parts of myself. I've made new friends, or reconnected with old ones on a deeper level.
I feel like I'm in the middle of a leap right now really. It started months ago but the freefall is accelerating. But in good ways. I'm finding stronger parts of my personality that I was afraid to see and didn't think I had (that self-doubt that comes from depression).
In all this, don't take that I'm blaming depression for anything. I'm not using it as a crutch. This is really more just me trying to untangle myself from the "wrong" habits of thinking and have a record of it.
Not in a suicidal way. I haven't had suicidal thoughts in years. In just the opposite way actually. A mental/spiritual leap of faith. Accepting that some things are beyond your control and just leaping off into the unknown. Its the taking that first step and having faith that you'll find your way safely down. But it's not the landing that matters, but the freefall itself. The winds that shear away the chaff that collects. The learning to navigate the stream. Of accepting that change and the unknown are terrifying, but exhilarating and necessary.
Part of depression is not wanting change. About the comfortable rut and inward spiral rather than looking for change and the outward spiral. Several times over the last few years I've gotten comfortable. I let myself think it was okay not be in the rut and all it did was get me pain, and loss and others hurt. But the times I've not let the inwards spiral happen, when I've made the leap and let the winds carry me I've learned new parts of myself. I've made new friends, or reconnected with old ones on a deeper level.
I feel like I'm in the middle of a leap right now really. It started months ago but the freefall is accelerating. But in good ways. I'm finding stronger parts of my personality that I was afraid to see and didn't think I had (that self-doubt that comes from depression).
In all this, don't take that I'm blaming depression for anything. I'm not using it as a crutch. This is really more just me trying to untangle myself from the "wrong" habits of thinking and have a record of it.