i do not recommend over-eating home made doughnuts.
How do I leave this so long? Honestly!
My life has basically consisted of working with Noah, working at Waterstone's, watching telly, reading, dicking about on the 'Net, visiting my parents & wanting to kill bumming around with Nick. I don't want to kill him, of course, but I've been very stressed out due to money issues which I know aren't his fault, but it's really getting to me. There are times when I look into his eyes & I feel love so deep it's quite hard to put into words, I see this whole future panning out before us - & there are others when I just want to run away screaming & never look back. The other week I cried in front of him - actually cried; real tears, sobbing, snotty nose, everything - which is very unlike me. I don't cry, on my own or otherwise, unless something is terribly wrong. I guess things were really getting on top of me. They still are, to be honest, but what can I do about it? I'm working as much as I'm able to & I'm selling everything I don't really need. I don't want to run myself into the ground like I did when university was still on, I'd quite like some time to myself too, but it's tough. Really tough.
In fact, perhaps that's the problem. I'm hardly away from him at all. I seem to spend my entire life around Nick & whilst I love him very much, I am still a fairly solitary person who needs her own space. I should be going home this weekend but it's not really possible (although I am going to see Suzi on Friday after my hair appointment which will be awesome) so I'm going to go home next weekend as I'm going to the hospital with my dad anyway. It will be good to get away from him for a couple of days, as horrible as that sounds haha.
Apart from the usual, I started a new diet (it's not actually a diet, it's a whole lifestyle plan but it's easier to call it that) on the 24th May because I bought a book called Skinny Chicks Don't Eat Salads by Christine Avanti from work & it changed my perception of food, health, fitness - everything. It's seriously brilliant, I'd recommend it to anyone, not even if you want to lose weight, just as a real eye-opener towards food & fitness. I've cooked a healthy meal almost every single evening for a month or more, it's been good for me to do that. I was weighing myself every week but I haven't done it for the past two weeks because I thought I might be quite over, but I will on Monday (maybe). I think I've lost ~5lbs so far though & a fair few inches, although I'd lose more inches if I did more exercising! Kind of hard with Nick always around & no money - but anyway, I'm making excuses. I went to the hospital on 27th May with my dad as West Mids rebooked my appointment from September to then. I thought it was for blood tests before my Charing Cross appointment on 2nd July, but apparently it was for nothing, so I told the doctor she was a useless cunt (in not so many words) & stormed off back to the house, where dad gave me £100 because he knew I was in financial shit. What a guy, he's up to his eyeballs in debt & he still finds spare cash to give to me. I love that man.
Actually, Nick finally got a job interview the day after that fiasco at the hospital in London. I wanted him to make it the week after so we could both go (I couldn't go with him because I was having my hair done & going home that weekend), but they were quite keen to see him ASAP. I was really pleased, I thought it was going to be some high-earning, hotshot job but it turned out to be an absolute nightmare for him & for me. I don't remember what I did on the second May bank holiday, although I know I was at the house, but Nick had his second interview the Tuesday after it (1st June - Daniel's birthday), we went into Hounslow first so he could go to the bank & give me some money back from his dad, then he went off on his merry way. I had to pick Noah up from football club in Isleworth & it was weird not coming home to him. If I'm honest I didn't like it at all, but he got back at some ridiculous hour like 11pm & told me he got the job which was very exciting. I was pleased, although when he told me the particulars of the job ('face-to-face marketing' AKA sales) & the ridiculous hours he'd have to work I wasn't very happy. I mean, it's a reputable company & all, but it was entirely commission based & he'd have to wander around parts of London all day. He said he could progress to having his own business within a year, but it just seemed like a load of shit to me. Yes, it was a job, but it didn't seem worth the hassle & it wasn't in the end.
Anyway, I picked Noah up from football club on the Wednesday & on Thursday mum came over so we could go see Rod Stewart at the O2 Arena. I did some cleaning in the morning then she turned up & we headed out around 5:30pm. We tried to get food before the show but it was rammed, we should have eaten & then gone out - never mind! We managed to buy some snacks to eat beforehand then went in to enjoy the concert. My feet were killing me however because I decided it would be a really good idea to wear ridiculous shoes which I ended up taking off halfway through the night & walking about barefoot instead. Yes, in London, which either makes me very brave or very stupid. We were a bit drunk on red wine & met Laura White & Rikki Loney from X Factor & Stef from Over the Rainbow on the Tube (who loved my shoes!) & got back quite late, Nick was passed out on the bed. Bless. The next day Nick went off to work & I did the gardening with mum. It took fucking hours, but it looked a lot better by the time we'd cut the lawn (twice), done some weeding, cleared up the front garden & down the side of the house, & gotten rid of half of the bags of green rubbish. It was bloody hot though & we both looked a state when we wandered into Sainsburys in Kew to buy food to make for dinner!
The week beginning 7th June brought more of the same, although Nick injured his leg on Monday at work & didn't go in for two days so he could rest it. Mum came over on the Thursday to do the garden again, on her birthday no less, & we got much more done this time, although the weather was crap. We cut the lawn again, I did more weeding in the front, then we weeded the flowerbeds at the sides of the garden. The only thing left to do really is cut the hedges & I need to cut the grass again as it's been two weeks since its last cut - I've just been very lazy, heh. I might do it on Friday, I'll see what the time is when I got back from seeing Suzi & doing some food shopping. It also depends if the weather stays sunny too, cutting wet grass is not fun. The day after I was supposed to go see some people at Highdown School in Reading but called it off & went around Woking with Nick instead trying to flog the PS2, PSP & the necklace Daniel bought me for Xmas a few years back. We didn't manage it unfortunately, but mum told me she got me €50 for our trip to Bruges on Saturday (my first weekend off Waterstone's in about two months!) so I only had to get €50 of my own, which was nice. We got back to my parent's house & found mum had been baking yummy things for us all! We were all supposed to go to bed really early but Nick & I didn't end up sleeping until gone midnight because we were watching Dolores Claiborne & we had to get up at 4am - oy!
The day in Bruges was lovely, however. I slept a lot on the coach on the way there & a little on the way back. When I was walking around the town though I didn't feel tired at all. I think Nick's leg was really hurting him but he coped amazingly well considering we walked from the south to the north & back again, stopping off to take photos, eat & do generally silly English tourist things like buy chocolate & cheap fags, haha (& quote In Bruges incessantly). We didn't get back until 10pm or so & didn't go to bed until much later, so of course the next day we were all knackered but it was a lovely day. I know I said this last time but I am going to do a photo post with pictures from things like my birthday & Bruges & other things, I just haven't uploaded the most recent ones yet & I cannot be bothered at this moment in time!
Last week (beginning 14th June) there were more people in the house than usual, Vicky & Baker came back from holiday in Turkey & Maria was there collecting stuff for her holiday. The dog pissed us off thoroughly whilst we were looking after him, but that's his job I suppose. I looked after Noah Monday-Wednesday, then also briefly on Thursday too which gave me an extra £20. I was going to help out at an open day on Friday but I shied off it, instead deciding to post some things up on TSUK that have been sat in my room for ages & watching the God awful England vs Algeria match. We really sucked. I found out at Waterstone's that David's leaving soon because he got a job at the Guildford North St branch, so of course that means there's a position opening up at our branch (& it will probably go to full time soon seeing as Marcus will be leaving, & of course James is going too...) so I got Nick to apply for it today & told him to send an email to James begging for the job, but in a professional way of course. Man, we need the money, I really hope he gives him another chance - or alternatively forwards his details to the Walton upon Thames branch because there's a full time position there, apparently. So, fingers crossed. We basically decided today that he simply cannot do the 'marketing' job anymore because the demands it places upon him are impossible with his current fitness issues. He's not unfit, but his body is rebelling against him making it very difficult to do a job where he has to walk around outside for hours on end. I won't stand for it - I know it's money but it's not worth the shit he goes through & if it means being very, very poor for another few months then fine, but he cannot do that job anymore. I'm sure we both feel bad that they invested so much time & effort into him, but to be honest he's hardly been in for the past two weeks due to fitness & them dicking him about, so what's the point? He may as well look for something less strenuous & perhaps think about going back to uni next September (not this one coming, the one after that - although he could always go through clearing I suppose).
Nobody's in the house apart from Nick & I for at least two weeks as everyone's on holiday, which is nice I guess. The dog's not here which is something. Although the gas & electric bills have come through which is fantastic as I don't have the cash to pay for them & nobody else is around to do it. Ugh. I was supposed to do a million & one things this week seeing as I had Monday-Wednesday off, but instead I have done fuck all. Today was the most productive, I bought three of the modernist books I need for uni next year at a second hand bookshop in Horsell (I will be reading Jude the Obscure first as I just finished an amazing book called The Passage which will be out tomorrow is out today!), posted some parcels, put another post onto TSUK & baked some doughnuts! They taste a bit like sweet bagels with doughnut toppings but Nick seems to think they're pretty good, haha. I still need to clean the house, mow the lawn, clean my car & a load of other things, but tomorrow I'm picking Noah up from school then babysitting late because Carole's at some swanky literary do, & I'm finally going to tell her about being unable to be his nanny come September. Ugh. I'm supposed to be meeting some school-type people tomorrow at a place in Surrey but I don't think I'll do that, either. I might get some experience before the school year ends but I think I should pick it up again in September, it may be easier then & I may give more of a shit. Right now I just don't think my head is in the right place at all - that's something I need to go to the doctor about, but hey ho, I keep putting that off too. heh.
As a side note, I keep dreaming about people I don't want to recently, it's really annoying me. Total memory wiping à la Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is a little too extreme, but I wish there was some way of erasing people from your past without erasing the experience you gained from said moments. That would be amazingly handy I feel. Hmm. These doughnuts have made me feel very fat, I have not been eating them correctly - I should have had one with yoghurt or something. Bloooateddd.
Just out of curiosity, I decided to search for Daniel on Facebook the other day, knowing I wouldn't find him because I've blocked him. However, despite this, I did find his LinkedIn profile which states he's not working at Broadway Malyan anymore (I didn't think he'd stay there much longer, the place was killing him slowly), but instead he's working for Evolve Consultancy as a CAD consultant & writing for a website called EatYourCAD run by the boss of Evolve. I'm guessing the pay at his new place must be far better & the hours too. I freaked out a little when I saw that it said "Kingston upon Thames" as his business location, although when I looked on the website for the company it stated that their London office was at an N22 postcode. So, either they're lying & they do have an office in Kingston, or that's where he's living now, which isn't great as it's just down the road & I shop there fairly often. I knew he wanted to move to London after going home for awhile but I thought he had his eye on somewhere more central. Anyway - I just thought it was odd enough to mention. If I'm honest it gives me the creeps.
So much coming up in the next few weeks & summer seems to be disappearing fast - although to be honest there are still three months left. I successfully managed to avoid being too gutted about not going to Download or Isle of Wight, I just need to avoid Glastonbury now & Reading Festival & things should be fine! I've been enjoying the World Cup & Wimbledon, it's been a fun summer of sport so far. I think I'm going to Yorkshire in the last week of August with mum & I might also get to go to Somerset to see Nick's family if he can get the time off work (if he has a job by then...). So, yeah. Things to do. Think I might go eat that yoghurt now - night night, all. xx
PS: New iPhone 4 launches - well, now, I guess. I'm seriously considering getting one when my phone contract is due for renewal in September, but I may still go with a HTC phone. We'll see. (This is more of a note to myself than anything else, excuse the randomness).
My life has basically consisted of working with Noah, working at Waterstone's, watching telly, reading, dicking about on the 'Net, visiting my parents & wanting to kill bumming around with Nick. I don't want to kill him, of course, but I've been very stressed out due to money issues which I know aren't his fault, but it's really getting to me. There are times when I look into his eyes & I feel love so deep it's quite hard to put into words, I see this whole future panning out before us - & there are others when I just want to run away screaming & never look back. The other week I cried in front of him - actually cried; real tears, sobbing, snotty nose, everything - which is very unlike me. I don't cry, on my own or otherwise, unless something is terribly wrong. I guess things were really getting on top of me. They still are, to be honest, but what can I do about it? I'm working as much as I'm able to & I'm selling everything I don't really need. I don't want to run myself into the ground like I did when university was still on, I'd quite like some time to myself too, but it's tough. Really tough.
In fact, perhaps that's the problem. I'm hardly away from him at all. I seem to spend my entire life around Nick & whilst I love him very much, I am still a fairly solitary person who needs her own space. I should be going home this weekend but it's not really possible (although I am going to see Suzi on Friday after my hair appointment which will be awesome) so I'm going to go home next weekend as I'm going to the hospital with my dad anyway. It will be good to get away from him for a couple of days, as horrible as that sounds haha.
Apart from the usual, I started a new diet (it's not actually a diet, it's a whole lifestyle plan but it's easier to call it that) on the 24th May because I bought a book called Skinny Chicks Don't Eat Salads by Christine Avanti from work & it changed my perception of food, health, fitness - everything. It's seriously brilliant, I'd recommend it to anyone, not even if you want to lose weight, just as a real eye-opener towards food & fitness. I've cooked a healthy meal almost every single evening for a month or more, it's been good for me to do that. I was weighing myself every week but I haven't done it for the past two weeks because I thought I might be quite over, but I will on Monday (maybe). I think I've lost ~5lbs so far though & a fair few inches, although I'd lose more inches if I did more exercising! Kind of hard with Nick always around & no money - but anyway, I'm making excuses. I went to the hospital on 27th May with my dad as West Mids rebooked my appointment from September to then. I thought it was for blood tests before my Charing Cross appointment on 2nd July, but apparently it was for nothing, so I told the doctor she was a useless cunt (in not so many words) & stormed off back to the house, where dad gave me £100 because he knew I was in financial shit. What a guy, he's up to his eyeballs in debt & he still finds spare cash to give to me. I love that man.
Actually, Nick finally got a job interview the day after that fiasco at the hospital in London. I wanted him to make it the week after so we could both go (I couldn't go with him because I was having my hair done & going home that weekend), but they were quite keen to see him ASAP. I was really pleased, I thought it was going to be some high-earning, hotshot job but it turned out to be an absolute nightmare for him & for me. I don't remember what I did on the second May bank holiday, although I know I was at the house, but Nick had his second interview the Tuesday after it (1st June - Daniel's birthday), we went into Hounslow first so he could go to the bank & give me some money back from his dad, then he went off on his merry way. I had to pick Noah up from football club in Isleworth & it was weird not coming home to him. If I'm honest I didn't like it at all, but he got back at some ridiculous hour like 11pm & told me he got the job which was very exciting. I was pleased, although when he told me the particulars of the job ('face-to-face marketing' AKA sales) & the ridiculous hours he'd have to work I wasn't very happy. I mean, it's a reputable company & all, but it was entirely commission based & he'd have to wander around parts of London all day. He said he could progress to having his own business within a year, but it just seemed like a load of shit to me. Yes, it was a job, but it didn't seem worth the hassle & it wasn't in the end.
Anyway, I picked Noah up from football club on the Wednesday & on Thursday mum came over so we could go see Rod Stewart at the O2 Arena. I did some cleaning in the morning then she turned up & we headed out around 5:30pm. We tried to get food before the show but it was rammed, we should have eaten & then gone out - never mind! We managed to buy some snacks to eat beforehand then went in to enjoy the concert. My feet were killing me however because I decided it would be a really good idea to wear ridiculous shoes which I ended up taking off halfway through the night & walking about barefoot instead. Yes, in London, which either makes me very brave or very stupid. We were a bit drunk on red wine & met Laura White & Rikki Loney from X Factor & Stef from Over the Rainbow on the Tube (who loved my shoes!) & got back quite late, Nick was passed out on the bed. Bless. The next day Nick went off to work & I did the gardening with mum. It took fucking hours, but it looked a lot better by the time we'd cut the lawn (twice), done some weeding, cleared up the front garden & down the side of the house, & gotten rid of half of the bags of green rubbish. It was bloody hot though & we both looked a state when we wandered into Sainsburys in Kew to buy food to make for dinner!
The week beginning 7th June brought more of the same, although Nick injured his leg on Monday at work & didn't go in for two days so he could rest it. Mum came over on the Thursday to do the garden again, on her birthday no less, & we got much more done this time, although the weather was crap. We cut the lawn again, I did more weeding in the front, then we weeded the flowerbeds at the sides of the garden. The only thing left to do really is cut the hedges & I need to cut the grass again as it's been two weeks since its last cut - I've just been very lazy, heh. I might do it on Friday, I'll see what the time is when I got back from seeing Suzi & doing some food shopping. It also depends if the weather stays sunny too, cutting wet grass is not fun. The day after I was supposed to go see some people at Highdown School in Reading but called it off & went around Woking with Nick instead trying to flog the PS2, PSP & the necklace Daniel bought me for Xmas a few years back. We didn't manage it unfortunately, but mum told me she got me €50 for our trip to Bruges on Saturday (my first weekend off Waterstone's in about two months!) so I only had to get €50 of my own, which was nice. We got back to my parent's house & found mum had been baking yummy things for us all! We were all supposed to go to bed really early but Nick & I didn't end up sleeping until gone midnight because we were watching Dolores Claiborne & we had to get up at 4am - oy!
The day in Bruges was lovely, however. I slept a lot on the coach on the way there & a little on the way back. When I was walking around the town though I didn't feel tired at all. I think Nick's leg was really hurting him but he coped amazingly well considering we walked from the south to the north & back again, stopping off to take photos, eat & do generally silly English tourist things like buy chocolate & cheap fags, haha (& quote In Bruges incessantly). We didn't get back until 10pm or so & didn't go to bed until much later, so of course the next day we were all knackered but it was a lovely day. I know I said this last time but I am going to do a photo post with pictures from things like my birthday & Bruges & other things, I just haven't uploaded the most recent ones yet & I cannot be bothered at this moment in time!
Last week (beginning 14th June) there were more people in the house than usual, Vicky & Baker came back from holiday in Turkey & Maria was there collecting stuff for her holiday. The dog pissed us off thoroughly whilst we were looking after him, but that's his job I suppose. I looked after Noah Monday-Wednesday, then also briefly on Thursday too which gave me an extra £20. I was going to help out at an open day on Friday but I shied off it, instead deciding to post some things up on TSUK that have been sat in my room for ages & watching the God awful England vs Algeria match. We really sucked. I found out at Waterstone's that David's leaving soon because he got a job at the Guildford North St branch, so of course that means there's a position opening up at our branch (& it will probably go to full time soon seeing as Marcus will be leaving, & of course James is going too...) so I got Nick to apply for it today & told him to send an email to James begging for the job, but in a professional way of course. Man, we need the money, I really hope he gives him another chance - or alternatively forwards his details to the Walton upon Thames branch because there's a full time position there, apparently. So, fingers crossed. We basically decided today that he simply cannot do the 'marketing' job anymore because the demands it places upon him are impossible with his current fitness issues. He's not unfit, but his body is rebelling against him making it very difficult to do a job where he has to walk around outside for hours on end. I won't stand for it - I know it's money but it's not worth the shit he goes through & if it means being very, very poor for another few months then fine, but he cannot do that job anymore. I'm sure we both feel bad that they invested so much time & effort into him, but to be honest he's hardly been in for the past two weeks due to fitness & them dicking him about, so what's the point? He may as well look for something less strenuous & perhaps think about going back to uni next September (not this one coming, the one after that - although he could always go through clearing I suppose).
Nobody's in the house apart from Nick & I for at least two weeks as everyone's on holiday, which is nice I guess. The dog's not here which is something. Although the gas & electric bills have come through which is fantastic as I don't have the cash to pay for them & nobody else is around to do it. Ugh. I was supposed to do a million & one things this week seeing as I had Monday-Wednesday off, but instead I have done fuck all. Today was the most productive, I bought three of the modernist books I need for uni next year at a second hand bookshop in Horsell (I will be reading Jude the Obscure first as I just finished an amazing book called The Passage which will be out tomorrow is out today!), posted some parcels, put another post onto TSUK & baked some doughnuts! They taste a bit like sweet bagels with doughnut toppings but Nick seems to think they're pretty good, haha. I still need to clean the house, mow the lawn, clean my car & a load of other things, but tomorrow I'm picking Noah up from school then babysitting late because Carole's at some swanky literary do, & I'm finally going to tell her about being unable to be his nanny come September. Ugh. I'm supposed to be meeting some school-type people tomorrow at a place in Surrey but I don't think I'll do that, either. I might get some experience before the school year ends but I think I should pick it up again in September, it may be easier then & I may give more of a shit. Right now I just don't think my head is in the right place at all - that's something I need to go to the doctor about, but hey ho, I keep putting that off too. heh.
As a side note, I keep dreaming about people I don't want to recently, it's really annoying me. Total memory wiping à la Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is a little too extreme, but I wish there was some way of erasing people from your past without erasing the experience you gained from said moments. That would be amazingly handy I feel. Hmm. These doughnuts have made me feel very fat, I have not been eating them correctly - I should have had one with yoghurt or something. Bloooateddd.
Just out of curiosity, I decided to search for Daniel on Facebook the other day, knowing I wouldn't find him because I've blocked him. However, despite this, I did find his LinkedIn profile which states he's not working at Broadway Malyan anymore (I didn't think he'd stay there much longer, the place was killing him slowly), but instead he's working for Evolve Consultancy as a CAD consultant & writing for a website called EatYourCAD run by the boss of Evolve. I'm guessing the pay at his new place must be far better & the hours too. I freaked out a little when I saw that it said "Kingston upon Thames" as his business location, although when I looked on the website for the company it stated that their London office was at an N22 postcode. So, either they're lying & they do have an office in Kingston, or that's where he's living now, which isn't great as it's just down the road & I shop there fairly often. I knew he wanted to move to London after going home for awhile but I thought he had his eye on somewhere more central. Anyway - I just thought it was odd enough to mention. If I'm honest it gives me the creeps.
So much coming up in the next few weeks & summer seems to be disappearing fast - although to be honest there are still three months left. I successfully managed to avoid being too gutted about not going to Download or Isle of Wight, I just need to avoid Glastonbury now & Reading Festival & things should be fine! I've been enjoying the World Cup & Wimbledon, it's been a fun summer of sport so far. I think I'm going to Yorkshire in the last week of August with mum & I might also get to go to Somerset to see Nick's family if he can get the time off work (if he has a job by then...). So, yeah. Things to do. Think I might go eat that yoghurt now - night night, all. xx
PS: New iPhone 4 launches - well, now, I guess. I'm seriously considering getting one when my phone contract is due for renewal in September, but I may still go with a HTC phone. We'll see. (This is more of a note to myself than anything else, excuse the randomness).