Knowing Better
When I had my first son I wasn’t truly THAT young. Not young in years, nor in my mind either. However, I can see now that I was emotionally young. I felt a strong sense of shame in getting pregnant unintentionally and out of wedlock (even though I know MOST pregnancies are unintended). My own shame, led to fear of others judging me. If I thought I was too young, too poor, too ill-equipped to be a momma, surly everyone else must think I’m a bad mom too. I couldn’t bear the thought of adoption, this was my baby, I love him to pieces. So, I kept my baby and I did the best I could.
I struggled with breastfeeding, but with help, I managed to maintain a nursing relationship for two years, even with going back to work when he was one, and supplementing with formula for most of those two years we still made it! I read books. I relied heavily on my mother, and later my big brother. I made choices I knew others didn’t agree with, but most of the time I was okay with that because I was so sure I was right. For one thing, I did spank. When I was pregnant I swore I wouldn‘t, I was scared of using it out of anger, or more importantly other care givers doing it when angry. When I did spank it was always as a punishment, never from losing my temper, and eventually I stopped doing it. For me it wasn’t a matter of “knowing better” I knew early on spanking was not a good option. I just couldn’t figure out what WAS a good option. Strangely enough even though I only spanked for disobedience (saying NO more than once), it was never about respect. I had lacked so much discipline in my life, going weeks without showering or brushing my teeth. I didn’t want my boy to be lazy like me. Of course my issues had more to do with depression than laziness; but I still carried that guilt as well, over be told I was lazy I mean. If I told him to take a bath and he said no. I would give him one more chance, telling him, “yes, come on, let’s go,” if after that he threw a fit or tried to get out of it I spanked him. I know now I could have out-stubborned him without resorting to violence, I just didn’t know how to do it then. My spanking wasn’t done in anger, however, I DID lose my temper often, yelling like a crazy woman, and for that I have felt deep shame & guilt over this. One final big ticket item was that I was usually working a night shift at work even though that meant I was missing twice as much time from his life, when working and when sleeping; but it meant keeping him home with his grandma or uncle instead of in day care (as well as more money for doing a graveyard shift). Being was missing out and missing him like crazy, I worked graveyards because I thought it was best.
Other people may not have understood my logic, but I was always doing what I thought was best. Sure, I have done a lot of things “wrong” with my first boyo. Yet, I love him to pieces and have always done what I thought was best. He is an amazing human being already (always has been), so I can’t have too many regrets. The first time I heard the expression, “You do the best you can, and when you know better, you do better.” I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I could pray to God and ask forgiveness and then LET GO. Let go of the momma guilt. Let go of the shame. Let go, and move forward. It was so liberating!
I’ve been a much better mom over the past few years. I still make mistakes. I screw up plenty; but I do the best I can and my boyo knows I love him. I’ve moved forward from my past mistakes, but I still struggle with current momma guilt. My boyo has had the opportunity of a life time. He had the chance to move to a less dangerous city, to go to a better school, to have the chance to do what was best for him. Unfortunately for me that meant him moving away from me. Living with his grandma full time. It broke my heart. I ached to be near him. He’s thriving though. I have wanted so many times to demand he come home and live with me again, but I don’t. I put his needs ahead of my own. I am so tired of other people laying guilt on to me. Telling me I am STILL being a bad mom. Still “doing wrong by my boy”. He should be living with me, and/or I should have moved in with my mom to continue to care for him. I love him. I am trying to give him the best life I can. I am juggling all these balls in the air while I am treading water and still people judge me, AND my son. Well, no more. There is another phrase I love, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent”. I’m not giving my consent anymore!
Funny, this isn’t what I sat down to write. I was going to concentrate on that first phrase. “When you know better, you do better.” It seems like everyone online is eager to share information. Especially people who think the way I do. It’s been great finding like minded individuals through this modern miracle we call the internet. However, I believe in loving everyone and try not to pass judgment on anyone. Breastfeeding, co-sleeping, no-cry method, baby wearing, EC experimenting, stroller using, bottle feeding, disposable diaper wearing, we are all momma’s struggling to do our best. We all need support and love, not condemnation. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone! The only thing I DO feel necessary to inform and share is facts on circumcision. Not to make a parent that chose to do it feel bad; I have never THOUGHT that, much less said it. However, those babies that are not yet born need to be protected. There are lots of Doctors Opposed to Circumcision, in fact they have their own organization called just that. Unfortunately, it’s not all doctors,, or even most. Not yet anyways, there are many who still push it on parents. It is big business, and they flat out lie to new parents just to pad their pocketbooks.
I have been going off on another tangent again, haven’t I? Okay, I’ll step off my soapbox now. I have things to do, I should stop writing altogether, for now. I was wrestling with my momma guilt, despite all the prayers, and meditations and charts and thinking I have done, I was convinced I could “do better” regarding my current situation. I needed to vent and share and I don’t have a therapist yet. Thanks for being my therapy group. <3
I struggled with breastfeeding, but with help, I managed to maintain a nursing relationship for two years, even with going back to work when he was one, and supplementing with formula for most of those two years we still made it! I read books. I relied heavily on my mother, and later my big brother. I made choices I knew others didn’t agree with, but most of the time I was okay with that because I was so sure I was right. For one thing, I did spank. When I was pregnant I swore I wouldn‘t, I was scared of using it out of anger, or more importantly other care givers doing it when angry. When I did spank it was always as a punishment, never from losing my temper, and eventually I stopped doing it. For me it wasn’t a matter of “knowing better” I knew early on spanking was not a good option. I just couldn’t figure out what WAS a good option. Strangely enough even though I only spanked for disobedience (saying NO more than once), it was never about respect. I had lacked so much discipline in my life, going weeks without showering or brushing my teeth. I didn’t want my boy to be lazy like me. Of course my issues had more to do with depression than laziness; but I still carried that guilt as well, over be told I was lazy I mean. If I told him to take a bath and he said no. I would give him one more chance, telling him, “yes, come on, let’s go,” if after that he threw a fit or tried to get out of it I spanked him. I know now I could have out-stubborned him without resorting to violence, I just didn’t know how to do it then. My spanking wasn’t done in anger, however, I DID lose my temper often, yelling like a crazy woman, and for that I have felt deep shame & guilt over this. One final big ticket item was that I was usually working a night shift at work even though that meant I was missing twice as much time from his life, when working and when sleeping; but it meant keeping him home with his grandma or uncle instead of in day care (as well as more money for doing a graveyard shift). Being was missing out and missing him like crazy, I worked graveyards because I thought it was best.
Other people may not have understood my logic, but I was always doing what I thought was best. Sure, I have done a lot of things “wrong” with my first boyo. Yet, I love him to pieces and have always done what I thought was best. He is an amazing human being already (always has been), so I can’t have too many regrets. The first time I heard the expression, “You do the best you can, and when you know better, you do better.” I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I could pray to God and ask forgiveness and then LET GO. Let go of the momma guilt. Let go of the shame. Let go, and move forward. It was so liberating!
I’ve been a much better mom over the past few years. I still make mistakes. I screw up plenty; but I do the best I can and my boyo knows I love him. I’ve moved forward from my past mistakes, but I still struggle with current momma guilt. My boyo has had the opportunity of a life time. He had the chance to move to a less dangerous city, to go to a better school, to have the chance to do what was best for him. Unfortunately for me that meant him moving away from me. Living with his grandma full time. It broke my heart. I ached to be near him. He’s thriving though. I have wanted so many times to demand he come home and live with me again, but I don’t. I put his needs ahead of my own. I am so tired of other people laying guilt on to me. Telling me I am STILL being a bad mom. Still “doing wrong by my boy”. He should be living with me, and/or I should have moved in with my mom to continue to care for him. I love him. I am trying to give him the best life I can. I am juggling all these balls in the air while I am treading water and still people judge me, AND my son. Well, no more. There is another phrase I love, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent”. I’m not giving my consent anymore!
Funny, this isn’t what I sat down to write. I was going to concentrate on that first phrase. “When you know better, you do better.” It seems like everyone online is eager to share information. Especially people who think the way I do. It’s been great finding like minded individuals through this modern miracle we call the internet. However, I believe in loving everyone and try not to pass judgment on anyone. Breastfeeding, co-sleeping, no-cry method, baby wearing, EC experimenting, stroller using, bottle feeding, disposable diaper wearing, we are all momma’s struggling to do our best. We all need support and love, not condemnation. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone! The only thing I DO feel necessary to inform and share is facts on circumcision. Not to make a parent that chose to do it feel bad; I have never THOUGHT that, much less said it. However, those babies that are not yet born need to be protected. There are lots of Doctors Opposed to Circumcision, in fact they have their own organization called just that. Unfortunately, it’s not all doctors,, or even most. Not yet anyways, there are many who still push it on parents. It is big business, and they flat out lie to new parents just to pad their pocketbooks.
I have been going off on another tangent again, haven’t I? Okay, I’ll step off my soapbox now. I have things to do, I should stop writing altogether, for now. I was wrestling with my momma guilt, despite all the prayers, and meditations and charts and thinking I have done, I was convinced I could “do better” regarding my current situation. I needed to vent and share and I don’t have a therapist yet. Thanks for being my therapy group. <3