dont read. bitch rant.
wow. so tonite was all bad. i havent been having the best of times lately. and i really needed my friend to be there for me tonite...just to talk too. and like she even said i really only have her and jen (best friends and people i can always go too) and she apologized for not being there lately...which was sincere and understandable...and i thought tonite we could actually talk and like just rant like how we use too...old times. well tonite i didnt even see her. she went off with her friends. and i am not mad or hurt about that. but it just got me to start hella thinking about all the shit thats been fuckin in my head...
... i text jen saying i felt like crying and right away she was trying to make me feel better...i seriosly broke down. it seriosly sucks not having ur best friend with u. that one person u can tell anything too and she gets how u feel with out explaining it to her. knowing that jen isnt moving here til end of school year...well i feel the same way i felt last year...alone. seriosly last year changed everything. no matter whut anybody does i think last year will always have an everlasting effect. we went to lunch today (the old group minus some). and even tho no one said anything or did anything to make me feel like i wasnt...i still felt like i wasnt supose to be there...not a part of the group and i hate that. i miss being with all of them. together. and thinking about whut happen last year got me so depressed....
...and I never realized how heartbroken i am...every time i think about it...i fuckin just want to cry. he didnt hurt me as much as i hurt myself...because i knew the situation and i still allowed myself to have those feelings. but when i look back on it...it was all bullshit. And to kno that u cared about someone that much…and they didn’t care for u at all....well its hearbreaking. i knew whut was going to happen and everyone else did. but i didnt want to think about it. wishful thinking. and in the end i lost everything.
...although it hasnt been forever since i drank/smoke...but not having the urge to do it...well its fuckin weird. i think thats one of the reasons y i feel alone. every weekend would be the same. go out with friends. drink or smoke...mostly likely both. but i dont really like to go out and watch my friends drink and sit while i sit there and just think about shit. its so weird too. i love drinking. but like as of right now i am tired of it. tired of wut i do when i am drunk. whut i say when i am drunk...have the reputation being a drunk, loosing friends cuz i ignore them...all of it. so now on the weekends i stay home. i feel alone cuz i have tried to hang out with my friends but all they want to do is whut i dont...
...i hella feel like everyone is just fuckin moving on and doing there own thing. which is great. but here i am stuck. i dont feel like doing anything. everybody has their own seperate life and here i am with nothing. i really regret not fuckin applying to colleges and shit. get asked a million times a day where i am going to college is fuckin annoying. but the most annoying part is hearing about where everyone else is going. jealous. i want to go out and start new...
i am seriosly happy i am going away for washington. usually i hated leaving but i think it will be good for me. especially since there is nothing for me here. i mean the friends i want to see r doing their own shit or out of town! AHEM! (vy)...but being with my family will be fun.