(no subject)
It is a rare sight to see me update this puppy. I suppose it's because I work so hard to shut people out of how I really feel.
Lately it seems like a new day just brings new loss, or freshens up the reality of how many people I have lost or don't have in my life anymore. Why can't I keep my friends? It makes me feel so horrible inside, and it just eats me up. I let my stubborness get in the way. Although I absolutely hate it I can hold a grudge like no other. Why can't I just let things go? I wish it was easier to see the world from other points of view, but it is incredibly hard for me sometimes. I guess sometimes i think i know somebody so well that im prepared for their actions, but then out of the blue I'm shocked by how easily they can throw friends away? Doesn't it bother anybody else? Does society not value friendship anymore? I know i'm taking this to an extreme, but I simply don't understand why my life is going the way it is. I know that one of my problems is that I don't put enough effort into everything that I do, and like everyone else I do have some selfishness in me.
My real problem is that I can't stand to lose another friend. I hate seeing how i can go from such great friends with somebody then in a course of a year or less they want nothing to do with our friendship. It makes me afraid to make new friends, like why is it worth investing time into a relationship that ultimately wont matter.
I know it's a long ways away, but I went to visit Madison this weekend and it got me thinking about college and where everyone is going to end up. It makes me laugh a bit because we can barely keep in touch when we live in the same city/go to the same school, how in the hell is it going to work when we are all split up throughout the country. I wish it wasnt true, but i doubt any of us will keep in touch, everybody will go their separate ways and leave everyone else in the past. College is going to be really scary without friends to help you through, and it's not like I have a family to confide in. Spending a weekend with them was absolutely horrible.
I'm so afraid of not being good enough. I know i'm not, but the pressure is always there. I get so afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing that i choose not to do anything at all. I hate that so much. I need to stop being so uptight and worried about everything. There's just so many things that have gone wrong in my life and i always feel bad about dumping it all on one person. This entry turned out to be more depressing than soothing.
Well i hope you all had a good weekend.
Lately it seems like a new day just brings new loss, or freshens up the reality of how many people I have lost or don't have in my life anymore. Why can't I keep my friends? It makes me feel so horrible inside, and it just eats me up. I let my stubborness get in the way. Although I absolutely hate it I can hold a grudge like no other. Why can't I just let things go? I wish it was easier to see the world from other points of view, but it is incredibly hard for me sometimes. I guess sometimes i think i know somebody so well that im prepared for their actions, but then out of the blue I'm shocked by how easily they can throw friends away? Doesn't it bother anybody else? Does society not value friendship anymore? I know i'm taking this to an extreme, but I simply don't understand why my life is going the way it is. I know that one of my problems is that I don't put enough effort into everything that I do, and like everyone else I do have some selfishness in me.
My real problem is that I can't stand to lose another friend. I hate seeing how i can go from such great friends with somebody then in a course of a year or less they want nothing to do with our friendship. It makes me afraid to make new friends, like why is it worth investing time into a relationship that ultimately wont matter.
I know it's a long ways away, but I went to visit Madison this weekend and it got me thinking about college and where everyone is going to end up. It makes me laugh a bit because we can barely keep in touch when we live in the same city/go to the same school, how in the hell is it going to work when we are all split up throughout the country. I wish it wasnt true, but i doubt any of us will keep in touch, everybody will go their separate ways and leave everyone else in the past. College is going to be really scary without friends to help you through, and it's not like I have a family to confide in. Spending a weekend with them was absolutely horrible.
I'm so afraid of not being good enough. I know i'm not, but the pressure is always there. I get so afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing that i choose not to do anything at all. I hate that so much. I need to stop being so uptight and worried about everything. There's just so many things that have gone wrong in my life and i always feel bad about dumping it all on one person. This entry turned out to be more depressing than soothing.
Well i hope you all had a good weekend.