(no subject)
Sorry this is so long...
To be honest this last week was incredibly hard. It was like i was running through everything from last year all over again, right back on that soccer field, and the flashbacks never seemed to stop, i kept picturing myself in the waiting room at the hospital. Although it looks super dramatic on TV when the doctor comes and tells the family that the person has died that is exactly how it happens, only much worse, its most likely the most horrible thing i've ever been through. Although compared to last year this week was ten million times better, but im not even sure that is that good. I never talk about the loss of my dad, and maybe that leads people to believe that im just fine, and getting along well. If you think about it there's no way on earth that could possibly be true. Its hard to believe its been a year since my dad's death, and even harder to explain. Imagine the closest person to you in the entire world, the one that loves you the most and provides everything for you. Now take that person and you can't talk to them, see them, feel their touch, hug them, or laugh at their silly jokes for an entire year, and no good byes this is sudden and without notice. My dad has missed so much in my life now, soccer games, prom, school stuff, and this is only the beginning, so much is to come. To be just fine after all that has happened to me sounds crazy to even me, and to be honest again i know im not okay but that will come with time. If i were to show the world the real me it would be horrible, so the happy face gets put on. What has been bothering me, but i'll just have to get over it is that of my "friends" there were two people that remembered that its been a year. this hurt me so much, its like people forgot my birthday, but worse because it changed my life more than any birthday ever could.
My dad's family did all get together this weekend in memory of my dad. It was so great to see everyone. The only problem was why we were getting together, the concept of it drained the life out of me. Although i was a top competitor in the family kickball game i knew i wasnt all there. And yes my family has enough people to make two teams of about 15 people, and yes my 86 year old grandpa does join in. My dad's fam gets bigger by the second with new members springing up all over the place. They always provide some good laughs too. My grandma kept a scrapbook of all of her 14 children so it was good to see my dad's again. He had some pretty nice plaid pants back in the day. My brother and I look like him so much. Its weird to see his death records next to his birth records, he had a mowhawk when he was first born, im sure that was the craze back then for babies. One of my dad's childhood friends came to dinner with us one evening also. It was good to talk to her and hear stories about my dad. Its amazing to hear that he was the same person since he was 12 years old. He was always looking out for other people, but at the same time goofing around and making nick names for people. I miss him so much its ricidulous.
Please don't feel weird talking to me about it, you have no idea how much it helps me to know that people care whats happening to me even if its a little awkward to talk about. Otherwise i just keep it all in like i've been doing for forever. I know i've been weird lately, and i can tell that im going just a bit crazy. Thank you to those that made it through all of that, its what i would say to people if they ever asked and actually wanted to hear the truth.
Megan
To be honest this last week was incredibly hard. It was like i was running through everything from last year all over again, right back on that soccer field, and the flashbacks never seemed to stop, i kept picturing myself in the waiting room at the hospital. Although it looks super dramatic on TV when the doctor comes and tells the family that the person has died that is exactly how it happens, only much worse, its most likely the most horrible thing i've ever been through. Although compared to last year this week was ten million times better, but im not even sure that is that good. I never talk about the loss of my dad, and maybe that leads people to believe that im just fine, and getting along well. If you think about it there's no way on earth that could possibly be true. Its hard to believe its been a year since my dad's death, and even harder to explain. Imagine the closest person to you in the entire world, the one that loves you the most and provides everything for you. Now take that person and you can't talk to them, see them, feel their touch, hug them, or laugh at their silly jokes for an entire year, and no good byes this is sudden and without notice. My dad has missed so much in my life now, soccer games, prom, school stuff, and this is only the beginning, so much is to come. To be just fine after all that has happened to me sounds crazy to even me, and to be honest again i know im not okay but that will come with time. If i were to show the world the real me it would be horrible, so the happy face gets put on. What has been bothering me, but i'll just have to get over it is that of my "friends" there were two people that remembered that its been a year. this hurt me so much, its like people forgot my birthday, but worse because it changed my life more than any birthday ever could.
My dad's family did all get together this weekend in memory of my dad. It was so great to see everyone. The only problem was why we were getting together, the concept of it drained the life out of me. Although i was a top competitor in the family kickball game i knew i wasnt all there. And yes my family has enough people to make two teams of about 15 people, and yes my 86 year old grandpa does join in. My dad's fam gets bigger by the second with new members springing up all over the place. They always provide some good laughs too. My grandma kept a scrapbook of all of her 14 children so it was good to see my dad's again. He had some pretty nice plaid pants back in the day. My brother and I look like him so much. Its weird to see his death records next to his birth records, he had a mowhawk when he was first born, im sure that was the craze back then for babies. One of my dad's childhood friends came to dinner with us one evening also. It was good to talk to her and hear stories about my dad. Its amazing to hear that he was the same person since he was 12 years old. He was always looking out for other people, but at the same time goofing around and making nick names for people. I miss him so much its ricidulous.
Please don't feel weird talking to me about it, you have no idea how much it helps me to know that people care whats happening to me even if its a little awkward to talk about. Otherwise i just keep it all in like i've been doing for forever. I know i've been weird lately, and i can tell that im going just a bit crazy. Thank you to those that made it through all of that, its what i would say to people if they ever asked and actually wanted to hear the truth.
Megan