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I don't like fanfiction. Most of this dislike stems from the fact that you have to wade through hundreds of shitty stories in order to get to a story that doesn't make my eyes bleed. They are full of inane story telling that shows that they obviously don't care about the original work or they are unable to even comprehend the ideas the original author was trying to portray.
Don't even get me started on 'pairings'
Also, what the hell is up with 'Mary Sues' or...umm...'Gary Stus'(Is that right?). Granted, I rather enjoy the idea of placing yourself into a story with characters that you enjoy. But they main character probably will not fall in love with you! If you are going to place yourself within a story, at least make it believable.
I guess, all in all...fanfics are pretty high on the top of my list of things I hate. I know that there are people out there who can write legitematly good fan fiction, but they are so few are far between that they really aren't worth looking for. It's like wanting to know if latex paint will bond to stucco and doing an internet search for 'latex bondage,' eventually you're going to find what you want, but it just doesn't seem worth the trouble.
That being said, let me present my fan-fiction. :) It's a Final Fantasy VII fic(I know, I went lame and chose FFVII)
Please read it and tell me what you think, I am going to enter this into our Anime Banzai fanfic contest.
Meanwhile...
Sitting down on the couch, Bahamut looked at the wall clock and groaned. How long had it been since he had been summoned, a day? Two? With a resigned sigh he picked up the remote, turned on the TV and was greeted by static.
“Goddammit Ramuh, MOVE!” He bellowed at the elderly gentleman sitting in a chair near the television, electricity crackling as he moved. “How many times do I have to tell you? You aren’t allowed within 25 feet of the TV.”
“Sorry,” The old man mumbled. “It keeps me warm.”
Not quite expecting that answer, Bahamut wasn’t sure what to say.
“My kids used to visit me.” Ramuh continued. “But now they don’t even call.”
“Ramuh,” Bahamut said, trying to keep the annoyance out of his voice. “You don’t have any children, you never have. You’re a lightning god. Every time you even try to hug someone, you electrocute them.”
“It’s cold, and there are wolves after me.” The old man said, staring at the ceiling.
“Ramuh! There are no wolves. Go to your room, Matlock’s on.”
At this, Ramuh’s eyes lit up and he scampered into his room with a squeal.
Turning back to the TV, Bahamut started flipping through the channels before coming to rest on “American Idol”. Smiling, he put the remote down and lay back, putting his feet up on the coffee table ready to enjoy his show. “Ahh, Simon Cowell, your British wit never fails to bring light into my day.”
Just then, he heard a loud slap coming from the hallway. Looking over, he saw Shiva storm out of her bedroom, followed by Hades who was grinning as sheepishly as a skull can. “For the last time, Hades, I will not show them to you! Now stop asking.” Shiva was yelling. Knowing that he would never get to enjoy his show if he didn’t do something, Bahamut got up and went over to settle them down.
“What’s going on guys? Can’t you see I’m in the middle of something here?” He asked as he walked up.
“I’ll tell you what’s going on!” Shiva fumed. “This prick won’t stop hitting on me, even though he knows that I would sooner light myself on fire than I would let him touch me.”
“Hey, baby, that’s not fair. You misunderstand my intentions. I’m merely interested in the flesh that you are confined in.” Hades said, taking advantage of Shiva facing Bahamut to reach for her rear-end. “Being a skeleton, I don’t have my own flesh…supple, smooth, soft flesh…so soft.” Realizing that Hades was up to something, Shiva turned and smacked his hand away just in time.
“Do you see what I mean?” She yelled, moving around, putting Bahamut between her and Hades. “I have to put up with this all day, every day. And I am really getting tired of it!”
“If you’re tired, maybe you should come to bed.” Hades purred as he tried to move around Bahamut.
“That is IT!” Shiva screamed. She put her arms out and started murmuring. Recognizing the look in her eyes Bahamut dove for cover leaving Hades standing there confused for a split second until recognition crossed his face.
A few minutes later, Bahamut was helping Ifrit drag Hades’ frozen form to the bathroom.
“Now, remember. We don’t want to thaw him too fast, so maybe just set yourself to Medium-Low.” Bahamut grunted as he threw Hades into the tub. At Ifrit’s growling response Bahamut thanked him and went to find Shiva. As he approached she looked up at him guiltily. “I’m sorry.” She said “I didn’t mean to freeze him, he just makes me so angry.”
“I know, but we have a rule in this house. No spells. You broke that rule and now you have to suffer the consequences. I’ll be right back.” At this, Bahamut went into the kitchen and returned a few moments later with a glass jar labeled ‘Spell Jar’. He unscrewed the lid and held it out to Shiva. With a sigh, Shiva pulled out a dollar and put it into the jar. As he was screwing the lid back into place, Bahamut looked at her and said “You know, the majority of the money in this jar is yours. You really need to work on that temper of yours.”
“I know, but I am getting better. It’s been over a week since I’ve frozen Hades!”
“And while I do appreciate that, let’s try to make it two weeks without freezing him next time, ok?”
“If I have to.” Shiva said as she went back to her room.
“Finally, I can get back to my show.” Bahamut said happily as he went back to his couch. “Oh good, I haven’t missed much.”
While he was watching, he realized he was getting kind of hungry. So at the next commercial break he went into the kitchen to make himself a sandwich. On his way back out he stepped in something surprisingly warm, and uncomfortably squishy. Not wanting to look down and regretting it when he did he saw that he had, indeed, stepped in a fresh pile of horse crap.
“Dammit! Odin, get in here and explain to me why your stupid horse was in the house and not outside in the stables with the rest of the beasts.”
Odin, hearing this, came in from the stables. “VALHALLA!” he shouted.
“I don’t care if he is your best friend.” Bahamut replied “He’s still a stupid horse and doesn’t need to be inside.”
“VALHALLA!”
“It’s not a question of his intelligence, Odin. The last thing I want to do right before I eat is scrape horse feces off my foot.”
“VALHALLA!”
“Look, Phoenix gets on my nerves too and I understand that Sleipnir needs some time away from him but take him outside. I’m not going to make Titan build an entirely separate area just for your horse. Now, you either keep him out of the house, or I’m taking him to the Humane Society. Understand?” Bahamut said matter-of-factly.
“VALHALLA!” Odin replied, defeated.
“Good, now you take care of this mess while I go hose my foot off.”
Once he had sprayed his foot off, Bahamut went back to grab his sandwich and continue watching his show. Just as he sat down, Titan came in from the kitchen with a sandwich of his own, sat down next to Bahamut and started reading a textbook.
“What are you doing?” Bahamut asked. “If you are going to study, can’t you do it in your room?”
“No, the sound of the television helps me concentrate” Titan replied.
Bahamut stared at Titan saying “I’m not even going to try to figure that one out. What are you studying anyway?”
“Computer science. I hope to be a programmer so I’m taking night courses in HTML and ColdFusion down at the community college”
Bahamut opened his mouth to say something when he heard a distinct ‘BEEP-BEEP-BEEP.’ His heart jumped as he looked down at his pager, hoping it was his. When he realized it wasn’t he slumped back in his seat and angrily bit into his sandwich.
Titan, realizing that it was his beeper going off, looked up from his textbook saying, “Oh, dear me. It seems as though our friends need my help. I’ll be back in a jiffy.”
“Whatever, nerd.” Bahamut mumbled as Titan got up and headed for the door.
“I’m sorry, did you say something?” Titan cheerfully asked.
“Who, me? No, it must have been the TV.”
“Oh okay. Well then, I’m off.” Titan said as he squeezed his giant frame through the door.
Once Titan had left, Bahamut went back to the TV and continued with his show hoping that no more distractions would show up. Right as his favorite singer started her song; he heard laughter coming from the Knights’ room. Ignoring it, he turned up the volume on the TV. After a few more minutes there was a loud crash and more laughing. Furious, he got up, stormed down the hallway and threw open the door.
The Knights were all sitting around their round table with various sheets of paper lying in front of them next to strange multi-sided dice. Arthur was sitting with a half dozen books, behind a large card board standee depicting various monsters and scantily clad warriors brandishing their swords at them. They all turned towards Bahamut and tried to suppress their laughter, unsuccessfully.
“What the hell is going on in here?!” Bahamut yelled.
Lancelot was the first to regain his composure enough to talk. “We were playing D&D, and Tristan decided to try to act out his attack and ended up falling onto our Mt Dew pyramid.”
“Oh. My. God. I am surrounded my idiots.” He started to leave when Arthur stopped him.
“Why don’t you play with us? It’s been a while since we’ve seen you actually have any fun around here.”
“No thanks, I’ll have fun my own way and you guys do…whatever it is your doing.”
Arthur pouted “You’re way too uptight about everything. You need to just sit back and relax once in a while.”
“That’s what I’ve been trying to do for the past half hour!” Bahamut yelled. “But every time I get comfortable, something happens that I have to take care of.”
“Then pull up a seat with us and soon you’ll forget all about the worries of the real world and be lost in a realm of fantasy and magic!” Lancelot said, wiggling his fingers for effect.
Moments later, back on the couch, Bahamut was watching his show trying desperately to forget his roommates. After a few minutes the door opened and Titan walked in dripping wet.
“How’d it go?” Bahamut smirked as Titan slumped down onto the couch next to him splashing him in the face.
“I hate it when they use me for boss battles. It’s hard enough trying to lift that huge chunk of land with small enemies on it. But that spikey haired one wanted me to do it when it’s a giant, green, armored fish man thing, and that just makes it even harder, especially when we’re on the bottom of the ocean. What are they even doing on the bottom of the ocean? How does that not kill them?”
“Hey, at least you’re being summoned. I haven’t been since Monday.” Bahamut snapped.
“Oh, hey man. I’m sorry. I didn’t realize they hadn’t called you. If I had known…” Titan began but was interrupted by ‘BEEP-BEEP-BEEP’
Knowing it wasn’t his pager; Bahamut couldn’t help but look down only to confirm it wasn’t him they needed. Wondering who it was that was being summoned he tried not to think about it and enjoy what little of his show that he could.
“VALHALLA!” Came the cry from down the hall and that strange, unsettling rhythm of Sleipnir’s eight feet galloping. With a start, Bahamut realized that the sound was coming from inside the house just as Odin shot past him and burst through the door, shattering it in the process.
Bahamut just sat there and stared at the door, not even moving.
Titan tapped him on the shoulder. “Hey, you ok?”
“I’m gonna kill somebody.” Bahamut fumed as Titan quickly pulled his hand away.
“Don’t worry, I’ll fix the door and talk to Odin once he gets back. I’ve been meaning to build each of the beasts their own separate stable; I keep getting complaints about Phoenix’s attitude.”
“I swear, Titan, if that crazy Viking brings that horse inside the house again I’ll eat it and I’ll enjoy it.” Suddenly a thought occurred to him. “Wait, didn’t you say that they were fighting a boss?”
“You’re right.” Titan replied “Why would they summon Odin for a boss? He’s pretty useless against them.”
“So, I’ve been sitting here for two days without a single summon, and that freak with the big sword is fighting a boss and summons Odin?”
“Well, maybe he was going to summon you and his thumb slipped.” Titan said carefully, trying not to upset the dragon.
“What? His thumb? What are you talking about?”
“Umm, well you see…” Titan stammered.
“Forget about it, they’ll call me when they need me. Right now, my show is on, and if I don’t get to see the end of this then someone’s going to die.”
“Fair enough.” Titan said as he picked up his book and went back to studying.
A few minutes later came the cry. “VALHALLA!” Bahamut looked towards the destroyed front door to see Odin riding towards it. Odin, seeing the look in Bahamut’s eye quickly veered off towards the stables.
Bahamut watched the television waiting for something else to interrupt him. After about 10 minutes he calmed down and was able to enjoy Simon Cowell telling the guy who had just sung that he sounded worse than a ‘cow giving birth while on fire.’ It was finally calm and peaceful within the house and just in time for him to find out if his favorite singer would make it to the next round.
Ryan Seacrest was on the screen gathering the lowest scoring people of the recent vote. Bahamut gasped in shock when he noticed that his girl was one of the final two, it was either her or that ugly guy getting booted. Getting worried he leaned forward hoping that Ryan wouldn’t say her name. Just as he was about to announce it, they cut to commercial.
“Oh come on! There’s absolutely no reason to do that. Just tell me if she gets to stay or not!” He roared at the television. “I hate it when they do this.”
Sitting there waiting for the commercials to end, eager for the good news that his girl would continue on, Bahamut heard the shrill sound of Irony coming from his own waist.
‘BEEP-BEEP-BEEP.’
Don't even get me started on 'pairings'
Also, what the hell is up with 'Mary Sues' or...umm...'Gary Stus'(Is that right?). Granted, I rather enjoy the idea of placing yourself into a story with characters that you enjoy. But they main character probably will not fall in love with you! If you are going to place yourself within a story, at least make it believable.
I guess, all in all...fanfics are pretty high on the top of my list of things I hate. I know that there are people out there who can write legitematly good fan fiction, but they are so few are far between that they really aren't worth looking for. It's like wanting to know if latex paint will bond to stucco and doing an internet search for 'latex bondage,' eventually you're going to find what you want, but it just doesn't seem worth the trouble.
That being said, let me present my fan-fiction. :) It's a Final Fantasy VII fic(I know, I went lame and chose FFVII)
Please read it and tell me what you think, I am going to enter this into our Anime Banzai fanfic contest.
Meanwhile...
Sitting down on the couch, Bahamut looked at the wall clock and groaned. How long had it been since he had been summoned, a day? Two? With a resigned sigh he picked up the remote, turned on the TV and was greeted by static.
“Goddammit Ramuh, MOVE!” He bellowed at the elderly gentleman sitting in a chair near the television, electricity crackling as he moved. “How many times do I have to tell you? You aren’t allowed within 25 feet of the TV.”
“Sorry,” The old man mumbled. “It keeps me warm.”
Not quite expecting that answer, Bahamut wasn’t sure what to say.
“My kids used to visit me.” Ramuh continued. “But now they don’t even call.”
“Ramuh,” Bahamut said, trying to keep the annoyance out of his voice. “You don’t have any children, you never have. You’re a lightning god. Every time you even try to hug someone, you electrocute them.”
“It’s cold, and there are wolves after me.” The old man said, staring at the ceiling.
“Ramuh! There are no wolves. Go to your room, Matlock’s on.”
At this, Ramuh’s eyes lit up and he scampered into his room with a squeal.
Turning back to the TV, Bahamut started flipping through the channels before coming to rest on “American Idol”. Smiling, he put the remote down and lay back, putting his feet up on the coffee table ready to enjoy his show. “Ahh, Simon Cowell, your British wit never fails to bring light into my day.”
Just then, he heard a loud slap coming from the hallway. Looking over, he saw Shiva storm out of her bedroom, followed by Hades who was grinning as sheepishly as a skull can. “For the last time, Hades, I will not show them to you! Now stop asking.” Shiva was yelling. Knowing that he would never get to enjoy his show if he didn’t do something, Bahamut got up and went over to settle them down.
“What’s going on guys? Can’t you see I’m in the middle of something here?” He asked as he walked up.
“I’ll tell you what’s going on!” Shiva fumed. “This prick won’t stop hitting on me, even though he knows that I would sooner light myself on fire than I would let him touch me.”
“Hey, baby, that’s not fair. You misunderstand my intentions. I’m merely interested in the flesh that you are confined in.” Hades said, taking advantage of Shiva facing Bahamut to reach for her rear-end. “Being a skeleton, I don’t have my own flesh…supple, smooth, soft flesh…so soft.” Realizing that Hades was up to something, Shiva turned and smacked his hand away just in time.
“Do you see what I mean?” She yelled, moving around, putting Bahamut between her and Hades. “I have to put up with this all day, every day. And I am really getting tired of it!”
“If you’re tired, maybe you should come to bed.” Hades purred as he tried to move around Bahamut.
“That is IT!” Shiva screamed. She put her arms out and started murmuring. Recognizing the look in her eyes Bahamut dove for cover leaving Hades standing there confused for a split second until recognition crossed his face.
A few minutes later, Bahamut was helping Ifrit drag Hades’ frozen form to the bathroom.
“Now, remember. We don’t want to thaw him too fast, so maybe just set yourself to Medium-Low.” Bahamut grunted as he threw Hades into the tub. At Ifrit’s growling response Bahamut thanked him and went to find Shiva. As he approached she looked up at him guiltily. “I’m sorry.” She said “I didn’t mean to freeze him, he just makes me so angry.”
“I know, but we have a rule in this house. No spells. You broke that rule and now you have to suffer the consequences. I’ll be right back.” At this, Bahamut went into the kitchen and returned a few moments later with a glass jar labeled ‘Spell Jar’. He unscrewed the lid and held it out to Shiva. With a sigh, Shiva pulled out a dollar and put it into the jar. As he was screwing the lid back into place, Bahamut looked at her and said “You know, the majority of the money in this jar is yours. You really need to work on that temper of yours.”
“I know, but I am getting better. It’s been over a week since I’ve frozen Hades!”
“And while I do appreciate that, let’s try to make it two weeks without freezing him next time, ok?”
“If I have to.” Shiva said as she went back to her room.
“Finally, I can get back to my show.” Bahamut said happily as he went back to his couch. “Oh good, I haven’t missed much.”
While he was watching, he realized he was getting kind of hungry. So at the next commercial break he went into the kitchen to make himself a sandwich. On his way back out he stepped in something surprisingly warm, and uncomfortably squishy. Not wanting to look down and regretting it when he did he saw that he had, indeed, stepped in a fresh pile of horse crap.
“Dammit! Odin, get in here and explain to me why your stupid horse was in the house and not outside in the stables with the rest of the beasts.”
Odin, hearing this, came in from the stables. “VALHALLA!” he shouted.
“I don’t care if he is your best friend.” Bahamut replied “He’s still a stupid horse and doesn’t need to be inside.”
“VALHALLA!”
“It’s not a question of his intelligence, Odin. The last thing I want to do right before I eat is scrape horse feces off my foot.”
“VALHALLA!”
“Look, Phoenix gets on my nerves too and I understand that Sleipnir needs some time away from him but take him outside. I’m not going to make Titan build an entirely separate area just for your horse. Now, you either keep him out of the house, or I’m taking him to the Humane Society. Understand?” Bahamut said matter-of-factly.
“VALHALLA!” Odin replied, defeated.
“Good, now you take care of this mess while I go hose my foot off.”
Once he had sprayed his foot off, Bahamut went back to grab his sandwich and continue watching his show. Just as he sat down, Titan came in from the kitchen with a sandwich of his own, sat down next to Bahamut and started reading a textbook.
“What are you doing?” Bahamut asked. “If you are going to study, can’t you do it in your room?”
“No, the sound of the television helps me concentrate” Titan replied.
Bahamut stared at Titan saying “I’m not even going to try to figure that one out. What are you studying anyway?”
“Computer science. I hope to be a programmer so I’m taking night courses in HTML and ColdFusion down at the community college”
Bahamut opened his mouth to say something when he heard a distinct ‘BEEP-BEEP-BEEP.’ His heart jumped as he looked down at his pager, hoping it was his. When he realized it wasn’t he slumped back in his seat and angrily bit into his sandwich.
Titan, realizing that it was his beeper going off, looked up from his textbook saying, “Oh, dear me. It seems as though our friends need my help. I’ll be back in a jiffy.”
“Whatever, nerd.” Bahamut mumbled as Titan got up and headed for the door.
“I’m sorry, did you say something?” Titan cheerfully asked.
“Who, me? No, it must have been the TV.”
“Oh okay. Well then, I’m off.” Titan said as he squeezed his giant frame through the door.
Once Titan had left, Bahamut went back to the TV and continued with his show hoping that no more distractions would show up. Right as his favorite singer started her song; he heard laughter coming from the Knights’ room. Ignoring it, he turned up the volume on the TV. After a few more minutes there was a loud crash and more laughing. Furious, he got up, stormed down the hallway and threw open the door.
The Knights were all sitting around their round table with various sheets of paper lying in front of them next to strange multi-sided dice. Arthur was sitting with a half dozen books, behind a large card board standee depicting various monsters and scantily clad warriors brandishing their swords at them. They all turned towards Bahamut and tried to suppress their laughter, unsuccessfully.
“What the hell is going on in here?!” Bahamut yelled.
Lancelot was the first to regain his composure enough to talk. “We were playing D&D, and Tristan decided to try to act out his attack and ended up falling onto our Mt Dew pyramid.”
“Oh. My. God. I am surrounded my idiots.” He started to leave when Arthur stopped him.
“Why don’t you play with us? It’s been a while since we’ve seen you actually have any fun around here.”
“No thanks, I’ll have fun my own way and you guys do…whatever it is your doing.”
Arthur pouted “You’re way too uptight about everything. You need to just sit back and relax once in a while.”
“That’s what I’ve been trying to do for the past half hour!” Bahamut yelled. “But every time I get comfortable, something happens that I have to take care of.”
“Then pull up a seat with us and soon you’ll forget all about the worries of the real world and be lost in a realm of fantasy and magic!” Lancelot said, wiggling his fingers for effect.
Moments later, back on the couch, Bahamut was watching his show trying desperately to forget his roommates. After a few minutes the door opened and Titan walked in dripping wet.
“How’d it go?” Bahamut smirked as Titan slumped down onto the couch next to him splashing him in the face.
“I hate it when they use me for boss battles. It’s hard enough trying to lift that huge chunk of land with small enemies on it. But that spikey haired one wanted me to do it when it’s a giant, green, armored fish man thing, and that just makes it even harder, especially when we’re on the bottom of the ocean. What are they even doing on the bottom of the ocean? How does that not kill them?”
“Hey, at least you’re being summoned. I haven’t been since Monday.” Bahamut snapped.
“Oh, hey man. I’m sorry. I didn’t realize they hadn’t called you. If I had known…” Titan began but was interrupted by ‘BEEP-BEEP-BEEP’
Knowing it wasn’t his pager; Bahamut couldn’t help but look down only to confirm it wasn’t him they needed. Wondering who it was that was being summoned he tried not to think about it and enjoy what little of his show that he could.
“VALHALLA!” Came the cry from down the hall and that strange, unsettling rhythm of Sleipnir’s eight feet galloping. With a start, Bahamut realized that the sound was coming from inside the house just as Odin shot past him and burst through the door, shattering it in the process.
Bahamut just sat there and stared at the door, not even moving.
Titan tapped him on the shoulder. “Hey, you ok?”
“I’m gonna kill somebody.” Bahamut fumed as Titan quickly pulled his hand away.
“Don’t worry, I’ll fix the door and talk to Odin once he gets back. I’ve been meaning to build each of the beasts their own separate stable; I keep getting complaints about Phoenix’s attitude.”
“I swear, Titan, if that crazy Viking brings that horse inside the house again I’ll eat it and I’ll enjoy it.” Suddenly a thought occurred to him. “Wait, didn’t you say that they were fighting a boss?”
“You’re right.” Titan replied “Why would they summon Odin for a boss? He’s pretty useless against them.”
“So, I’ve been sitting here for two days without a single summon, and that freak with the big sword is fighting a boss and summons Odin?”
“Well, maybe he was going to summon you and his thumb slipped.” Titan said carefully, trying not to upset the dragon.
“What? His thumb? What are you talking about?”
“Umm, well you see…” Titan stammered.
“Forget about it, they’ll call me when they need me. Right now, my show is on, and if I don’t get to see the end of this then someone’s going to die.”
“Fair enough.” Titan said as he picked up his book and went back to studying.
A few minutes later came the cry. “VALHALLA!” Bahamut looked towards the destroyed front door to see Odin riding towards it. Odin, seeing the look in Bahamut’s eye quickly veered off towards the stables.
Bahamut watched the television waiting for something else to interrupt him. After about 10 minutes he calmed down and was able to enjoy Simon Cowell telling the guy who had just sung that he sounded worse than a ‘cow giving birth while on fire.’ It was finally calm and peaceful within the house and just in time for him to find out if his favorite singer would make it to the next round.
Ryan Seacrest was on the screen gathering the lowest scoring people of the recent vote. Bahamut gasped in shock when he noticed that his girl was one of the final two, it was either her or that ugly guy getting booted. Getting worried he leaned forward hoping that Ryan wouldn’t say her name. Just as he was about to announce it, they cut to commercial.
“Oh come on! There’s absolutely no reason to do that. Just tell me if she gets to stay or not!” He roared at the television. “I hate it when they do this.”
Sitting there waiting for the commercials to end, eager for the good news that his girl would continue on, Bahamut heard the shrill sound of Irony coming from his own waist.
‘BEEP-BEEP-BEEP.’