GOJIRA! RAAAWWWWKKKKK!
I wish I could say I was excited to see this, but let's be honest: monster movies are generally filled with suck (e.g. Pacific Rim). Still, it was a slow Thursday, I was bored, and I had a free pass to burn since the 3D was broken on Captain America and I had to watch it with one eye closed (Don't ask). Also, 73% of critics and 75% of audience members said it was good on RT.
Clearly both the critics and audience members alike are drooling idiots.
I'll give you the two positives: There was some genuinely gorgeous cinematography, particularly when Gojira was ducking in and out of clouds/smoke, and the throwback posters and stuff on the walls was nerdy fun. That's all you get though for good stuff.
Now, as far as plot, I can't remember the last time I saw a dumber U.S. military. I'm really not kidding. But then again, I'm not sure I've seen dumber super secret, presumably well-funded enough to attract top notch talent worldwide scientists before. Ken Watanabe, playing our token Japanese guy in a Japanese Monster Movie, rasps his way through some horseshit about Gojira being the King of Nature's Balance? Dafuk? Your organization - and you - have been studying these things for decades and you can't figure out if they're flammable? Allergic to Potassium? Susceptible to Hydrochloric Acid? Weak to Holy? Bueller? The sum total of decades of research is "radiation is like wasabi to these guys."
But, wait for it, you stash these things in the most radioactive places you can find: A power plant and Yucca Fuckin' Mountain?!
No wonder the military, led by Admiral BlowShitUp, won't listen.
Speaking of the military, let's talk about how the writers can't tell the difference between NATO and the US Navy because, hey, Token Black Guy shows up on behalf of NATO, but then we're off to the USS Saratoga (aka USS Mission Not Accomplished) and, wattayaknow, Token works for Admiral BlowShitUp. So, let's count the ways the military is even dumber than the scientists.
1. We're going to follow Gojira and Muto #1 across the entire Pacific Ocean, including shadowing for the couple hundred miles between Honolulu and San Fran, without devising a plan or, I don't know, OPENING FIRE? Calling for help? Anything?
2. Only when the monsters are an hour away from San Fran do we devise a plan: Radioactive KitKat bars to draw them offshore and then kill them. Because, even tho we nuked them in the 50s (it wasn't testing for Hiroshima, it was because we tried to kill Gojira) and it didn't work then, it'll work now because our bombs are bigger. Says Token and Admiral BlowShitUp. Despite the fact that the two scientists are protesting, weakly, that the critters FEED on radiation.
3. Did I mention they stored Mama Muto at Yucca Mountain, where the US deposits all of its radioactive waste materials? BRAIN TRUSTS.
4. Muto #1, aka Papa Mothra?, emits electromagnetic pulses. EMPs. You know, those things that fry all your electronics. Guess how many airplanes and their pilots dropped out of the sky to splatter against things, usually in a BBQ-inducing ball of flame as they CRASHED everywhere? Guess who never grounded any of their planes?
5. But, hey, the best way to get into SF once the Golden Gate Bridge is demolished is to fly a bunch of Gringo soldiers up to 30k feet and have them HALO drop in. Hey, it looks gorgeous and all, but couldn't you just as easily grab a couple speedboats and zip them across the Bay? In MUCH LESS TIME? When you're literally on the clock to save the entire population of SF (and maybe those pesky tech geeks down in the valley)?
5. As the Radioactive KitKat, conveniently snapped up by Mama Muto #1 to feed her nesting critters, has been reconfigured to analog only because of the EMP, is counting down and we have to get our Lt. Hurt Locker Hero (played by Aaron Taylor-Johnson looking less Nerdy Kickass and more like Chris O'Donnell's cousin with bone structure - watch out, there's a crappy Batman in your future, kid) into downtown SF where Gojira and the Mutos (band name alert) are thrashing the city. So basically, the plot of the movie is "Let's fix Fuckup #1: using a Radioactive KitKat because it's gonna blow up in Downtown SF in the next two hours by FuckUp #2: Halo in a bunch of Gringo Soldiers to find and disarm the analog Nuke Candy Bar" The whole Gojira v. Mutos is a sideshow to the incompetence of the military.
6. And, lest I forget, they decided to transport their Radioactive KitKats by train across canyons with convenient bridges to destroy instead of putting them in Semis and trucking them across the state to the Bay. Illogical plot devices FTMFW! Mama Muto was protesting the bad writing when she showed up to chow down on Nuclear KitKat #1 and take #2 to SF for her nesting MutoDuggers.
Let's not discuss how shitty the evac plan was for SF even though I know we have Homeland Security all over that after 9/11.
Let's not discuss how a predominantly minority military has one token black guy (in command) and a bunch of gringos in the actual ranks. And only one woman on the USS Mission Not Accomplished.
Let's not discuss how the U.S. has multiple types of weapons at its disposal, but apparently can only think to use two: Bullets and Nukes.
Let's not discuss what a goddamned trainwreck of cliches this was. For god's sake, they even ruined Bryan Cranston by giving him the raving quack who's smarter than the well-funded scientists role.
Sadly, the story missed out on opportunities to be good: there was some interesting father-son conflict between Lt. Hurt Locker and QuackDaddy after Mrs. Quack died in the nuclear plant implosion caused by Muto #1 in Japan (which led EngineerDaddy to become QuackDaddy); there were some interesting Sendai/Fukushima issues that could have been explored (if this was a more subtle movie); there were even some nuclear war ethical issues that could have been explored. Instead, we got this crap. But hey, Mindless Monster Movies Blowing Shit Up play well in the foreign markets because the subtitles are cheaper. More explosions = less lines of dialogue to pay for translation services, right?
Seriously, if you haven't gone yet and are still thinking, save your money. It's summer. There's plenty of things more worth your money than this stinking pile of Gojira dung.
Clearly both the critics and audience members alike are drooling idiots.
I'll give you the two positives: There was some genuinely gorgeous cinematography, particularly when Gojira was ducking in and out of clouds/smoke, and the throwback posters and stuff on the walls was nerdy fun. That's all you get though for good stuff.
Now, as far as plot, I can't remember the last time I saw a dumber U.S. military. I'm really not kidding. But then again, I'm not sure I've seen dumber super secret, presumably well-funded enough to attract top notch talent worldwide scientists before. Ken Watanabe, playing our token Japanese guy in a Japanese Monster Movie, rasps his way through some horseshit about Gojira being the King of Nature's Balance? Dafuk? Your organization - and you - have been studying these things for decades and you can't figure out if they're flammable? Allergic to Potassium? Susceptible to Hydrochloric Acid? Weak to Holy? Bueller? The sum total of decades of research is "radiation is like wasabi to these guys."
But, wait for it, you stash these things in the most radioactive places you can find: A power plant and Yucca Fuckin' Mountain?!
No wonder the military, led by Admiral BlowShitUp, won't listen.
Speaking of the military, let's talk about how the writers can't tell the difference between NATO and the US Navy because, hey, Token Black Guy shows up on behalf of NATO, but then we're off to the USS Saratoga (aka USS Mission Not Accomplished) and, wattayaknow, Token works for Admiral BlowShitUp. So, let's count the ways the military is even dumber than the scientists.
1. We're going to follow Gojira and Muto #1 across the entire Pacific Ocean, including shadowing for the couple hundred miles between Honolulu and San Fran, without devising a plan or, I don't know, OPENING FIRE? Calling for help? Anything?
2. Only when the monsters are an hour away from San Fran do we devise a plan: Radioactive KitKat bars to draw them offshore and then kill them. Because, even tho we nuked them in the 50s (it wasn't testing for Hiroshima, it was because we tried to kill Gojira) and it didn't work then, it'll work now because our bombs are bigger. Says Token and Admiral BlowShitUp. Despite the fact that the two scientists are protesting, weakly, that the critters FEED on radiation.
3. Did I mention they stored Mama Muto at Yucca Mountain, where the US deposits all of its radioactive waste materials? BRAIN TRUSTS.
4. Muto #1, aka Papa Mothra?, emits electromagnetic pulses. EMPs. You know, those things that fry all your electronics. Guess how many airplanes and their pilots dropped out of the sky to splatter against things, usually in a BBQ-inducing ball of flame as they CRASHED everywhere? Guess who never grounded any of their planes?
5. But, hey, the best way to get into SF once the Golden Gate Bridge is demolished is to fly a bunch of Gringo soldiers up to 30k feet and have them HALO drop in. Hey, it looks gorgeous and all, but couldn't you just as easily grab a couple speedboats and zip them across the Bay? In MUCH LESS TIME? When you're literally on the clock to save the entire population of SF (and maybe those pesky tech geeks down in the valley)?
5. As the Radioactive KitKat, conveniently snapped up by Mama Muto #1 to feed her nesting critters, has been reconfigured to analog only because of the EMP, is counting down and we have to get our Lt. Hurt Locker Hero (played by Aaron Taylor-Johnson looking less Nerdy Kickass and more like Chris O'Donnell's cousin with bone structure - watch out, there's a crappy Batman in your future, kid) into downtown SF where Gojira and the Mutos (band name alert) are thrashing the city. So basically, the plot of the movie is "Let's fix Fuckup #1: using a Radioactive KitKat because it's gonna blow up in Downtown SF in the next two hours by FuckUp #2: Halo in a bunch of Gringo Soldiers to find and disarm the analog Nuke Candy Bar" The whole Gojira v. Mutos is a sideshow to the incompetence of the military.
6. And, lest I forget, they decided to transport their Radioactive KitKats by train across canyons with convenient bridges to destroy instead of putting them in Semis and trucking them across the state to the Bay. Illogical plot devices FTMFW! Mama Muto was protesting the bad writing when she showed up to chow down on Nuclear KitKat #1 and take #2 to SF for her nesting MutoDuggers.
Let's not discuss how shitty the evac plan was for SF even though I know we have Homeland Security all over that after 9/11.
Let's not discuss how a predominantly minority military has one token black guy (in command) and a bunch of gringos in the actual ranks. And only one woman on the USS Mission Not Accomplished.
Let's not discuss how the U.S. has multiple types of weapons at its disposal, but apparently can only think to use two: Bullets and Nukes.
Let's not discuss what a goddamned trainwreck of cliches this was. For god's sake, they even ruined Bryan Cranston by giving him the raving quack who's smarter than the well-funded scientists role.
Sadly, the story missed out on opportunities to be good: there was some interesting father-son conflict between Lt. Hurt Locker and QuackDaddy after Mrs. Quack died in the nuclear plant implosion caused by Muto #1 in Japan (which led EngineerDaddy to become QuackDaddy); there were some interesting Sendai/Fukushima issues that could have been explored (if this was a more subtle movie); there were even some nuclear war ethical issues that could have been explored. Instead, we got this crap. But hey, Mindless Monster Movies Blowing Shit Up play well in the foreign markets because the subtitles are cheaper. More explosions = less lines of dialogue to pay for translation services, right?
Seriously, if you haven't gone yet and are still thinking, save your money. It's summer. There's plenty of things more worth your money than this stinking pile of Gojira dung.