at home on a saturday night
here is what I wrote last night:
Im painted blue by the events of today
I hope tomorrow is better
Than all the noise that Im not part of
The stories told later about the night.
The beep of the microwave timer reminds me
That the apartment is empty and there is no sound
Of laughter from friends
New people to discover
Old voices heard chatting in the room next door.
In case you are wondering, it’s the weekend, its true
Classes are finished, I have nothing to do,
But sit here alone.
Im painted blue.
Yesterday afternoon got me in a funk. a pretty deep one where you ponder everything you are, and who you have in your life. those of you who saw me in choir, that is where it started. Later in the night when kev and his sister came up, I was feeling much better. I am so happy that I am not constantly going on that emotional rollercoaster anymore. I used to get upset about things I knew would probably be fixed eventually. I used to break down and take things way too seriously. I did that yesterday, and yes, it might not have been that big of a deal, moving down a voice part, but to me, right now, it is.
Today has been a much better today because Carolyn seemed just as upset as I was, and her words and action mean so much to me. Its strange really knowing your voice. I used to be so confused about my instrument, and would only know about it through what teachers told me. Lately, i have really been able to grasp how my instrument works, how far I have come, and sometimes I can even hear what it might sound like in a year. So when other people dont think that I know what is best for my voice professionally, I do. Its like if you were a track star, and someone told you that you should wear shoes that are too-tight, just because that is what they have in the store, you wouldnt do it. Not if it was going to jeapordize your career, even slightly. Okay, that was a really bad analogy, i apologize.
Okay, enough of music stuff. Here is the other thing I realized today. I am actually finally in a place where I can see past the hurt and can finally see what my relationship last year was worth. It was worth a lot. My life has changed so much since one year ago. One year ago, I had moved from Arizona, thousands of miles away, and started over here. One year ago, I was hanging onto a love that I had left when i flew away, afraid to let go. Now I have let go and I cant believe how much that has changed me. I talked to him today about "us" for the first time in months. When I used to talk to him he seemed so cold and distant, like he didn't want to remember that he loved me. Today he told me that I still matter so much to him, even though I am far away. Until now I had pushed away the fact that he still means a lot to me to. Not romantically, but in the way that he helped me last year, and continues to support my life. We are now in a place where we both can appreciate what happened, and continue to support each other as friends. Our relationship helped me in many more ways than it hurt me. I believe it has made the relationship I am in now 100% stronger. Okay, i think the one diet coke I have had in weeks is dying off. Time to either rest or keep trucking on the homework. Sweet dreams everyone. Oh,and by the way, if you have read all of this until now, thank you for caring about my feelings and my life. I am truly blessed.
Im painted blue by the events of today
I hope tomorrow is better
Than all the noise that Im not part of
The stories told later about the night.
The beep of the microwave timer reminds me
That the apartment is empty and there is no sound
Of laughter from friends
New people to discover
Old voices heard chatting in the room next door.
In case you are wondering, it’s the weekend, its true
Classes are finished, I have nothing to do,
But sit here alone.
Im painted blue.
Yesterday afternoon got me in a funk. a pretty deep one where you ponder everything you are, and who you have in your life. those of you who saw me in choir, that is where it started. Later in the night when kev and his sister came up, I was feeling much better. I am so happy that I am not constantly going on that emotional rollercoaster anymore. I used to get upset about things I knew would probably be fixed eventually. I used to break down and take things way too seriously. I did that yesterday, and yes, it might not have been that big of a deal, moving down a voice part, but to me, right now, it is.
Today has been a much better today because Carolyn seemed just as upset as I was, and her words and action mean so much to me. Its strange really knowing your voice. I used to be so confused about my instrument, and would only know about it through what teachers told me. Lately, i have really been able to grasp how my instrument works, how far I have come, and sometimes I can even hear what it might sound like in a year. So when other people dont think that I know what is best for my voice professionally, I do. Its like if you were a track star, and someone told you that you should wear shoes that are too-tight, just because that is what they have in the store, you wouldnt do it. Not if it was going to jeapordize your career, even slightly. Okay, that was a really bad analogy, i apologize.
Okay, enough of music stuff. Here is the other thing I realized today. I am actually finally in a place where I can see past the hurt and can finally see what my relationship last year was worth. It was worth a lot. My life has changed so much since one year ago. One year ago, I had moved from Arizona, thousands of miles away, and started over here. One year ago, I was hanging onto a love that I had left when i flew away, afraid to let go. Now I have let go and I cant believe how much that has changed me. I talked to him today about "us" for the first time in months. When I used to talk to him he seemed so cold and distant, like he didn't want to remember that he loved me. Today he told me that I still matter so much to him, even though I am far away. Until now I had pushed away the fact that he still means a lot to me to. Not romantically, but in the way that he helped me last year, and continues to support my life. We are now in a place where we both can appreciate what happened, and continue to support each other as friends. Our relationship helped me in many more ways than it hurt me. I believe it has made the relationship I am in now 100% stronger. Okay, i think the one diet coke I have had in weeks is dying off. Time to either rest or keep trucking on the homework. Sweet dreams everyone. Oh,and by the way, if you have read all of this until now, thank you for caring about my feelings and my life. I am truly blessed.