(no subject)
So I haven't updated this thing with anything of substance in such a long time. I am going to try and make sense of the crazy things goin thru my mind right now. its radical, its ridiculous, its amazing.
I have spent most of this break in a giant funk. I don't think I have been in quite this bad of a emotional or spiritual funk in a very long time. I am so glad to be out of it. I realized recently how ridiculous I am. I have been in this funk and almost reveled in it. I sat in my room or at my house by myself doing nothing, talking to no one, watching tv or movies or listening to music. I was a hermit. I stopped going to things I enjoyed, I pretty much cut myself off from the world. I felt this whole time so far from God. I felt so detached and as though the gap would never grow any smaller. I ran farther and farther. Then I realized something. I realized why run from the only one who can ever comfort me, the only one who can ease my suffering? Why run from the only one who can give peace? I realized how STUPID I had been. I felt so ashamed of the state of my life and almost angry at God for everything that was happening to me. These things that should have drawn me closer to him and have developed growth and strength and trust, developed resentment, anger and stagnation. A personal choice. A dumb, self-righteous choice to think I could do this without him. I am so ignorant sometimes, so foolish. I don't think I cracked my bible open outside of a biblestudy once until a week ago. SO FOOLISH!
The thing that really snapped me out of it was how God kept bringing up this one verse, Isaiah 44:21-22. He cries out for me to return to him but I continued to run so far from him. After the 4th time I heard that verse in the span of something like 12 hours I decided I needed to crack open my bible and pour my heart out to my God.
I prayed for a really long time and by the end I had come to the decision that I was suppose to study James. James is such a short book, I overlook it so many times. James is SO powerful. I haven't even finished reading the second chapter. God has been revealing more and more to me, it is dense. I feel revived, my spirit feels alive again and I love it.
My joy has returned.
James 1, lead to 5 pages back and front of journalling. I read it through once and I realized that simply reading it would not be sufficient, especially not after this long period of self-inflicted stagnation. Each verse came alive and God showed me so much. I am so thankful for it.
In my study of James 1, God also brought me back to a lesson we did at breakaway back at the very begining of November. It was on the proverbs 31 woman and the Godly women we want to become. I realized I hadn't even glanced back at that list of characteristics I apsire to since I wrote it. So I went back and read that list, and it was amazing to me how many things on that list where things talked about in James. God brought up my need to really reflect on my heart and motives in things. This past week I think I have changed a great deal and I think and pray that God will continue to do this work of refinement in me, I need it so badly, I yearn for his purifying fire. Change and growth are rarely easy, but I honestly couldn't care less, I never signed on for easy, since when did I want life to be easy? I love stepping up to a challenge. The more difficult the task the more I realize how little I can do and how MUCH God can and does do. My pride needs to be slain.
I am so completely ready to be back at school. I have been renewed. I finished the semester so weary, prolly the most I have ever in my life been. But I will return more refreshed and alive then I ever have been. I want so desperately to be apart of the adventure that is following and serving my savior. Back almost 2 years ago when I decided that I was all in,I meant it no matter the cost and today more than ever before.
okie dokie now that probably everyone has stopped reading...i am going to end this entry there is WAY to much goin on in my head to contain it in a lj entry...
I have spent most of this break in a giant funk. I don't think I have been in quite this bad of a emotional or spiritual funk in a very long time. I am so glad to be out of it. I realized recently how ridiculous I am. I have been in this funk and almost reveled in it. I sat in my room or at my house by myself doing nothing, talking to no one, watching tv or movies or listening to music. I was a hermit. I stopped going to things I enjoyed, I pretty much cut myself off from the world. I felt this whole time so far from God. I felt so detached and as though the gap would never grow any smaller. I ran farther and farther. Then I realized something. I realized why run from the only one who can ever comfort me, the only one who can ease my suffering? Why run from the only one who can give peace? I realized how STUPID I had been. I felt so ashamed of the state of my life and almost angry at God for everything that was happening to me. These things that should have drawn me closer to him and have developed growth and strength and trust, developed resentment, anger and stagnation. A personal choice. A dumb, self-righteous choice to think I could do this without him. I am so ignorant sometimes, so foolish. I don't think I cracked my bible open outside of a biblestudy once until a week ago. SO FOOLISH!
The thing that really snapped me out of it was how God kept bringing up this one verse, Isaiah 44:21-22. He cries out for me to return to him but I continued to run so far from him. After the 4th time I heard that verse in the span of something like 12 hours I decided I needed to crack open my bible and pour my heart out to my God.
I prayed for a really long time and by the end I had come to the decision that I was suppose to study James. James is such a short book, I overlook it so many times. James is SO powerful. I haven't even finished reading the second chapter. God has been revealing more and more to me, it is dense. I feel revived, my spirit feels alive again and I love it.
My joy has returned.
James 1, lead to 5 pages back and front of journalling. I read it through once and I realized that simply reading it would not be sufficient, especially not after this long period of self-inflicted stagnation. Each verse came alive and God showed me so much. I am so thankful for it.
In my study of James 1, God also brought me back to a lesson we did at breakaway back at the very begining of November. It was on the proverbs 31 woman and the Godly women we want to become. I realized I hadn't even glanced back at that list of characteristics I apsire to since I wrote it. So I went back and read that list, and it was amazing to me how many things on that list where things talked about in James. God brought up my need to really reflect on my heart and motives in things. This past week I think I have changed a great deal and I think and pray that God will continue to do this work of refinement in me, I need it so badly, I yearn for his purifying fire. Change and growth are rarely easy, but I honestly couldn't care less, I never signed on for easy, since when did I want life to be easy? I love stepping up to a challenge. The more difficult the task the more I realize how little I can do and how MUCH God can and does do. My pride needs to be slain.
I am so completely ready to be back at school. I have been renewed. I finished the semester so weary, prolly the most I have ever in my life been. But I will return more refreshed and alive then I ever have been. I want so desperately to be apart of the adventure that is following and serving my savior. Back almost 2 years ago when I decided that I was all in,I meant it no matter the cost and today more than ever before.
okie dokie now that probably everyone has stopped reading...i am going to end this entry there is WAY to much goin on in my head to contain it in a lj entry...