some stuff about the past that got erased came back.
you know what I like about me? I can chose to forget stuff and won'T remeber it till stuff happens or some say something that reminde me it.
so, basically, I was on the net.. and was reading the journal of some people I watch on Sheezyart (art website) and she wastalkin about her mother picking a fight with her step dad, and it being very violent and all..
so it sadly reminded me of my past.. I probably woul never talk about it before.. it's not something Im prod of.. I'd more would o wished it to be gone of my mind forever.
I bet one thing you knw : I hate my mother.. you prbably even herd me saying she's a pain in the ass.. or even she's a bitch..
but the reasn why I keep quiet when the neigbours start yelling, and even fall asleep on it withou barely problems.. it'S that I've been trought that for so long in my life.
People yelling.. breaking of glass.. being woke up in the middle of the night to do a car ride by your mother.. beig forced to eat your meal in your room instead of a happy familly dinner, never be able to finish your meal because of a sdden mad rush out of the house... known it all... normally I keep the good souvenir.. I locked up those.. because I always wanted to have anormal famillly, go to school, smile, talk about teh last episode of sailor moon thatwas on tv last night..
It'severything I've longed for all my life, a normal familly, a soli one, one you can sit on a sof and talk openly with your parents. Never actually done that in my life. but how I wuld have loved it sometimes.
being splied in two scince my first year on this heart.. one week with my mother arguin with my stepdads (how many did I have in my life.. 8?.. 9? ) or with my never-home-overworked father.
Mother always been like that.. fist months/years ar perfect.. then things desintegrates drasticly and it hits you so fast you don't even notice. Lucky she found a patien and attention givin guy.. let's hope it won't end up like the last one.
and I can't blame father, being responsible for 2 kids and having to pay school/food/clothing/pension to my mother/car and the appart all by himself.. he ended up hanging in the bars and frequenting bad people..
the ones the he hangs out with before I was born and stl does ae bad.. drug-addicted and drunk people, some of them are also violent.. so I've seen it, a simple joke going down to bloood spilling..
No wonder I crave for tht warm loyal and happy love, I don'T want to go trought that... When people say past.. all I see is grey. it' like my pasthas a halo of rain . I simply fid is depecable.. even wanna spit on it, but evry time I try to move even more furter therE's alwayts something bringin it back to teh surface..
lif is full of coincidence heh? Took me a long time to realize why the neigbors yelling sonded familiar.. an why hn it happend I just stare blankly and step into my mind, my closed world.
My very definition of myself : miss bubble.
16 years of darkness shall be filled with the living trough passion. Cuz I will fight it oe day.. I will face my fear.. Maybe one I will face my mother and spit all my pain in her face.
Because after all, I was the child who was unwanted by her mother, and tat is why my father took the full charge of me after all. I don'T want to mak her suffer, I don'T totally hate her.. I think it'S more pain of the past, and all the bad things she said to me while being full concious of them, and the fact sh never whwed a bit of interest.. I thnk it'S ore revenge to make her see.. just realize.. the big step she missed.
well.. I guess thaT's pretty much it.. got some home work to do, I wanna hug some fluffy plushies because the onlyone that could really cheer me up right now is unreachable. and erm.. I guess people arjust too busy to pay some atttention these days anyway ^^;..
so, hae a great day at school, and hug someone for me ^_^
for this I'll tell you.. oyasuminasai~
so, basically, I was on the net.. and was reading the journal of some people I watch on Sheezyart (art website) and she wastalkin about her mother picking a fight with her step dad, and it being very violent and all..
so it sadly reminded me of my past.. I probably woul never talk about it before.. it's not something Im prod of.. I'd more would o wished it to be gone of my mind forever.
I bet one thing you knw : I hate my mother.. you prbably even herd me saying she's a pain in the ass.. or even she's a bitch..
but the reasn why I keep quiet when the neigbours start yelling, and even fall asleep on it withou barely problems.. it'S that I've been trought that for so long in my life.
People yelling.. breaking of glass.. being woke up in the middle of the night to do a car ride by your mother.. beig forced to eat your meal in your room instead of a happy familly dinner, never be able to finish your meal because of a sdden mad rush out of the house... known it all... normally I keep the good souvenir.. I locked up those.. because I always wanted to have anormal famillly, go to school, smile, talk about teh last episode of sailor moon thatwas on tv last night..
It'severything I've longed for all my life, a normal familly, a soli one, one you can sit on a sof and talk openly with your parents. Never actually done that in my life. but how I wuld have loved it sometimes.
being splied in two scince my first year on this heart.. one week with my mother arguin with my stepdads (how many did I have in my life.. 8?.. 9? ) or with my never-home-overworked father.
Mother always been like that.. fist months/years ar perfect.. then things desintegrates drasticly and it hits you so fast you don't even notice. Lucky she found a patien and attention givin guy.. let's hope it won't end up like the last one.
and I can't blame father, being responsible for 2 kids and having to pay school/food/clothing/pension to my mother/car and the appart all by himself.. he ended up hanging in the bars and frequenting bad people..
the ones the he hangs out with before I was born and stl does ae bad.. drug-addicted and drunk people, some of them are also violent.. so I've seen it, a simple joke going down to bloood spilling..
No wonder I crave for tht warm loyal and happy love, I don'T want to go trought that... When people say past.. all I see is grey. it' like my pasthas a halo of rain . I simply fid is depecable.. even wanna spit on it, but evry time I try to move even more furter therE's alwayts something bringin it back to teh surface..
lif is full of coincidence heh? Took me a long time to realize why the neigbors yelling sonded familiar.. an why hn it happend I just stare blankly and step into my mind, my closed world.
My very definition of myself : miss bubble.
16 years of darkness shall be filled with the living trough passion. Cuz I will fight it oe day.. I will face my fear.. Maybe one I will face my mother and spit all my pain in her face.
Because after all, I was the child who was unwanted by her mother, and tat is why my father took the full charge of me after all. I don'T want to mak her suffer, I don'T totally hate her.. I think it'S more pain of the past, and all the bad things she said to me while being full concious of them, and the fact sh never whwed a bit of interest.. I thnk it'S ore revenge to make her see.. just realize.. the big step she missed.
well.. I guess thaT's pretty much it.. got some home work to do, I wanna hug some fluffy plushies because the onlyone that could really cheer me up right now is unreachable. and erm.. I guess people arjust too busy to pay some atttention these days anyway ^^;..
so, hae a great day at school, and hug someone for me ^_^
for this I'll tell you.. oyasuminasai~