Day 12: "Dying Declaration" (Mother Goose, Humpty Dumpty, PG13)
Title: Dying Declaration*
Fandom: Mother Goose
Characters: Humpty Dumpty, OCs
Rating: PG13
Words: 1000
A.N: This is utterly and completely lauriegilbert's fault. I ws trying to work out what childhood icon to cause to do Wrong Things tonight, and she gave me this. Course, she said about eight words, and here I have this thing, so…eh, it's still her fault anyway.
Dying Declaration*
Case number 10165-B-403
State vs Weldon Partridge in the matter of suspicious death of H. Dumpty, 12 Carton Lane.
Recorded and transcribed by R. U. Ellwright, MSW.
Original recording attached.
RE: You told the responding officer your accident was the fault of a Weldon Partridge?
Interviewee: Yeah, yeah I did.
RE: Your full name, sir, for the record?
Interviewee: Humpty Dumpty.
RE: And you know where we are?
HD: St. Margaret's. Intensive care, I think.
RE: Good. Now. I'm going to take your statement. You know to tell me the truth?
HD: Yeah.
RE: All right. In your own words, describe the events of the evening.
HD: It's all Partridge's fault. My fall, I mean.
RE: Stick to the facts, please.
HD: I'm feeling a little …scrambled, I suppose. Knock right on the narrow end, you know. Sorry. Right. Facts. All right. Six months ago, Partridge showed up at my door. Pissed off.
RE: Do you remember the date?
HD: Not specifically. Late autumn, though. Trees were bare.
RE: And why was he there?
HD: He thought I'd been up to something with his wife.
RE: Was he right?
HD: It matter?
RE: Just to be thorough.
HD: Fine. Yeah, he had cause to think I was looking. I'd never have touched her, or at least, not without her willing. But… just, go have a gander. Anyone would look.
RE: All right. What did he say?
HD: Said to stay away from his wife. Said if he caught me looking again, he'd poach my ass.
RE: And how did you respond?
HD: Things got a little tense, I admit, but for God's sake. I wasn't… I was just watching her, out in the garden. I told him to get the fuck out my house.
RE: And did he go?
HD: Yeah, yeah. Whoa. Sorry. Light-headed. Too much fluid loss, they said.
RE: I heard. Go on.
HD: So then, next morning, I got up, and that rotten… he was building a wall.
RE: On his own property.
HD: Oh, sure. You can bet I checked with county records on that.
RE: A wall between your two houses.
HD: Yeah. Figured I wouldn't stop ogling her on my own, he'd stop me. Fried me, let me tell you. First, it wasn't so bad. Took a few days to lay the foundation and then the rainy season started. He got some contractors in, but they wouldn't guarantee their work in the rain, from what I could hear. So, you know, I just hung back from the window where she wouldn't see. Watched in her window.
RE: So, you were still watching, despite his clear objection.
HD: Well, yeah. Watching, imagining… you know. Not doing any harm. I doubt she'd'a ever known, only he had to tell her.
RE: What did that gesture you just made mean? For the record. I can't transcribe a gesture.
HD: Fine. I was jerking off, all right? A lot. Seriously. You go have a look at this chick. Firm, round--
RE: All right, back to the chain of events.
HD: Sorry. Uh. Oh. So, here it was spring, and you know how it is. Birds, bees, young man's heart turns to. Anyway. But then the wall started going up again, and that lousy--I oughtta crack his shell. He had them build directly in front of my window first, just to piss me off.
RE: So then you…
HD: At first, I just used my imagination. Pictured her, over there, tan and smooth. Watering the lawn. Hanging out the laundry--her Easter skirts, you know. But it wasn't enough, you know?
RE: So you had to try something else.
HD: Hell, yeah. So I tried walking past, just catching a glimpse. But it wasn't enough. For one thing, I'd have to walk by ten, twelve times a day, and I have a shape to maintain.
RE: So what happened then?
HD: I told you the wall was his side of the property line, right? Well, it was right up on it. Anything my side of the wall, my property.
RE: All right.
HD: So I got a ladder, climbed on up. Watched her for hours.
RE: I see.
HD: You're disgusted.
RE: No, no. Merely a bit surprised at the lengths you went to. In any case, clearly, something went wrong.
HD: Yeah…
RE: Mr. Dumpty? You're looking a bit watered down. Can I get you anything?
HD: Hm? Oh. It's the fluid drip. They can't replace actual albumen. I'd probably float like an old man if they put me in the pool. They told you they can't put me back together, right?
RE: That's why I'm recording your statement, Mr. Dumpty. I'm sorry.
HD: Them's the breaks. Look, have you ever tried to jerk off while you balance on a sixteen-foot ladder? So I climbed up, sat on the wall.
RE: On Mr. Partridge's property.
HD: Technically. If he wouldn't have built the wall, though… I don't know. Anyway. So he came running out, brandishing a whisk, and I jumped back to avoid it and, well, the rest, you know. Hit the ground, and woke up here. God, my head hurts. Feels like my air cell's started multiplying.
RE: A whisk?
HD: What?
RE: You said he was brandishing a whisk. Why did you jump?
HD: Hey. Deadly weapon, man. Hey, I can't have much time left. Three minutes, tops. Say. They tell you, was it her that called the cops?
RE: I believe so.
HD: Thanks. Tell her thanks.
RE: Do you have anything to add to your statement, Mr. Dumpty?
HD: Don't think so. That's the whole truth, unseparated.
RE: Thank you, Mr. Dumpty. I… I wish I could have met you under other circumstances.
HD: Yeah. We could have shared a toast, nice lady like you.
Transcription note: Recording ends here; Mr. Dumpty lost consciousness a moment later, and never re-awoke. Cause of death: multiple fractures, scrambling, and fluid loss.
Submitted 12 May, 2007.
A dying declaration is where, under US law, you can make a statement while you're dying, naming your killer, and it's admissible as evidence even though you, being dead, can't testify in person.
Fandom: Mother Goose
Characters: Humpty Dumpty, OCs
Rating: PG13
Words: 1000
A.N: This is utterly and completely lauriegilbert's fault. I ws trying to work out what childhood icon to cause to do Wrong Things tonight, and she gave me this. Course, she said about eight words, and here I have this thing, so…eh, it's still her fault anyway.
Dying Declaration*
Case number 10165-B-403
State vs Weldon Partridge in the matter of suspicious death of H. Dumpty, 12 Carton Lane.
Recorded and transcribed by R. U. Ellwright, MSW.
Original recording attached.
RE: You told the responding officer your accident was the fault of a Weldon Partridge?
Interviewee: Yeah, yeah I did.
RE: Your full name, sir, for the record?
Interviewee: Humpty Dumpty.
RE: And you know where we are?
HD: St. Margaret's. Intensive care, I think.
RE: Good. Now. I'm going to take your statement. You know to tell me the truth?
HD: Yeah.
RE: All right. In your own words, describe the events of the evening.
HD: It's all Partridge's fault. My fall, I mean.
RE: Stick to the facts, please.
HD: I'm feeling a little …scrambled, I suppose. Knock right on the narrow end, you know. Sorry. Right. Facts. All right. Six months ago, Partridge showed up at my door. Pissed off.
RE: Do you remember the date?
HD: Not specifically. Late autumn, though. Trees were bare.
RE: And why was he there?
HD: He thought I'd been up to something with his wife.
RE: Was he right?
HD: It matter?
RE: Just to be thorough.
HD: Fine. Yeah, he had cause to think I was looking. I'd never have touched her, or at least, not without her willing. But… just, go have a gander. Anyone would look.
RE: All right. What did he say?
HD: Said to stay away from his wife. Said if he caught me looking again, he'd poach my ass.
RE: And how did you respond?
HD: Things got a little tense, I admit, but for God's sake. I wasn't… I was just watching her, out in the garden. I told him to get the fuck out my house.
RE: And did he go?
HD: Yeah, yeah. Whoa. Sorry. Light-headed. Too much fluid loss, they said.
RE: I heard. Go on.
HD: So then, next morning, I got up, and that rotten… he was building a wall.
RE: On his own property.
HD: Oh, sure. You can bet I checked with county records on that.
RE: A wall between your two houses.
HD: Yeah. Figured I wouldn't stop ogling her on my own, he'd stop me. Fried me, let me tell you. First, it wasn't so bad. Took a few days to lay the foundation and then the rainy season started. He got some contractors in, but they wouldn't guarantee their work in the rain, from what I could hear. So, you know, I just hung back from the window where she wouldn't see. Watched in her window.
RE: So, you were still watching, despite his clear objection.
HD: Well, yeah. Watching, imagining… you know. Not doing any harm. I doubt she'd'a ever known, only he had to tell her.
RE: What did that gesture you just made mean? For the record. I can't transcribe a gesture.
HD: Fine. I was jerking off, all right? A lot. Seriously. You go have a look at this chick. Firm, round--
RE: All right, back to the chain of events.
HD: Sorry. Uh. Oh. So, here it was spring, and you know how it is. Birds, bees, young man's heart turns to. Anyway. But then the wall started going up again, and that lousy--I oughtta crack his shell. He had them build directly in front of my window first, just to piss me off.
RE: So then you…
HD: At first, I just used my imagination. Pictured her, over there, tan and smooth. Watering the lawn. Hanging out the laundry--her Easter skirts, you know. But it wasn't enough, you know?
RE: So you had to try something else.
HD: Hell, yeah. So I tried walking past, just catching a glimpse. But it wasn't enough. For one thing, I'd have to walk by ten, twelve times a day, and I have a shape to maintain.
RE: So what happened then?
HD: I told you the wall was his side of the property line, right? Well, it was right up on it. Anything my side of the wall, my property.
RE: All right.
HD: So I got a ladder, climbed on up. Watched her for hours.
RE: I see.
HD: You're disgusted.
RE: No, no. Merely a bit surprised at the lengths you went to. In any case, clearly, something went wrong.
HD: Yeah…
RE: Mr. Dumpty? You're looking a bit watered down. Can I get you anything?
HD: Hm? Oh. It's the fluid drip. They can't replace actual albumen. I'd probably float like an old man if they put me in the pool. They told you they can't put me back together, right?
RE: That's why I'm recording your statement, Mr. Dumpty. I'm sorry.
HD: Them's the breaks. Look, have you ever tried to jerk off while you balance on a sixteen-foot ladder? So I climbed up, sat on the wall.
RE: On Mr. Partridge's property.
HD: Technically. If he wouldn't have built the wall, though… I don't know. Anyway. So he came running out, brandishing a whisk, and I jumped back to avoid it and, well, the rest, you know. Hit the ground, and woke up here. God, my head hurts. Feels like my air cell's started multiplying.
RE: A whisk?
HD: What?
RE: You said he was brandishing a whisk. Why did you jump?
HD: Hey. Deadly weapon, man. Hey, I can't have much time left. Three minutes, tops. Say. They tell you, was it her that called the cops?
RE: I believe so.
HD: Thanks. Tell her thanks.
RE: Do you have anything to add to your statement, Mr. Dumpty?
HD: Don't think so. That's the whole truth, unseparated.
RE: Thank you, Mr. Dumpty. I… I wish I could have met you under other circumstances.
HD: Yeah. We could have shared a toast, nice lady like you.
Transcription note: Recording ends here; Mr. Dumpty lost consciousness a moment later, and never re-awoke. Cause of death: multiple fractures, scrambling, and fluid loss.
Submitted 12 May, 2007.
A dying declaration is where, under US law, you can make a statement while you're dying, naming your killer, and it's admissible as evidence even though you, being dead, can't testify in person.