#256: What do you hope for?
It's a strange thing, hope. You need it so desperately, but every time you let yourself see any of the things you're hoping for too clearly, it scares the hell out of you. It makes you vulnerable. Hope works best when it's in the back of your mind, a vague feeling of there being something better just around the corner. But yeah, there are things I hope for.
I hope that my wife comes back to me as the person she once was, even though I know I shouldn't let myself go there. Am I better off hoping no matter what or just letting go? I don't know yet, and I'm not ready to think about it. Hoping for it gives me this knot in my throat that gets so big I can barely swallow. So, I try not to think about it. It's not denial, it's survival.
I hope that I'm making a difference. This one is a little easier to think about because if I didn't have some kind of idea that all of this is worth it more days than not, I really shouldn't be doing it. Okay, so maybe I shouldn't be doing it anyway, but that's not an option. Let's face it, I'm too far gone. This isn't something you back away from.
I hope that Dad is out there somewhere, and that he's looking out for me. And I really hope he's not too disappointed. But I know he'd be happy about the things I can do, these gifts. They don't fix everything, but they do make things easier. Well, except for that part of my life that's screwed up because I have them, and because I've decided to use them. Sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like if I didn't have my heightened senses. Some things would be harder, for sure, but there are too many people out there who have been hurt because of what I do. But I'm not going to go there either. I just can't.
I hope that Foggy finds someone. He's such a great guy, and he spends way too much time worrying about me. I almost feel like I'm holding him back. More than anyone I know, he deserves to be happy. He'd be a great dad, a great husband. Someone who could just be where he's needed. Not like me, trying to be too many things at the same time.
I hope for little things too. I want my friends to be happy, I hope I win the cases I'm arguing in court this week, and I hope the sun shines tomorrow when I go to work. And I hope that when I go out tonight, it will be a good night. That I won't be needed or, if I am, that I will get there in time. So there, I said it all out loud. Now I just hope it won't come back to haunt me.
I hope that my wife comes back to me as the person she once was, even though I know I shouldn't let myself go there. Am I better off hoping no matter what or just letting go? I don't know yet, and I'm not ready to think about it. Hoping for it gives me this knot in my throat that gets so big I can barely swallow. So, I try not to think about it. It's not denial, it's survival.
I hope that I'm making a difference. This one is a little easier to think about because if I didn't have some kind of idea that all of this is worth it more days than not, I really shouldn't be doing it. Okay, so maybe I shouldn't be doing it anyway, but that's not an option. Let's face it, I'm too far gone. This isn't something you back away from.
I hope that Dad is out there somewhere, and that he's looking out for me. And I really hope he's not too disappointed. But I know he'd be happy about the things I can do, these gifts. They don't fix everything, but they do make things easier. Well, except for that part of my life that's screwed up because I have them, and because I've decided to use them. Sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like if I didn't have my heightened senses. Some things would be harder, for sure, but there are too many people out there who have been hurt because of what I do. But I'm not going to go there either. I just can't.
I hope that Foggy finds someone. He's such a great guy, and he spends way too much time worrying about me. I almost feel like I'm holding him back. More than anyone I know, he deserves to be happy. He'd be a great dad, a great husband. Someone who could just be where he's needed. Not like me, trying to be too many things at the same time.
I hope for little things too. I want my friends to be happy, I hope I win the cases I'm arguing in court this week, and I hope the sun shines tomorrow when I go to work. And I hope that when I go out tonight, it will be a good night. That I won't be needed or, if I am, that I will get there in time. So there, I said it all out loud. Now I just hope it won't come back to haunt me.