(no subject)
"I have decided I no longer wish to purchase this frozen food item, so I will leave it on the shelf with the cereal boxes." No, you can put it where it belongs. Thanks.
"I can't fix this problem, so maybe some whining will help."
Great, now we have two problems.
"Oh, I'm only one person, a tiny part. It won't make a difference if I litter/don't recycle/lie on my taxes."
What a convenient rationalization for not taking responsibility for your tiny part.
"Look, I'm here on my own time, so that means you have to unreasonably accommodate me."
Nope.
When someone who wants to show you every last thing their new electronic gadget can do, and I just. Don't. Care. Yes, I've seen a telephone before, magical man from the future, you can put your gizmo away now.
People who try to become connoisseurs or snobs about something without previously having had an interest in it.
In movies, when a character who hasn't eaten in a long time is presented with food and they start tearing into it like a stray dog at a tipped-over garbage can. Unless the food is on a conveyor belt, you don't have to eat it all at once.
When they have women in commercials make the "big O" face when they're eating something. I mean, c'mon, the yogurt can't be that good. "Oh, yes YES, reduced fat vanilla, slap my face, pull my hair!"
Getting the following names mixed up: Carl Sagan/Sandburg, William Golding/Golden, Douglas/Scott Adams, Mia/Marcia Wallace, William Frank/Francis Buckley, Orson Welles/H.G. Wells/George Orwell.
Motion activated urinal -> Motion activated soap -> Motion activated sink -> Doing the hand jive under non-motion activated paper towels. By the time I got a paper towel, my hands were already dry.
Inconsistent dreams. One night I'm dreaming about being run down in a frenetic footchase with bullets whizzing past me like angry bees. The next night I'm dreaming about eating an entire triple Whopper for breakfast and thinking really hard about chewing.
The unnecessarily existentially pessimistic flashing road sign that goes: EXPECT DELAYS...EXPECT DELAYS...EXPECT DELAYS. (Well, actually, I think that one's kind of funny.)
I try to keep my own annoying habits in check, and I usually can, unless I'm prompted. For example, I think that I'd be a domestic female's nightmare because I actually have opinions on color and patterns and stuff. My (hypothetical) wife will walk into the room holding out some fabric samples, fully expecting me to say, "Oh, it doesn't matter to me. Whatever you want honey butt," but instead I'll tell her that her favorite pattern looks like it belongs on a chair in a discount psychiatrist's waiting room. Sure, the color is fine, if you're the sort of person who likes taking freezing cold showers just because, or if you sometimes eat salad bar items that you secretly hate, like celery or radishes, just to build character through adversity. By all means, paint the walls that dingy teal that looks like toothpaste smeared on a bathroom mirror. Besides, comfort only leads to complacency. Wallpaper the kitchen mustard yellow and before you know it we'll be sitting on the porch in our sweatpants, eating chicken straight out of the bucket.
So just don't ask.
It would take too long to list all the things that don't annoy me, but lately:
The Dallas Mavericks winning the NBA championship.
The movie Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs. ("I don't understand fishing metaphors!")
When I was drinking some water and it went down the wrong pipe so I started choking on it. Then, when I half-exaggerated and fell to the ground, pounding the floor in a coughing fit, my four-year old nephew, seeing his opportunity, ran over and started kicking and punching me. I was on the floor trying to breathe, cough, and laugh at the same time.
"I can't fix this problem, so maybe some whining will help."
Great, now we have two problems.
"Oh, I'm only one person, a tiny part. It won't make a difference if I litter/don't recycle/lie on my taxes."
What a convenient rationalization for not taking responsibility for your tiny part.
"Look, I'm here on my own time, so that means you have to unreasonably accommodate me."
Nope.
When someone who wants to show you every last thing their new electronic gadget can do, and I just. Don't. Care. Yes, I've seen a telephone before, magical man from the future, you can put your gizmo away now.
People who try to become connoisseurs or snobs about something without previously having had an interest in it.
In movies, when a character who hasn't eaten in a long time is presented with food and they start tearing into it like a stray dog at a tipped-over garbage can. Unless the food is on a conveyor belt, you don't have to eat it all at once.
When they have women in commercials make the "big O" face when they're eating something. I mean, c'mon, the yogurt can't be that good. "Oh, yes YES, reduced fat vanilla, slap my face, pull my hair!"
Getting the following names mixed up: Carl Sagan/Sandburg, William Golding/Golden, Douglas/Scott Adams, Mia/Marcia Wallace, William Frank/Francis Buckley, Orson Welles/H.G. Wells/George Orwell.
Motion activated urinal -> Motion activated soap -> Motion activated sink -> Doing the hand jive under non-motion activated paper towels. By the time I got a paper towel, my hands were already dry.
Inconsistent dreams. One night I'm dreaming about being run down in a frenetic footchase with bullets whizzing past me like angry bees. The next night I'm dreaming about eating an entire triple Whopper for breakfast and thinking really hard about chewing.
The unnecessarily existentially pessimistic flashing road sign that goes: EXPECT DELAYS...EXPECT DELAYS...EXPECT DELAYS. (Well, actually, I think that one's kind of funny.)
I try to keep my own annoying habits in check, and I usually can, unless I'm prompted. For example, I think that I'd be a domestic female's nightmare because I actually have opinions on color and patterns and stuff. My (hypothetical) wife will walk into the room holding out some fabric samples, fully expecting me to say, "Oh, it doesn't matter to me. Whatever you want honey butt," but instead I'll tell her that her favorite pattern looks like it belongs on a chair in a discount psychiatrist's waiting room. Sure, the color is fine, if you're the sort of person who likes taking freezing cold showers just because, or if you sometimes eat salad bar items that you secretly hate, like celery or radishes, just to build character through adversity. By all means, paint the walls that dingy teal that looks like toothpaste smeared on a bathroom mirror. Besides, comfort only leads to complacency. Wallpaper the kitchen mustard yellow and before you know it we'll be sitting on the porch in our sweatpants, eating chicken straight out of the bucket.
So just don't ask.
It would take too long to list all the things that don't annoy me, but lately:
The Dallas Mavericks winning the NBA championship.
The movie Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs. ("I don't understand fishing metaphors!")
When I was drinking some water and it went down the wrong pipe so I started choking on it. Then, when I half-exaggerated and fell to the ground, pounding the floor in a coughing fit, my four-year old nephew, seeing his opportunity, ran over and started kicking and punching me. I was on the floor trying to breathe, cough, and laugh at the same time.