(no subject)
I realized today that I'm extremely good at hiding my true feelings. People will see me walking around looking depressed, and they'll ask me if I'm ok, and I'll answer "yeah, I'm fine", but I'm not. I'm lost, I'm confused, I'm worried, I'm coming undone. There are so many problems and things that I have on my mind at one time that sometimes it gets hard to think clearly. I feel like I'm falling and I can't get a grip on the real world. I get pissed at myself when I sit around and do nothing because I constantly feel like I'm running out of time. Life goes too fast, and I move too slow, yet when I sit around and do nothing, I don't change it, I don't do anything about it. I have so many things that make my head spin and I feel like I have no where to turn. I know that people will read this and leave me comments like, "you can always talk to me" or "I'm always here to listen", but you don't get it. It's not that easy, I know I have a lot of friends that would let me unload on them, but how much can anyone really help? Can they give me answers to my problems, or tell me where to go in life when I feel lost? No! No one can, because my problems don't have words, I'm not a great speaker who can just say stuff and make you understand. I hear it in my head, I know what I want to say, but somewhere along the way, from my brain to my mouth it gets lost, and I can never say what I'm really feeling. I can't unload because I don't want to burden my friends, because I know that they've got problems of their own. I don't have a really close relationship with my parents, so I can't talk to them. Who do I turn to, who can help me? Where do I go when everything goes wrong and my inability to express my true feelings catches up with me? I'm going to college next year, and half of me is excited because it's something new, but the other half of me is terrified because I've never done this before, and what if everything goes terribly wrong? I'll be 3 1/2 hours away from any of my family, and from my house, and what if something happens, what if a situation comes up where I would usually go home and feel safe? I'll have no where to go, and I'll have no one to talk to because out of everyone on the whole campus I know 3! I'm lost, I'm worried about the future. They always say "just try your best, that's good enough for me", yeah for you maybe, but what if my best isn't good enough for the rest of the world. High school is over, the time for playing games is over, the real world is catching up to us and we can't hide behind the routine and structure of school for much longer. I'm not ready, no one is ready, and if you say you're ready for this, if you say you're ready for the real world to throw everything at you, then you're a fucking liar, and I don't want to talk to you. DON'T TELL ME YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL!!! BECAUSE YOU DON'T!! No one does and no one can, and it will never change. I'm not good with change, I like things to stay the same, and I like things the way they are, but the part of life that I'm entering right now is all about change. It's nothing but change. New city, new friends, new school, new classes, new ideas, new philosophies, new "house" or in this case dorm...NOTHING IS STAYING THE SAME, EVERYTHING IS CHANGING, AND I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN HANDLE IT!!! Don't ask me to open up, because I've only ever done that with one person, and now it feels like we don't talk anymore. You can try, you can ask me if I'm ok, but you will never hear me say no, even if I'm about to kill myself (which I'm not so don't worry) you will never hear me tell you that I'm not fine!