(no subject)
I've been so busy, and I've had a lot on my mind lately. Kinda sucks.. cause I get in bad moods and it seems like I just can't get out of them. It makes me worry that I'm gonna end up being medicated again.. and that is the most depressing thing ever. My life is not that bad. I should not need help to get by. I don't know why once I start thinking about things I just can't get them out of my head. They just stick with me and the more I think about it, the worse I feel about it.
I feel like I am so out of the loop sometimes. It's like I don't belong anywhere. I've always kinda appreciated my personality because I can fit in anywhere. I can hang out with any group of people and feel like I'm wanted there, but once I've been in the group for a while, it's like they see the bad in me and lose interest. Every group I have ever been in for a long period of time, I just end up feeling left out. I know that a lot of it is my fault, but if I distance myself from someone, it is either because I can't handle being around them all the time, or I feel like they feel that way around me. I guess I just get to the point where I feel like I'm just good enough. I'm not funny enough. I'm not pretty enough. I'm not fun and outgoing to be around the gay group. I'm not goofy enough to be around my high school group. I'm too girly for the guys. I'm too guyish for the girls. I'm too ditsy for the punks and I don't like the right music. I'm too bad of an influence for the straight edge people. I'm too prude for the bad kids.
I think I realized I don't like myself much when at some point I was working with someone who I thought acted just like me. She got on my nerves sooooo much. I couldn't tell if it was because I felt like she was trying to be like me or if it was just because if I was someone else, I would get on my own nerves. I've actually had someone tell me before that he didn't talk to me because he didn't like me and that I was annoying. That is so freaking depressing.
I just wish that there was a group of people that I could find where I could feel like I can be myself, yet everyone will accept me and take me in as one of them. I guess I'm just so out there and different that I can't really find anyone who is just like me.
It's just been frustrating me lately...