(no subject)
I am actually angry. I'm so angry and I don't know what to do. I want to throw things but I don't know what to throw, I want punch things and kick things. I want to get out of this stupid fucking room and get out and just walk forever, nowhere, and maybe get lost and get so tired that I can't walk back and freeze to death in the snow. but all I can do is sit here and cry until I can't breathe, with all this pent energy inside of me, stuck inside this fucking room. right now I am struggling to resist the urge to throw my laptop against the wall. But I know I can't, I know I can't actually do anything about how I feel at all. I could pick up anything in my room and throw it against the wall as hard as I can and it will have done nothing and changed nothing and I'll just feel stupid and powerless. I'm too scared to actually wreck anything valuable to me... I want to scream but I am too scared of bothering my floormates. If I actually go outside and try to walk it off, I'll make it fifty feet out and get cold and come back. because I'm a huge pussy so I can't actually be fearless and do everything I want to do. I don't even have the physical energy to do any of this. because I'm always tired. probably because I'm not fit, because I lack the motivation to do anything with myself.
I want to go into a coma for the next 48 hours. actually, make that the next week. or even months. or just don't wake me up ever. I really don't care. I hate this so much and I don't want to be conscious any more.