aftermath, selfishness, anger without resolution
I'm generally confused all the time. Life confuses me. It makes me angry. On one hand, I have no damn reason to bitch. My life is very lucky. I have had success in school, in work, in my social life, in love for the most part. I have been blessed and have many things, actually, I'm such a freaking pack rat that I have many things that I honestly don't need. I've had the opportunity of an education, the opportunity to live in nice places and travel and have a car and keep a steady job and never been addicted to drugs or been arrested or have had a generally rough past. But I can't help but feel rather bitter, and perhaps that's a result of my inability to see life from the point of view of people who haven't had it quite so good, a result of my greed, selfishness, dependence on comfort.... I don't know.
I don't understand why I have to pay for the mistakes of my parents. Call me childish, but I don't find it fair that before I even knew what a lien was, there was one put on our house because my dad took out a loan for a business that fell through. And they took the house, my parents got divorced, they declared bankruptcy, and I spent the last 5 years in college realizing that my life wasn't exactly the shiny pile of roses I had always imagined it to be for the 18 years before that. Things just got darker with the passing of my dad, and the manner in which things changed will likely never be remedied. That's just how it is and I'm going to have to accept it. No matter how much childish, selfish pleading I do with the great unknown being, he's not coming back, to help any of us or to make any situation better. But because of any of the aforementioned things, and due to the pathetic state of the economy more than likely, we're all broke. My mom, my sister, myself. And when you are without things, like money, like the means to take care of yourself comfortably after being used to doing so for so long, you start to get uncomfortable, bitter, stingy. Big dreams need ambition, but they also need funding. And it just kills me that my big dreams are going to hit such big obstacles in their road to fruition.
So the mistakes of my parents caused my mom to have no money now. Which I should care about because it's my mom. But I'm just so angry at the fact that I don't feel like I personally caused any of it, being basically financially indepdendent for the past 2 years, and more or less so for the past 5, that I don't know whether to feel guilty for my anger and lack of giving a shit or to feel angry at the fact that all of a sudden, now that I'm out of college and ready to pursue my dreams, that I have to deal with it. Granted, had I not gone to study abroad last semester I would be sitting pretty on about $10,000 or more. But then again, had I not gone, I wouldn't have had the experiences I had, wouldn't have the dreams and change in life plans that I had, and would still probably be wandering lost around UCF with a bachelor's degree in hand but no direction.
It's not worth fighting over family about money, I know that. But this is so much deeper than that. In my view, she threatened me with cutting off my health insurance if I didn't let her claim me as a dependent on her tax return for this past year. She didn't pay for anything, other than health insurance, that could be remotely considered as being depended on. She threatened me, so not wanting a fight, I gave in. Because of said action, I not only received a pathetic amount back on my return, but I also didn't qualify for the $600 economic stimulus check that I otherwise would have gotten - my plane ticket to Spain, or even paying off one of my credit cards (the not so bad one). I don't want to live in debt right out of college - I was so proud of my scholarships, thinking I would have it payed for and come out in the black. But my mom's reasoning was that she didn't want to have a huge tax liability this year, she didn't want to owe the IRS. At what expense? It's her damn fault that she owed them last year, she bought a condo and I had NOTHING to do with that. Why did she have to buy a condo? Because her and my dad lost the house. Had nothing to do with that either. This was between her and him, but now it's between her alone. She works full time. What does she spend her money on? It's beyond me. I want to be 23, independent, free, and not have to worry about how the mistakes of my parents are affecting me at this point. I want to forge my own life and feel like I've hit a setback by taking financial advice for my mom, above all people, the one I would think would point me in the right direction and look out for my best interest. Is that selfish? Am I supposed to be looking out for hers? Is this where the role reversal happens? Because I'm not used to it and I do not like it.
It's a fine line I'm walking on, being thankful for everything she's done for me, um, my entire life, and being endlessly pissed because I feel like she took a selfish action by taking advantage of my sister and I. In the long run it's only a little money. In the short run it's just another reminder of how things just aren't fair. Another reminder of something that my dad would never do. Another reminder of how much I miss him and how I'm probably misdirecting all of my anger that he's not here at my mom, and I don't know how to stop doing that because she's so frustrating so much of the time. Another reminder of how scared I am about the future, where we're all going to end up and if our relationships are going to slowly self destruct over time until I have no family to speak of.
I know that not everyone has a picture perfect life. But being at orientation today made me realize it even more - I wish I could just go back, go back to freshman year, re-live those first 2.5 years over and over and over and over again and never know what came afterwards, never knew what I have had to deal with and never have had to find the strength of character, that still isn't more than just a vapid farce, to deal with it.
There's my diatribe. I just want to go to bed and try and not be such a selfish bitch, or go to bed and not be such a bitter person, or just go to bed and wake up and be able to have fun and be carefree and smile and just not give a shit like before. But there's too much shit to give and I really don't like it.
I don't understand why I have to pay for the mistakes of my parents. Call me childish, but I don't find it fair that before I even knew what a lien was, there was one put on our house because my dad took out a loan for a business that fell through. And they took the house, my parents got divorced, they declared bankruptcy, and I spent the last 5 years in college realizing that my life wasn't exactly the shiny pile of roses I had always imagined it to be for the 18 years before that. Things just got darker with the passing of my dad, and the manner in which things changed will likely never be remedied. That's just how it is and I'm going to have to accept it. No matter how much childish, selfish pleading I do with the great unknown being, he's not coming back, to help any of us or to make any situation better. But because of any of the aforementioned things, and due to the pathetic state of the economy more than likely, we're all broke. My mom, my sister, myself. And when you are without things, like money, like the means to take care of yourself comfortably after being used to doing so for so long, you start to get uncomfortable, bitter, stingy. Big dreams need ambition, but they also need funding. And it just kills me that my big dreams are going to hit such big obstacles in their road to fruition.
So the mistakes of my parents caused my mom to have no money now. Which I should care about because it's my mom. But I'm just so angry at the fact that I don't feel like I personally caused any of it, being basically financially indepdendent for the past 2 years, and more or less so for the past 5, that I don't know whether to feel guilty for my anger and lack of giving a shit or to feel angry at the fact that all of a sudden, now that I'm out of college and ready to pursue my dreams, that I have to deal with it. Granted, had I not gone to study abroad last semester I would be sitting pretty on about $10,000 or more. But then again, had I not gone, I wouldn't have had the experiences I had, wouldn't have the dreams and change in life plans that I had, and would still probably be wandering lost around UCF with a bachelor's degree in hand but no direction.
It's not worth fighting over family about money, I know that. But this is so much deeper than that. In my view, she threatened me with cutting off my health insurance if I didn't let her claim me as a dependent on her tax return for this past year. She didn't pay for anything, other than health insurance, that could be remotely considered as being depended on. She threatened me, so not wanting a fight, I gave in. Because of said action, I not only received a pathetic amount back on my return, but I also didn't qualify for the $600 economic stimulus check that I otherwise would have gotten - my plane ticket to Spain, or even paying off one of my credit cards (the not so bad one). I don't want to live in debt right out of college - I was so proud of my scholarships, thinking I would have it payed for and come out in the black. But my mom's reasoning was that she didn't want to have a huge tax liability this year, she didn't want to owe the IRS. At what expense? It's her damn fault that she owed them last year, she bought a condo and I had NOTHING to do with that. Why did she have to buy a condo? Because her and my dad lost the house. Had nothing to do with that either. This was between her and him, but now it's between her alone. She works full time. What does she spend her money on? It's beyond me. I want to be 23, independent, free, and not have to worry about how the mistakes of my parents are affecting me at this point. I want to forge my own life and feel like I've hit a setback by taking financial advice for my mom, above all people, the one I would think would point me in the right direction and look out for my best interest. Is that selfish? Am I supposed to be looking out for hers? Is this where the role reversal happens? Because I'm not used to it and I do not like it.
It's a fine line I'm walking on, being thankful for everything she's done for me, um, my entire life, and being endlessly pissed because I feel like she took a selfish action by taking advantage of my sister and I. In the long run it's only a little money. In the short run it's just another reminder of how things just aren't fair. Another reminder of something that my dad would never do. Another reminder of how much I miss him and how I'm probably misdirecting all of my anger that he's not here at my mom, and I don't know how to stop doing that because she's so frustrating so much of the time. Another reminder of how scared I am about the future, where we're all going to end up and if our relationships are going to slowly self destruct over time until I have no family to speak of.
I know that not everyone has a picture perfect life. But being at orientation today made me realize it even more - I wish I could just go back, go back to freshman year, re-live those first 2.5 years over and over and over and over again and never know what came afterwards, never knew what I have had to deal with and never have had to find the strength of character, that still isn't more than just a vapid farce, to deal with it.
There's my diatribe. I just want to go to bed and try and not be such a selfish bitch, or go to bed and not be such a bitter person, or just go to bed and wake up and be able to have fun and be carefree and smile and just not give a shit like before. But there's too much shit to give and I really don't like it.