(no subject)

[mmmangled]

I went to school and I felt pretty good about things. I set goals for myself and I felt good each time I got closer to reaching them. I had a lot to talk about, I could make things with my hands. Even when I wasn't making things well, I still made so many things. I was really bad at welding, but really liked the way it felt to be welding. I was really bad at painting sometimes, but I really liked the way it felt to be painting. I liked being in my little area that wasn't really mine so I didn't care how filthy it got, and I would use charcoal and pencils and everything felt like practice and everything felt kind of good. And I really liked painting on hard ground, I really liked knowing how to adjust the press, I really liked that acid ate through metal but not this brown stuff that looked like molasses. I liked making things really tiny. Lots of tiny things. And making things really huge to the point where I didn't know where to put them and they got in the way. I liked writing about what I was doing, I liked reading and writing about what everyone was doing. I felt like I was eating everything up and then when I did things, I was able to do more because all of those words had made me stronger. Like the girl in Nightmare on Elm Street 4 when she has everyone else's special skills and she looks at herself in the mirror and says "Fuckin' A"
If I was looking in the mirror right now, the only thing I would want to say is "stop."
I have to go respond to a bunch of passive aggressive emails about unimportant things, because it is not enough to spend all of my time with low functioning children, to be literally shit and pissed and spit on, but all of the metaphorical shit is also always getting on me. Everything is filthy. I started taking vitamins, I started cleaning my apartment more often, I started thinking that it was helping, but it isn't different, it isn't working and I just want to stop.