Where to go from here.
I am in a place right now where I feel that my direction is becoming unclear. For the longest time, I had a path in mind and (though I did unrelated things along the way) every important decision was made with that path in mind.
I am finished with practicum and will be certified as a pre-k through 5 art teacher on Wednesday. I have been telling myself that this is what I want to do for the last 8 years and now I am done. I have a job offer for a year long contract doing behavior therapy.
I no longer have time do draw or paint, so I have started writing more often. I even tried my hand at performance poetry, which is not unlike performance art except that afterwards, people come up and talk to you instead of going home to try and piece together what the fuck they just saw.
I can't collage because it feels too easy. It is too cold for me to hang out in the woods. I am too tired to explore and too poor to develop rolls of film.
I had a thought when finishing my poem the other night. I could feel the room light up as if I was the spotlight aimed at everyone there, I wasn't nervous as I had been in rehearsal and I didn't forget any lines or stumble over words. I felt calm and focused and "on". I have always been ashamed of writing, as if it was something that I shouldn't have enjoyed doing or something that was stupid of me to hold weight to. At the end of the poem though I held everyone's attention. I wasn't struggling for it, I wasn't trying to gain it, it was just there.
Whenever I painted a picture or had an interactive piece, I always found myself standing by it and hoping that someone would want to talk about it. I would think to myself WOW, I SPENT A LOT OF TIME ON THIS, COOL. IT LOOKS PRETTY COOL. I HOPE SOMEONE CAN APPROACH ME AND TALK ABOUT IT AND WE CAN BECOME FRIENDS OR SOMETHING. MAYBE SOMEONE WHO ALSO LIKES COOL THINGS AND TO TALK ABOUT COOL THINGS. NOT JUST COOL THINGS BUT ALL THINGS. I LIKE THIS COLOR- DOES ANYONE ELSE HERE SEE THIS COLOR? NO? NOT AT ALL?
I am feeling lonely.
But when I finish reading something that I have written, it is no longer MY poem. It has created this weird little slideshow of images and emotions in someone else and I can just step back and I don't need anyone to talk to me about it. Just nod at me so that I know that they get it.
This is a mess, I am not really sure what I am trying to say. My uncertainty with words and work relates to my uncertainty with teaching and doing behavior therapy.
All are different things.
I could be doing anything.
I am finished with practicum and will be certified as a pre-k through 5 art teacher on Wednesday. I have been telling myself that this is what I want to do for the last 8 years and now I am done. I have a job offer for a year long contract doing behavior therapy.
I no longer have time do draw or paint, so I have started writing more often. I even tried my hand at performance poetry, which is not unlike performance art except that afterwards, people come up and talk to you instead of going home to try and piece together what the fuck they just saw.
I can't collage because it feels too easy. It is too cold for me to hang out in the woods. I am too tired to explore and too poor to develop rolls of film.
I had a thought when finishing my poem the other night. I could feel the room light up as if I was the spotlight aimed at everyone there, I wasn't nervous as I had been in rehearsal and I didn't forget any lines or stumble over words. I felt calm and focused and "on". I have always been ashamed of writing, as if it was something that I shouldn't have enjoyed doing or something that was stupid of me to hold weight to. At the end of the poem though I held everyone's attention. I wasn't struggling for it, I wasn't trying to gain it, it was just there.
Whenever I painted a picture or had an interactive piece, I always found myself standing by it and hoping that someone would want to talk about it. I would think to myself WOW, I SPENT A LOT OF TIME ON THIS, COOL. IT LOOKS PRETTY COOL. I HOPE SOMEONE CAN APPROACH ME AND TALK ABOUT IT AND WE CAN BECOME FRIENDS OR SOMETHING. MAYBE SOMEONE WHO ALSO LIKES COOL THINGS AND TO TALK ABOUT COOL THINGS. NOT JUST COOL THINGS BUT ALL THINGS. I LIKE THIS COLOR- DOES ANYONE ELSE HERE SEE THIS COLOR? NO? NOT AT ALL?
I am feeling lonely.
But when I finish reading something that I have written, it is no longer MY poem. It has created this weird little slideshow of images and emotions in someone else and I can just step back and I don't need anyone to talk to me about it. Just nod at me so that I know that they get it.
This is a mess, I am not really sure what I am trying to say. My uncertainty with words and work relates to my uncertainty with teaching and doing behavior therapy.
All are different things.
I could be doing anything.