Almost over.
I don't think anybody is normal.
I might think that because it's 3:30am and I just finished watching Margot at the Wedding. But, I'm not so sure. I think I just happened to watch the movie at just the right time in my life that it's just a manifestation of my recent thoughts into something not relevant to my life at all.
Maybe I'm just tired. How can I be so tired at 20? Listen to me, going on and on about being 20 as though it's the end of the world. Granted, it must be a milestone or it wouldn't seem like such a huge deal. I feel like I'm still wide-eyed to the world, filled with wonder and yet I'm wistful, wind-worn and weathered. I feel a lot like I'll end up like Margot. She, in fact, reminded me a lot of what my mother would be like if it were just her and I. She's equally as critical but not quite so calm. Sporadic and such.
I have my final exam on Monday. It's an oral examination on everything we've studied since January... and believe me, that is a lot. It's almost every significant philosopher or Western thinker from Rabelais to Fanon. So, we cover the Enlightenment to the French Revolution to Romanticism, etc. etc. The Holocaust is in there and the discrimination of African Americans too. It seems like I'm supposed to just know the history .. of.. Western.. thought... right. That's what I signed up for. Forgive me for forgetting. It's just overwhelming.
The world seems so ugly sometimes. I really confused myself last night when I went to the Wooden Monkey for a roasted chick pea and nori salad... it was delicious and life seemed great. However, after paying, we were warned to "be careful" because some guy had just gotten put into an ambulance. Then, it was a peaceful walk interspersed with homeless men holding bottles of Listerine. So, on the way home, I held Ava's hand and sang a continuous improvised Broadway song about the state of the world.
I really love Matt. He makes the world not so ugly. I just wish I could make things easier for him. It sucks that when you're in a relationship you kind of have to take care of the other person even when you can't take care of yourself. I don't mean physically, of course. Just.. yeah.
In other news, I did some nude modeling for an art show. It was for charity - over $900 raised for rape victims in Haiti. I felt pretty accomplished that night and then I tried to decipher why I really did it. It almost seems like I needed to relinquish the exhibitionist part of me so that I can consider myself fully not single anymore.. and I needed to do it with a sense of "I'm a good person". It makes me feel kind of guilty. And kind of not really a good person at all. But hey, I'm human.
And nobody is normal.
I might think that because it's 3:30am and I just finished watching Margot at the Wedding. But, I'm not so sure. I think I just happened to watch the movie at just the right time in my life that it's just a manifestation of my recent thoughts into something not relevant to my life at all.
Maybe I'm just tired. How can I be so tired at 20? Listen to me, going on and on about being 20 as though it's the end of the world. Granted, it must be a milestone or it wouldn't seem like such a huge deal. I feel like I'm still wide-eyed to the world, filled with wonder and yet I'm wistful, wind-worn and weathered. I feel a lot like I'll end up like Margot. She, in fact, reminded me a lot of what my mother would be like if it were just her and I. She's equally as critical but not quite so calm. Sporadic and such.
I have my final exam on Monday. It's an oral examination on everything we've studied since January... and believe me, that is a lot. It's almost every significant philosopher or Western thinker from Rabelais to Fanon. So, we cover the Enlightenment to the French Revolution to Romanticism, etc. etc. The Holocaust is in there and the discrimination of African Americans too. It seems like I'm supposed to just know the history .. of.. Western.. thought... right. That's what I signed up for. Forgive me for forgetting. It's just overwhelming.
The world seems so ugly sometimes. I really confused myself last night when I went to the Wooden Monkey for a roasted chick pea and nori salad... it was delicious and life seemed great. However, after paying, we were warned to "be careful" because some guy had just gotten put into an ambulance. Then, it was a peaceful walk interspersed with homeless men holding bottles of Listerine. So, on the way home, I held Ava's hand and sang a continuous improvised Broadway song about the state of the world.
I really love Matt. He makes the world not so ugly. I just wish I could make things easier for him. It sucks that when you're in a relationship you kind of have to take care of the other person even when you can't take care of yourself. I don't mean physically, of course. Just.. yeah.
In other news, I did some nude modeling for an art show. It was for charity - over $900 raised for rape victims in Haiti. I felt pretty accomplished that night and then I tried to decipher why I really did it. It almost seems like I needed to relinquish the exhibitionist part of me so that I can consider myself fully not single anymore.. and I needed to do it with a sense of "I'm a good person". It makes me feel kind of guilty. And kind of not really a good person at all. But hey, I'm human.
And nobody is normal.