BSG Fic: Soul - Epsilon Sentence Ficlet, L/K, AU, M (12 Days of Fic Marathon)
Title: Soul - Epsilon Sentence Ficlet
Author: Monti
Date: December 15, 2008
Rating: R
Word Count: 1342
Category: L/K AU
Warnings: None
Spoilers: None past anything aired
Disclaimers: Don't own these people. Just borrowing them for a little while. I promise to put them back when I'm finished.
Author's note: Day eleven of the 12 Days of Fic. Stellar beta provided by ez_as_pi.
Summary: Trapped in a prison with a madman for a captor…one who believes he owns her soul, Kara comes to a surprising realization by reflecting about her life.
19 - Kara had been with many men, but none, save one had the ability to touch her soul.
SOUL
Kara's first sexual experience was during her final year of high school. In the heat of the moment, she made a rash decision to get it over with…after all her mamma already thought she was screwing anything that moved anyhow. Why not prove her right?
It wasn't the greatest experience of her life and Kara was left wondering what all the frakking fuss was about. Didn't help that the guy was someone she'd just met and wanted nothing more to do with. Unfortunately, he was under the false impression they were now an item and it took weeks of her dodging phone calls, making hasty exits and finally joining the colonial military before he started getting a clue.
She never thought she'd be looking forward to basic training as anything more than a way to escape from her mom. But it was the perfect method to end a non-existent relationship. She never saw nor heard from the guy again.
It wasn't until Kara was settled into her initial post at a Tauron base and experiencing real freedom for the first time that she finally figured out how great sex could be. She'd caught the eye of a major, her CO, and they became close. After meeting him off base for dinner and more than a few drinks, he provided her with a night of passionate education…including the definition of orgasm.
Sadly Kara also learned that being a notch on his bedpost was something that wouldn't remain secret. They were spotted by one of her classmates and word spread like wildfire. There might have been one squadron on the remote side of the planet that didn't hear about their infamous escapade. They were both reprimanded and let off with a warning as long as one of them put in for a transfer.
Kara was hugely relieved when her change of station came through and she was assigned as a new flight instructor on Picon. She arrived on base with a fresh start and a new rule…stick to civilians. Or better yet…avoid any and all romantic entanglements.
Which she managed to do…until she met Zak.
He arrived in the second batch of nuggets she was training, a large and rowdy group. A military brat like herself, Zak was cocky and arrogant, yet also sweet and charming. Kara was very attracted to all those qualities and firmly told herself to avoid him at all costs.
But Zak was persistent and wouldn't accept that there shouldn't be anything between them. He'd hang out after class, usually on the pretext of having questions about the day's lesson. He showed up at her favorite haunts, planted himself on a stool beside her and coaxed her into conversation. He gradually became a presence she grew comfortable having around.
And then he left…went home on break…and Kara discovered she missed him. A lot. When he returned, she met him on arrival and took him straight back to her place. The physical side of the sex was spectacular and as their feelings for each other deepened, Kara opened up emotionally as well. It added a layer to the relationship she wasn't expecting and she felt fulfilled…something she'd never had before.
When Zak proposed, she didn't hesitate to say yes. He made her happy and she thought she could do the same for him. Zak was so excited he called his brother and begged him to get his hands on a pass to visit so Lee could meet the greatest thing that ever happened to Zak. If Kara had some niggling doubts about matrimony after her introduction to Lee, she tried to chalk it up to nerves.
But when she was still thinking about Lee a few weeks later, she realized it was more than jitters. It was also something that would never happen…so she tamped down her guilt over the attraction to Lee and ignored it. The brothers were competitive by nature and Kara would wonder later if that, factored in with both her love for Zak and guilt about Lee, influenced her decision to pass the younger brother…even though he blew the qualifying runs.
Not that it mattered…she'd made a bad choice and had to live with knowing she didn't do the right thing.
Every word her mamma said about her being a screw-up was true. It was a role Kara embraced and played well. She smoked. She drank. She played cards. No one was allowed in anymore.
Kara would rather live down to expectations than try to prove people wrong about her. There was less disappointment and she couldn't hurt anyone. And things were simpler that way.
That philosophy played into her reason for sleeping with Gaius Baltar. He was available, didn't expect anything but a good lay and he wasn't someone she could damage. Only in didn't turn out that way.
Per usual, she frakked it up on a big scale. Calling out Lee's name had surprised even her. It also wounded Baltar, who wasn't nearly as cavalier as he made himself out to be.
And Lee?
His reaction, when he found out, was not what she expected at all…and his words cut deep. Lee saw things in her that she refused to acknowledge. At the time, she was still punishing herself for Zak's death and being attracted to Lee was a constant reminder of her failure to ground his brother. She just couldn't handle it and making sure she couldn't have Lee was just one way of dealing with it.
Flying off to Caprica and meeting someone else was another. Still emotionally raw from pushing Lee away, finding out Adama lied about earth and discovering Sharon was a Cylon, Kara didn't know how much more she could take. Running into Sam was like kismet. He was a civilian, easy on the eyes and she sought comfort when it was offered.
By the time she was ready to take the arrow back to the fleet, she'd convinced herself Anders was perfect for her. She'd driven Lee away, which was exactly what she wanted and Sam was everything she looked for in a guy. He was attractive, didn’t make things difficult, and probably the most important thing…couldn't dredge up any feelings of guilt or inadequacy.
In a word, Sam was easy. Kara needed it to be easy. And it was for a while. Especially after she went back and rescued him.
Because even with the few little starts and stops she had with Lee along the way, they couldn't seem to be in the same place emotionally at the same time. Sam was the simpler, easier person to be with. She didn't have the history, the drama…and if she were going to be honest…the depth she always sought to avoid. Thought she had to for her own survival.
She knew differently now, but it was a little late. She was married to Sam, whether it was great or not. Lee was married, too…not to mention gone. And Kara was trapped in a domestic prison with a madman.
Leoben was fond of telling her about their future. How their paths were entwined and their destiny was to be together. He would throw in God's plan and why the ripples in the stream were leading them toward becoming one.
Kara silently listened, day after day, but never accepted Leoben's assurance that they were soul mates. Even though it would make everything more bearable, she just couldn't do it. And the reason was sadly simple.
Kara had been with many men but none, save one, had the ability to touch her soul. And it simultaneously condemned and saved her. When she thought about it…and she had a lot lately…it was ironically perfect. As hard as she tried, she wasn't satisfied or complete without Lee. Yet when she finally succeeded at driving him away, she'd set herself up to always feel like something was missing.
It was probably exactly what she deserved, but it would keep Leoben's deepest wish from ever coming to pass.
And right now, that was enough.
FIN