well that's a bitch.
i was just kicked in the face.
this time it was death .
(it was actually my conversation w/ my brother)... and it was on the subject of death.
we were talking about what it was like when he was gone.
.......................................................
we talked about my family's feelings:
how we were scared for him. how we didn't know where he was, or what he was getting into.
if he was dead or alive.
[a knot developed in my throat.]
i looked at him and realized what i had just said.
'dead or alive.'
(i sat there and thought to myself for a good amount of time.)
::: people die.
::: and then they're buried.
::: but their bodies are still here.
::: but mentally, they're gone.
::: and they don't come back.
::: ever...
.
&&& the scary thing is that:
we never know when our life is going to be taken away.
tomorrow, i could die in a car accident on the way to wal-mart.
and that would be it.
or tonight, i could die in my sleep.
and that would be it.
that [ a l o n e ],
makes me re-evaluate a lot of things in my life.
[how am i going to leave this world?]
would i leave this world without regrets?
am i content to know this how i left this or that situation?
and if you died..
[what were the last words i said to you?]
(what was the last thing i did for you?)
& if we were fighting, or not getting along, and you died.
will i have regrets with how i left it?
am i satisfied with the person i am?
all over?
(i know my answer. {{but you see}}
it's death that is so unanswered.
no one knows what's going to happen when we really die.
how will we ever know? we won't. ever.
unexpected things happen all the time.
i guess a talk about death sort of kick you in the ass
[with what the hell really fucking matters in this life.]
::because there's a lot::
&&&now i have developed this way of thinking:
be the person you'd want to be
just one moment before you die.
&&& in the end:
(you can't live with regrets.)
[ and you shouldn't have any regrets with your life knowing you could be all you could be for anyone who ever cared about you ]