dreams and stuff
I woke up early yesterday (Wednesday) morning - 4am - to a dream in which Jason was very prevalent. I don't remember what it was. It was freaky. Later after sleeping a bit more I woke up to a dream in which I got in my car at the 7G's after running a bit of tubing from the exhaust to the window and duck taping everything together nice and tightly and turning on the motor and thinking - ahh happiness. It didn't freak me out as much as the one with Jason. I called my Dr and we are upping my dosage which means in about 3 weeks I'll be a zombie. I'll probably start Lithium soon as well. I made arrangements with Jason to get his shit out of my apt. It's really over this time. What a waste of my life. It's best but that doesn't mean it isn't stupid. What it all comes down to is that I said he didn't try hard enough. He couldn't handle that and decided that we shouldn't even try to be friends much less anything else. If I can't say what I think and feel then it's really not worth the time and effort. Fuck him. Plus I hate my job. 14 hours today. I spend more time at work than I do at home. I don't even want to date either of the people who have been calling me and in fact I think I have not answered the phone enough that neither will call me back anyway. Other than anti-depressants what cure is there for a fixation on suicide? An interesting but sad sad sad side note - Jason was once recently telling me about a friend of his who had admitted that he thought about suicide everyday and I said I knew how the guy felt. Jason had sympathy for him but thought I was a retard. Another obvious reason why I need to let go and move on. What a dick.