Rewind.
It's been a very long while since I last wrote something. It's just that so many things have been going on and I just couldn't find the time to sit down and write. The more I postpone writing, the more things happen, so I guess I just have to start from .. last time. From the camping trip, I guess.
So the camping trip. We went from April 17 to 19. So I went to the sea with Lala, Rox, my sister, A.W., R.D., T.B. (ex-boyfriend now) and Small A. A.W, Small A and R.D. only stayed for one night.
At first I thought we were going to be separated; my group of friends and my sister's group of friends. But when we got to the camping, Lala and Rox and the guys got to know each other and we decided to spend the time together. When we got there we first put up our tents and when everything was settled we went to the beach, which was really nearby. Lala, Rox, A.W. and I went into the water right away. It was cold but we got used to it. Then after we went back to the beach. We played soccer, rugby and stuff the entire day in the sun. And time just passed by so quickly. In the evening we cooked for ourself. And we bought a lot of beer and Jägermeister, A HORRIBLE drink!! NEVER TRY IT. We started drinking and talking. When it got darker we went all inside in one tent. I drank a bit too much, but I wasn't drunk or something. Just .. well yeah .. "under influence". And I sat next to A.W. and as I began to be more and more "under influence" I leaned against him and he held my hand. It was nice, but by midnight everybody wanted to sleep and I didn't want to yet. Buut, okay.. Before I went to my own tent (because A.W. slept in another tent), I went to his tent and I gave him a kiss (on the cheek) and I whispered: "I like you so much." And he did the same, he gave me a kiss and whispered: "I like you too." I don't know it was kind of "magical". I couldn't believe what I had just done. I decided to tell him the next day about how I felt about him.
Then, around 4 o'clock in the morning I started feeling really sick and so I had to vomit. First time ever that I had vomited because of alcohol. It was certainly because of the Jägermeister, it's just so disgusting! The disgusting taste and everything. And after I tried to sleep, but seriously, I was so cold. I couldn't sleep.
The next day I decided to go to the supermarket with Rox, to get some breakfast for everyone. Rox and I went to everybody's tents to ask what they wanted to eat and then A.W. decided to come with us. I felt so sick that morning that I didn't eat a thing, not until 5 or 6 that evening. I only had a lot of orange juice and other juices. And as everybody was tired, we went to the beach, but we didn't play or swim. We just lied there all day in the sun playing games, but like these games with words, associations and stuff. It goes like this: person a says, for instance, "fire", the next person has to find another word that he associates with "fire". So he could say: "hot" and then the next person could say "cold". So just associating words, haha. So yeah, they made some associations about me. So at a point somebody associated something with me, so it went like this: A.W. - N. - alcoholics anonymous - ... and so on. VERY FUNNY! So I was called the alcoholic the entire day, especially by Rox! But everybody certainly forgot about it by now, so I don't mind.
When we went back to the camping, I tried to talk to A.W. I asked if he remembered what I said the night before. I just said completely honestly to him: "You know, I'm not acting the same way around every guy as I'm acting around you. I'm not being the way with other guys. And I hope you're not being with like you're being with 50 other guys because then I would just call you a great player." He didn't really say something. Then after dinner, the guys went home. We accompanied them to the train station. I wanted to tell A.W. so much how I felt abuot him but I couldn't. Finally, around 11PM I tried to call him, but he didn't pick up. So I decided to text him. I told him that I liked him, and that I really hoped that he's not the same way to any guy as he is with me. And the next day he replied. He said that he didn't know if he wanted to date me, that he really liked me too but maybe not as much as I liked him. I said that it was fine, I wasn't sure either if I wanted to really date him, because I didn't really feel ready for it. And he just said that he found me a very nice and cute girl and sweet but also very childish. And you know.. I guess, I just couldn't accept that. I answered that I liked him a lot but that that didn't mean that I found him perfect. He said that he didn't want things to change between us but of course I was so embarrassed and so convinced that nothing was going to be the same way anymore. I just didn't want to see him again and I felt so rejected. I told him that I didn't know if I could act like nothing happened, but he just said: "Everything is going to be alright." Yeah, well .. I just let him believe what he wanted to believe. I didn't say anything. And so the next morning we went to the beach for a few hours and then we all went home.
It was really nice. I had a great time!
And then I had three days of training for sports coordinators. I met some nice people and I learned a lot. At one of these days I went to see A.W. because he asked me to. I didn't want to go at first but.. I just went because I knew that if I didn't, I was going to regret it. His mother asked me to go out for dinner with them and it was really nice. Nothing really changed between A.W. and me. In fact, we came closer to each other.
The next week I spend almost everyday at his house. Just the two of us, on the couch. so cozy. We still hadn't decided yet what to do.. because we were really between the two, not just friends but not a couple either.
& Then the week after I went to Amsterdam with school. He went to Paris, so I didn't see him for a small week. We decided to talk after we both would get back.
When I got back from Amsterdam I went to see his sister, L.W. (he wasn't back from Paris yet). We talked a lot about A.W. I told her about my feelings for him and that I just didn't feel good enough for him, because he still didn't want to date me. And I remember that it got really frustrating for me. And then L.W. looked at me and said: "Seriously? You're the best that my brother can get." And so I waited for him to come back..
And A.W. told me that he did want to date me but that he's just afraid of being in a relationship. And he told me that he found me perfect. That's where I call him naive. I'm not perfect at all.. Remember when I told you about him looking for the perfect one? Can't believe he actually thinks that of me.. but .. he still hasn't decided yet if he wants to date me.. well he has. After the city trips he told me that he wanted to go on holiday with me. Just the two of us. And that he wanted to wait until after the exams to make it official.
But we're getting closer and closer to each other and he calls me sweet names and stuff. and I just want to make it official.. but I don't want to pressure him. So .; I don't know what to do.
And yes, T.B. and my sister broke up, after a year and 10 months or so. I don't know why because she won't tell. But she's having a hard time and at the same time, she looks like she has nothing to do anymore because she's always picking on A.W. and me. Saying: "You guys are not dating! You shouldn't see him that much!" I mean, SO WHAT ?? We're not officially dating, but there is SOMETHING, right??
I have so much to tell about my summer, buut that'll be for another time.