[update] putting this down where i can see it;
Had a really bad panic attack as I was sitting in the van for my commute home. My hands didn't shake. I didn't make a scene or anything. I just kind of sat quietly, plugged into music and just fought back tears.
I don't know why I'm posting this here, now. I just know that I need to put this down, because remembering that I got through tonight and beat the crushing pressure back is a big deal. It always is. To me it is. It reminds me I am steadfast in my resolve to win over this.
Mom told me a year ago that I have to learn to love myself in spite of everything. To forgive and not blame myself for having these occasional fits. I may have to deal with this for the rest of my life, but It doesn't have to feel like an uphill battle, especially when I remember all the people who love me for me.
I will be okay.
I am okay.