[update] hold that smile;
I need to say this: I've been really happy lately.
It's a really unusual way for a person to think, but the fact of the matter is, I actually have to take time to stop and remind myself that's it's real sometimes. That it's not a fluke, that I don't have to worry that something will happen to make me regret that I felt ridiculously happy today.
It's not a good way for a person to live: to think that for every moment you take to feel happy there is something lurking not too far off that will make you wish you hadn't acknowledged the feeling. When you're happy, you're happy, when you're not then you're not. There's isn't a quota set on the emotions that you feel within a twenty-four hour interval, but I used to feel that way.
I haven't felt that way in months. It's only sinking in now. And because of that, my heart feels full and close to overflowing. And that's okay.
I took these pictures the other week. I have a ton of vanity shots in my iPod Touch, mostly for shits and giggles. There's a running trend at work to pretty yourself up, especially if you're part of the graveyard shift.
It's something of a coping mechanism since we tend to be stressed out a lot this is not news, really, so we allow ourselves little indulgences like good food (no gorging, we're all very health conscious of late) and taking pictures of ourselves all dressed up nice and comfy.
Work hard, play hard. Sounds like a good way to be.
The photo on the bottom are fresh pandesal buns that K brought in with her when she came in at the time I took this photo. She's been bringing some to work lately, since her commute has her walking past this place that sells them cheap.
K works mornings and sits on the other side of my workstation. It's become a routine for us to get one (or two, I admit) and just catch up. We trade make-up tips and I love when she pulls me over to show me pictures (she loves photography). Over the last two-three months since I moved to working nights, the most we get to catch up is the hour overlap between the "Houston" and "Manila" Hubs; unless, of course I end up staying awhile longer at the office that I usually do.
After losing another team mate (Mommy N moved to a different operating unit), we're all kind of holding fast to each other. Mommy makes the fifth person we've lost from the original team. We still see her around, but it's just not the same. Her workstation is empty beside mine. I don't really catch myself asking for her, but you feel it; that absence.
The first two pictures above that are of Plant and Love -- the team "pets". Plant belongs to O and is looking a lot healthier since people took turns leaving him on the sill. Love belongs to K and didn't have a name until recently. Love's nametag is still fresh. K's girlfriend put that there recently. It's ridiculously cute.
You'll notice that I managed to catch the Makati skyline in that first shot. I was playing around with my Toy Cam settings just as the sun was coming up and it was really breathtaking to see the world just change like that.
We see this every day at dawn. It never gets old to me. Never.
I'm going to miss it now that I've been transferred to the hard-mid shift, which is 3pm to 12mn.
It's a great thing to feel like your workmates are your friends. I never had that feeling before this team. I love that I can say so now.
30 Days → 01, Introduce yourself. | 02, Your first love. | 03, Your parents. | 04, Your most significant childhood memory. | 05, Discuss your feelings on the word “love” and the way it’s used today. | 06, Your day, in bullets. | 07, Your favorite super hero and why. | 08, Your favorite quote, in your handwriting. | 09, Your siblings. | 10, The shoes you wore today. | 11, Ten things that make you smile and a picture of yourself smiling. | 12, What’s in your bag? | 13, Short term goals for this month and why. | 14, A book that you’ve read more than 3 times. | 15, Your best friend. | 16, The weather outside. | 17, Ten things you’d like to say to ten different people, without using names. | 18, Your favorite birthday. | 19, A picture of you when you were younger. | 20, Your favorite writing project/universe. | 21, The fears you can't seem to shake. | 22, Something that makes you feel better. | 23, A prized possession. | 24, Something that makes you cry. | 25, A first. | 26, One interesting fact for every year you’ve been alive. | 27, Something that you miss. | 28, The places you went to today. | 29, Your guilty pleasures. | 30, One last moment, in great detail.
There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable.
-- C.S. Lewis
I was flailing a little bit with Em emothy a few days ago.
We were watching this stage play from a few years back which features this actor who has just pretty much blown our minds of late.
It was classic Noey & Em Shenaniganry: lots of keysmashing and emphatic ALL CAPS. Just another example of why its probably not wise to leave us alone in each other's company -- then again, the universe keeps this much in check since she and I live on opposite ends of the planet.
Anyway.
We got to the curtain call excerpt that shows each of the participants getting a moment to say thank you to the audience. This is where I pretty much just caved into ridiculous tears (waterworks are a standard thing in my week these days) because it was just so beautiful to see just how much it meant for this beautiful boy to be able to say thank you to everyone who came; to express how happy he was to do what he loves to do and have people appreciate it.
It drives home how there's nothing quite like the way your heart expands when you're given the opportunity to pursue and do the things that you love.
And then we saw the way the two other veteran actors who flanked him on either side (who Em and I are both familiar with because of their participation in other... stages LOL Tenimyu) just... reached out to him in that moment of utter vulnerability. Cue second round of waterworks, flail and clicking the rewind button.
It was... humbling. To see all that.
I can't presume to know what it was that went through their heads, but seeing that kind of reassuring warmth acknowleding all of that -- it's just amazing to me.
I'm not sure I can express it right, so I'll put it this way instead: the kind of openness that was evident there, it just... gets you. And truth be told, what is even more surreal is that years after the fact, this boy is pretty much still the same: stronger, more assured, yes -- you can see it if you watch the way he holds himself carefully enough; but the vulnerability and the transparency remain.
It's something rare to see in a business that pretty much pushes a person to juggle a stage personality and their real selves because not everyone is brave enough to just put themselves out there without even a smidge of bravado. Let's face it, you need that bravado. It sustains you, to some degree.
And it got me thinking: It's a little like love. When you love, you open yourself up to a world that is completely outside of your immediate control. With the sweet comes the bitter. You get to experience huge highs, but the hurt and the grief and a lot of other things -- that's part of it too. And these are just as important.
It is good to love many things, for therein lies strength,
and whosoever loves much performs much, and can accomplish much,
and what is done with love is well done.
-- Vincent van Gogh
I've always seen love as something that springs out from inside of you, unannounced. It's scary and overwhelming and thrilling; and it can get inside of you enough to make or break your day. Some people may think this outright silly -- and maybe it is. But it doesn't make it any less real or significant. Love is much a feeling as it is a word to describe that feeling and it's very difficult to quantify or qualify in terms that translate as correct to each individual out there.
I remember, when I was a kid (lol, what? some ten? twenty-odd years ago?), I used to be so afraid of using the word. It only seemed right to use it with family, and you know what... sometimes not even then.
Love is a word of power.
It's one of those things that makes us think beyond our own selves and outside of our comfort zone. It can emphasize how alone we can feel, even if we rationalize that we shouldn't feel that way. It's powerful enough that it can stay with you a long, long time, dormant where you don't feel it until something drags it out. Cliches tell you that it can tie you down or set something free -- and as cheesy as that sounds, its true.
And it won't always be the same, because love changes over time in ways we don't always expect. And in the process of that changing, it can and will alter you and your perceptions of the world and the people in it.
That's frightening, when you think about it. Because knowing it and feeling it, involves risk. And risk is something that varies from person to person. Boils down to the kind of courage that you feel confident of.
There's this thing inside of us that whispers somewhere that if you say the word -- if you recognize it and let it fall from your lips, you risk more than just a handful of words. It doesn't have to be a romantic kind of love to feel like that. I guess, in a way, its about that hope we have of connecting with something or someone, which rebounds and allows us to connect with ourselves.
So I guess I'm a little relieved that love, as a word, is used a lot more openly now. We tag it on music or movies or books or art -- media that moves us because these reflect to us things that we need to hear or see or read.
We tell it to our friends in abbreviated fashions over text or in emails, chat or the rare hand-written letter. We whisper it into the receiver of our phones; say it in place of 'goodbye' or 'see you tomorrow'.
We put it out there; we make the word ours.
Because then the power of that word isn't as terrifying as when it all comes down to you to say it all on your own.
Maybe it makes it less of what it is. I've certainly had my moments when I wonder if we're overusing something that should mean more. Be more.
But there is a lot in my life that makes me grateful that it is easy to say now. Reminders that it is important to tell someone
I love you, or; I love what you do; who you are to me.
I love that you/this/they exist to move whatever it is that makes a heart more than just a mass of muscle and tissue. That this feeling that is bigger than and a collection of 'like' or 'inspiration', 'admiration' and 'respect' in spite of whatever distance stands in between.
Because really, what is the use of love if you tuck it away like a miser, holding out until the very last moment to say it? I don't know, personally -- but I don't want to have to wait to find out.
So it's not so much of a bad thing to say the word, to use it as often as it needs to be said. It's not the constant use of it that robs it of its power or its value. Not if it means something; no matter how small a reassurance or as striking a reminder as it can be.
When we love, we always strive to become better than we are.
When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too.
-- Paulo Coelho
There is... one more thing though.
I've realized and learned it only recently (and we can chalk this up to the amount of soul searching I've been doing lately which allows me the courage to say so):
You are the only person who will ever understand the nuances of the kind of love that you feel for whatever or whoever it is that you feel it for. Never apologize for it, but be aware that you should be (ideally) responsible for it.
It comes from you; and like everything that does, it is telling on the kind of person you are or want to be.
I suppose, I'm saying this as much for myself as I am for anyone who might read this and find it significant.
Because in the end, it's not just a matter of having the courage enough to say "I love [fill in with person or object of inspiration]." It's just as important to understand that once the words are out there, that's it. And all that you have to go on after that, is the hope that it'll be taken for what it is: the honest truth that something or someone shifted your world on its axis.
It's a really unusual way for a person to think, but the fact of the matter is, I actually have to take time to stop and remind myself that's it's real sometimes. That it's not a fluke, that I don't have to worry that something will happen to make me regret that I felt ridiculously happy today.
It's not a good way for a person to live: to think that for every moment you take to feel happy there is something lurking not too far off that will make you wish you hadn't acknowledged the feeling. When you're happy, you're happy, when you're not then you're not. There's isn't a quota set on the emotions that you feel within a twenty-four hour interval, but I used to feel that way.
I haven't felt that way in months. It's only sinking in now. And because of that, my heart feels full and close to overflowing. And that's okay.
I took these pictures the other week. I have a ton of vanity shots in my iPod Touch, mostly for shits and giggles. There's a running trend at work to pretty yourself up, especially if you're part of the graveyard shift.
It's something of a coping mechanism since we tend to be stressed out a lot this is not news, really, so we allow ourselves little indulgences like good food (no gorging, we're all very health conscious of late) and taking pictures of ourselves all dressed up nice and comfy.
Work hard, play hard. Sounds like a good way to be.
The photo on the bottom are fresh pandesal buns that K brought in with her when she came in at the time I took this photo. She's been bringing some to work lately, since her commute has her walking past this place that sells them cheap.
K works mornings and sits on the other side of my workstation. It's become a routine for us to get one (or two, I admit) and just catch up. We trade make-up tips and I love when she pulls me over to show me pictures (she loves photography). Over the last two-three months since I moved to working nights, the most we get to catch up is the hour overlap between the "Houston" and "Manila" Hubs; unless, of course I end up staying awhile longer at the office that I usually do.
After losing another team mate (Mommy N moved to a different operating unit), we're all kind of holding fast to each other. Mommy makes the fifth person we've lost from the original team. We still see her around, but it's just not the same. Her workstation is empty beside mine. I don't really catch myself asking for her, but you feel it; that absence.
The first two pictures above that are of Plant and Love -- the team "pets". Plant belongs to O and is looking a lot healthier since people took turns leaving him on the sill. Love belongs to K and didn't have a name until recently. Love's nametag is still fresh. K's girlfriend put that there recently. It's ridiculously cute.
You'll notice that I managed to catch the Makati skyline in that first shot. I was playing around with my Toy Cam settings just as the sun was coming up and it was really breathtaking to see the world just change like that.
We see this every day at dawn. It never gets old to me. Never.
I'm going to miss it now that I've been transferred to the hard-mid shift, which is 3pm to 12mn.
It's a great thing to feel like your workmates are your friends. I never had that feeling before this team. I love that I can say so now.
30 Days → 01, Introduce yourself. | 02, Your first love. | 03, Your parents. | 04, Your most significant childhood memory. | 05, Discuss your feelings on the word “love” and the way it’s used today. | 06, Your day, in bullets. | 07, Your favorite super hero and why. | 08, Your favorite quote, in your handwriting. | 09, Your siblings. | 10, The shoes you wore today. | 11, Ten things that make you smile and a picture of yourself smiling. | 12, What’s in your bag? | 13, Short term goals for this month and why. | 14, A book that you’ve read more than 3 times. | 15, Your best friend. | 16, The weather outside. | 17, Ten things you’d like to say to ten different people, without using names. | 18, Your favorite birthday. | 19, A picture of you when you were younger. | 20, Your favorite writing project/universe. | 21, The fears you can't seem to shake. | 22, Something that makes you feel better. | 23, A prized possession. | 24, Something that makes you cry. | 25, A first. | 26, One interesting fact for every year you’ve been alive. | 27, Something that you miss. | 28, The places you went to today. | 29, Your guilty pleasures. | 30, One last moment, in great detail.
There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable.
-- C.S. Lewis
I was flailing a little bit with Em emothy a few days ago.
We were watching this stage play from a few years back which features this actor who has just pretty much blown our minds of late.
It was classic Noey & Em Shenaniganry: lots of keysmashing and emphatic ALL CAPS. Just another example of why its probably not wise to leave us alone in each other's company -- then again, the universe keeps this much in check since she and I live on opposite ends of the planet.
Anyway.
We got to the curtain call excerpt that shows each of the participants getting a moment to say thank you to the audience. This is where I pretty much just caved into ridiculous tears (waterworks are a standard thing in my week these days) because it was just so beautiful to see just how much it meant for this beautiful boy to be able to say thank you to everyone who came; to express how happy he was to do what he loves to do and have people appreciate it.
It drives home how there's nothing quite like the way your heart expands when you're given the opportunity to pursue and do the things that you love.
And then we saw the way the two other veteran actors who flanked him on either side (who Em and I are both familiar with because of their participation in other... stages LOL Tenimyu) just... reached out to him in that moment of utter vulnerability. Cue second round of waterworks, flail and clicking the rewind button.
It was... humbling. To see all that.
I can't presume to know what it was that went through their heads, but seeing that kind of reassuring warmth acknowleding all of that -- it's just amazing to me.
I'm not sure I can express it right, so I'll put it this way instead: the kind of openness that was evident there, it just... gets you. And truth be told, what is even more surreal is that years after the fact, this boy is pretty much still the same: stronger, more assured, yes -- you can see it if you watch the way he holds himself carefully enough; but the vulnerability and the transparency remain.
It's something rare to see in a business that pretty much pushes a person to juggle a stage personality and their real selves because not everyone is brave enough to just put themselves out there without even a smidge of bravado. Let's face it, you need that bravado. It sustains you, to some degree.
And it got me thinking: It's a little like love. When you love, you open yourself up to a world that is completely outside of your immediate control. With the sweet comes the bitter. You get to experience huge highs, but the hurt and the grief and a lot of other things -- that's part of it too. And these are just as important.
It is good to love many things, for therein lies strength,
and whosoever loves much performs much, and can accomplish much,
and what is done with love is well done.
-- Vincent van Gogh
I've always seen love as something that springs out from inside of you, unannounced. It's scary and overwhelming and thrilling; and it can get inside of you enough to make or break your day. Some people may think this outright silly -- and maybe it is. But it doesn't make it any less real or significant. Love is much a feeling as it is a word to describe that feeling and it's very difficult to quantify or qualify in terms that translate as correct to each individual out there.
I remember, when I was a kid (lol, what? some ten? twenty-odd years ago?), I used to be so afraid of using the word. It only seemed right to use it with family, and you know what... sometimes not even then.
Love is a word of power.
It's one of those things that makes us think beyond our own selves and outside of our comfort zone. It can emphasize how alone we can feel, even if we rationalize that we shouldn't feel that way. It's powerful enough that it can stay with you a long, long time, dormant where you don't feel it until something drags it out. Cliches tell you that it can tie you down or set something free -- and as cheesy as that sounds, its true.
And it won't always be the same, because love changes over time in ways we don't always expect. And in the process of that changing, it can and will alter you and your perceptions of the world and the people in it.
That's frightening, when you think about it. Because knowing it and feeling it, involves risk. And risk is something that varies from person to person. Boils down to the kind of courage that you feel confident of.
There's this thing inside of us that whispers somewhere that if you say the word -- if you recognize it and let it fall from your lips, you risk more than just a handful of words. It doesn't have to be a romantic kind of love to feel like that. I guess, in a way, its about that hope we have of connecting with something or someone, which rebounds and allows us to connect with ourselves.
So I guess I'm a little relieved that love, as a word, is used a lot more openly now. We tag it on music or movies or books or art -- media that moves us because these reflect to us things that we need to hear or see or read.
We tell it to our friends in abbreviated fashions over text or in emails, chat or the rare hand-written letter. We whisper it into the receiver of our phones; say it in place of 'goodbye' or 'see you tomorrow'.
We put it out there; we make the word ours.
Because then the power of that word isn't as terrifying as when it all comes down to you to say it all on your own.
Maybe it makes it less of what it is. I've certainly had my moments when I wonder if we're overusing something that should mean more. Be more.
But there is a lot in my life that makes me grateful that it is easy to say now. Reminders that it is important to tell someone
I love you, or; I love what you do; who you are to me.
I love that you/this/they exist to move whatever it is that makes a heart more than just a mass of muscle and tissue. That this feeling that is bigger than and a collection of 'like' or 'inspiration', 'admiration' and 'respect' in spite of whatever distance stands in between.
Because really, what is the use of love if you tuck it away like a miser, holding out until the very last moment to say it? I don't know, personally -- but I don't want to have to wait to find out.
So it's not so much of a bad thing to say the word, to use it as often as it needs to be said. It's not the constant use of it that robs it of its power or its value. Not if it means something; no matter how small a reassurance or as striking a reminder as it can be.
When we love, we always strive to become better than we are.
When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too.
-- Paulo Coelho
There is... one more thing though.
I've realized and learned it only recently (and we can chalk this up to the amount of soul searching I've been doing lately which allows me the courage to say so):
You are the only person who will ever understand the nuances of the kind of love that you feel for whatever or whoever it is that you feel it for. Never apologize for it, but be aware that you should be (ideally) responsible for it.
It comes from you; and like everything that does, it is telling on the kind of person you are or want to be.
I suppose, I'm saying this as much for myself as I am for anyone who might read this and find it significant.
Because in the end, it's not just a matter of having the courage enough to say "I love [fill in with person or object of inspiration]." It's just as important to understand that once the words are out there, that's it. And all that you have to go on after that, is the hope that it'll be taken for what it is: the honest truth that something or someone shifted your world on its axis.