[update] i am the last one you'd suspect of setting a fire / of setting the fire;
I went ahead and put this piece up on my Tumblr earlier this evening. I included this at the bottom of the post:
It’s always a surprise to look back at old writing and find truths in the fiction.
There was a time when panic attacks like the one in this piece were a part of the everyday for me. So much, that I willed myself into hypervigilance, loath to being caught unprepared by the ambush of emotion and white noise in my head. If I remember things right, I wrote this shortly before my writing fled me utterly. I had held onto my writing for a little longer than I had my music; but somehow, I hid from them all the same: notes, ink and paper, ivory keys, flats and sharps - I couldn’t find myself in the in-between, so I settled for neither.
Reading this piece over now, and knowing now that a part of this piece managed to find its way into a song - that’s how I know I’m feeling more like myself. That I can let my fingers wander, give myself permission to lose myself in sound and sense, and come out knowing that I am exactly where I ought to be.
Tomorrow, I'm waking up early and heading over to Makati Med for an hour's worth of talk-therapy with Doc. Afterwards, I am meeting with Karen and we are having lunch either before or after I get to pamper myself at David's in Valero; we're playing things by ear. On Sunday, I am going to get to hang out with Kate, who will accompany me to Payless in Megamall to help me see if I can find a pair of sturdy leather loafers or boots to replace the ones I've had to retire.
As for Saturday? I am spending that in, hopefully working on as much music as I can manage in-between playing referee between two over-enthusiastic pups, and catching up with my family.
Life? Life is good.