[update] the pressure of days;
Between the Bars [listen]
Elliot Smith
Drink up baby, stay up all night
With the things you could do
You won't but you might
The potential you'll be
That you'll never see
The promises you'll only make
Drink up with me now
And forget all about
The pressure of days
Do what I say
And I'll make you okay
And drive them away
The images stuck in your head
The people you've been before
That you don't want around anymore
That push and shove and won't bend to your will
I'll keep them still
Drink up baby, look at the stars
I'll kiss you again between the bars
Where I'm seeing you there
With your hands in the air
Waiting to finally be caught
Drink up one more time
And I'll make you mine
Keep you apart, deep in my heart
Separate from the rest, where I like you the best
And keep the things you forgot
The people you've been before
That you don't want around anymore
That push and shove and won't bend to your will
I'll keep them still
I want to say thanks to the people who listened while I rambled this afternoon. You know who you are.
I've been putting this off for about a week now, mostly because I wasn't sure how I wanted to write about it or if I was ready to do so in the first place. I've spoken constantly about how it's become so easy to hold back -- too easy, sometimes -- than it is to actually sit down and write as part of the thinking process. When it comes to things like what I do -- the gigs, the books I like, a poem, a song, an opinion about something out there in the world -- these things are easy to write about. When it comes to what troubles me, what weighs on my mind, and whatever it is that I would like to process on this virtual page and be candid about the way I used to be -- it's harder.
But today I want to try, so as we say on Plurk, please mute: thought-dumping. You don't have to read under the cut unless you really want to and for those who do, thank you.
How do I feel?
--Like I can think again. Like it's not so hard to focus.
I haven't felt overwhelmed in awhile. I know I said that I backslid last March,
but I've given it some thought and have decided that it wasn't such a bad thing.
I came out of it and found myself more determined not to let it happen again.
I discovered what I could and could not afford and I can think now. I do more than
just merely function. My head feels... clear. For the first time in months.
I'm down to half a tablet at bedtime. Doc brought it up at the end of last week's therapy session. She'd asked that I describe how I felt about where I was, and I told her that I didn't feel so terrified of my own mind anymore; just as I told her that I've begun to feel comfortable going out, having fun, planning ahead and just... trusting and knowing that I wouldn't fall apart if said plans ever fell through. It's not so hard to get through the day, and while it hasn't been for some time now, now at least, I feel like when I say it out loud, I'm telling the truth.
This is important to me. A victory, of sorts.
It's really good to feel that my life isn't spiraling out of control anymore. It feels good to feel solid. I suppose, as silly as it sounds... it feels good that I feel real, because I don't know how to explain how little of that I've actually felt.
Over the last month I've been spending a lot of time with people I wouldn't have thought I'd be spending time with, and opening up and talking to people I didn't think I would. It's a good feeling, this whole business of 'talking'; this opening up to people. To feel like I can allow myself to be vulnerable and feel safe.
[11:38] beautybedamned: i get these... spells. i miss people. different people. i guess... i just want to write about [that]. how i know its stupid to do so and how sometimes i feel like i'm not strong enough to just cut people out for good because they've got a space in my heart, no matter how little.
[11:39] --------------------: okay. and then?
[11:40] beautybedamned: and then i want to write about this. all off this. i want to talk about how its something i can write about now that i'm better, etc.
[11:40] beautybedamned: there's a part of me that wants to write about this. the whole feeling of missing... and how it creeps up on me sometimes.
[11:41] beautybedamned: but i guess... part of feeling so vulnerable is that you don't really want to look pathetic. or have people wave your feelings and thoughts off as if they're inconsequential.
[11:41] --------------------: and you are afraid of doing this bec you feel that your current lj friends will think it's pathetic?
[11:41] beautybedamned: yes
[11:41] beautybedamned: in a way, i guess
[11:41] beautybedamned: i haven't reclaimed lj. i don't feel as free to write in it as i used to. and its not a matter of conceit that i feel my web space is incredibly important that people follow it and read my ramblings.
[11:41] beautybedamned: but at the same time, there's this fear... that someone, somewhere is laughing at you for being such a wuss. its not conceit. but people think it is. its... fear.
[11:41] beautybedamned: or that idk
[11:42] beautybedamned: or a bunch of other people who i don't know how to read anymore
[11:42] beautybedamned: will roll their eyes and think i'm stupid
[11:42] beautybedamned: and i'm so very tired of feeling stupid.
[11:42] --------------------: i have one question.
[11:42] beautybedamned: go
[11:45] --------------------: take a look at your flist for me, and tell me if there is anyone there who will think you are pathetic for expressing your feelings of missing someone.
[11:46] --------------------: better yet. tell me if you feel that anyone on that list will begrudge you, or judge you, full stop, for any reason whatsoever.
[11:48] beautybedamned: ...i don't know. some of them, no. flat out no. others, i guess... i'm not sure. the most i can do in all honesty is 'i don't think so.'
[11:50] --------------------: trust is... well. i want to say it's tricky. you don't know for sure if someone can be trusted until you do, and they break that trust. there is no other way.
[11:51] --------------------: and because that's the only way to tell for sure, you have two choices.
[11:52] --------------------: you can either trust everyone, and write out your feelings, and hope for the best, that they won't find you pathetic or judge you
[11:52] --------------------: or you could filter out those people you're not so sure about in order to protect yourself from any possible jeering.
[11:53] --------------------: you either give it to them or you don't, melina, love.
[11:54] --------------------: trust is a gamble. if you feel you have enough to bet, or if you feel that you won't lose, then go all in.
[11:55] beautybedamned: i never used to hoard. i don't want to shut down now. my lj was all about a personal statement that whatever i posted on it i posted because i was an open book, or tried to be.
[11:55] beautybedamned: i don't want to doubt myself anymore. but i will admit that its terrifying.
[11:56] beautybedamned: and i feel like i'm holding myself back if i keep putting this off.
[11:57] --------------------: of course it's scary. you once trusted a group of people, and they broke that trust. it's just your self preservation instinct.
[11:59] --------------------: fear tends to cripple us. but it's an emotion that can and will be controlled. don't stop yourself from trying to fly, anyway.
[12:00] --------------------: you're already on the right track of thinking, love. i think you'll know what to do by the end of today.
I told a friend earlier that one of my standing mottos is that 'there are some things you cannot afford to miss, and even if you do, you just push forward'.
Cutting ties is an incredibly final phrase. I'm not very good at it, so mostly I just back up and stop talking or altogether just stop making an effort, because that other phrase right there -- 'to make an effort', I guess it's always implied a lack of something being just natural.
True, I've spoken a lot to people as of late -- people like Da insanely_quirky, or my mom, or friends whether they be near or far, never mind if we were or weren't close to begin with. I try not to hold back when the compulsion to connect to someone, to open up to another person takes me. I'm terrified, of course, so I awkwardly skirt the issue until I find the right kind of opening and see where opening my big mouth takes me.
On a bus ride heading home after a shopping trip with Abi, she texted me to say that if I needed anyone to talk to, I could talk to her. She told me she wasn't good at giving advice but that she would be ready to offer an ear that would listen.
I didn't cry until all the lights at home were out and all the other bodies at home were asleep. I wasn't sure then why I cried, but thinking on it now, I suppose it was a weird kind of relief.
[12:41] beautybedamned: hey, i have to ask
[12:42] beautybedamned: you never thinks less of me for rambling or working out my thoughts on lj, do you?
[12:42] --------------------: never
[12:42] --------------------: it's human to want to talk.
[12:42] beautybedamned: am not fishing, i swear... just asking for a bit of reassurance, i suppose.
[12:43] --------------------: ok. here it is no, i don't think less of you
[12:46] --------------------: is there anyone you're worried about?
[12:46] beautybedamned: not really.
[12:46] beautybedamned: am working out a post... and i keep on putting it off
[12:46] beautybedamned: because i guess, i'm afraid that talking about what i feel makes me weak
[12:47] beautybedamned: and i don't want to feel pathetic.
[12:49] --------------------: don't think about talking as a weakness
[12:49] --------------------: personally i'd prefer to look weak like that instead of i dunno
[12:49] --------------------: killing little kids
[12:49] --------------------: because the pain's gotta come out somehow
[12:49] --------------------: even if it's a private post
[12:49] --------------------: just have to write it out and feel better. that's all it is.
[12:50] --------------------: i think some people hate that because it seems like vomiting. and in a way, it is?
[12:50] --------------------: but if you don't vomit, the poison stays in your system.
[12:50] --------------------: so if you have to breathe things out just to live, what business is it of anyone else's.
I sometimes feel like I'm all limbs and big feet, even if I'm short and my feet are as average as they come. Sometimes I feel like the moment I step out of the house, or out of the office -- places where I have a sense of security, weird as it may sound for the latter -- I feel terribly conscious. Usually it passes and I go about my day in what falls under the category of 'normal', but there are also days when I feel like I wake up with my skin put on the wrong way, or like I can't seem to get the rhythm of walking right.
And then there are the days when I find myself terribly excited and full of this energy and a sense of knowing where to put it-- and then names pop in my head, people who I know I could share these with, and I remember that I can't afford to miss or think about them.
I don't feel like an open wound on two feet anymore. It sounds ridiculous and probably difficult to imagine, but I've had long spells like that. I don't now, but I used to -- like the slightest thing could sting so badly: a look, a word, a random gesture and being told to explain and explain only made things worse, somehow.
So I pull back as far as I can go. I go home, I read, I focus on things that make me feel productive. I pick up my dog and maybe cry a little against that his little doggie-shoulder and tell my cousin I miss her and make plans we're not sure of doing just yet.
And now, that's paid off somewhat. I open up to people now, people who make me feel safe, who don't ask after all the details and don't pressure for explanations. We talk about common interests, maybe they share me stories that pull songs out of me, and I don't feel afraid to share in turn.
There is no need to think of effort because it comes so naturally, so painlessly and even happily.
I want to feel that way here again. To be able to talk and not worry or not feel like I can't. I know that no one is telling me that I can't, but it feels that way sometimes and I am working on that no longer being the case.
So yes, I know this is all a jumble of thoughts and a few chat logs saved, but I needed to start somewhere and I figure, this attempt might not turn out so bad after all.
Elliot Smith
Drink up baby, stay up all night
With the things you could do
You won't but you might
The potential you'll be
That you'll never see
The promises you'll only make
Drink up with me now
And forget all about
The pressure of days
Do what I say
And I'll make you okay
And drive them away
The images stuck in your head
The people you've been before
That you don't want around anymore
That push and shove and won't bend to your will
I'll keep them still
Drink up baby, look at the stars
I'll kiss you again between the bars
Where I'm seeing you there
With your hands in the air
Waiting to finally be caught
Drink up one more time
And I'll make you mine
Keep you apart, deep in my heart
Separate from the rest, where I like you the best
And keep the things you forgot
The people you've been before
That you don't want around anymore
That push and shove and won't bend to your will
I'll keep them still
I want to say thanks to the people who listened while I rambled this afternoon. You know who you are.
I've been putting this off for about a week now, mostly because I wasn't sure how I wanted to write about it or if I was ready to do so in the first place. I've spoken constantly about how it's become so easy to hold back -- too easy, sometimes -- than it is to actually sit down and write as part of the thinking process. When it comes to things like what I do -- the gigs, the books I like, a poem, a song, an opinion about something out there in the world -- these things are easy to write about. When it comes to what troubles me, what weighs on my mind, and whatever it is that I would like to process on this virtual page and be candid about the way I used to be -- it's harder.
But today I want to try, so as we say on Plurk, please mute: thought-dumping. You don't have to read under the cut unless you really want to and for those who do, thank you.
How do I feel?
--Like I can think again. Like it's not so hard to focus.
I haven't felt overwhelmed in awhile. I know I said that I backslid last March,
but I've given it some thought and have decided that it wasn't such a bad thing.
I came out of it and found myself more determined not to let it happen again.
I discovered what I could and could not afford and I can think now. I do more than
just merely function. My head feels... clear. For the first time in months.
I'm down to half a tablet at bedtime. Doc brought it up at the end of last week's therapy session. She'd asked that I describe how I felt about where I was, and I told her that I didn't feel so terrified of my own mind anymore; just as I told her that I've begun to feel comfortable going out, having fun, planning ahead and just... trusting and knowing that I wouldn't fall apart if said plans ever fell through. It's not so hard to get through the day, and while it hasn't been for some time now, now at least, I feel like when I say it out loud, I'm telling the truth.
This is important to me. A victory, of sorts.
It's really good to feel that my life isn't spiraling out of control anymore. It feels good to feel solid. I suppose, as silly as it sounds... it feels good that I feel real, because I don't know how to explain how little of that I've actually felt.
Over the last month I've been spending a lot of time with people I wouldn't have thought I'd be spending time with, and opening up and talking to people I didn't think I would. It's a good feeling, this whole business of 'talking'; this opening up to people. To feel like I can allow myself to be vulnerable and feel safe.
[11:38] beautybedamned: i get these... spells. i miss people. different people. i guess... i just want to write about [that]. how i know its stupid to do so and how sometimes i feel like i'm not strong enough to just cut people out for good because they've got a space in my heart, no matter how little.
[11:39] --------------------: okay. and then?
[11:40] beautybedamned: and then i want to write about this. all off this. i want to talk about how its something i can write about now that i'm better, etc.
[11:40] beautybedamned: there's a part of me that wants to write about this. the whole feeling of missing... and how it creeps up on me sometimes.
[11:41] beautybedamned: but i guess... part of feeling so vulnerable is that you don't really want to look pathetic. or have people wave your feelings and thoughts off as if they're inconsequential.
[11:41] --------------------: and you are afraid of doing this bec you feel that your current lj friends will think it's pathetic?
[11:41] beautybedamned: yes
[11:41] beautybedamned: in a way, i guess
[11:41] beautybedamned: i haven't reclaimed lj. i don't feel as free to write in it as i used to. and its not a matter of conceit that i feel my web space is incredibly important that people follow it and read my ramblings.
[11:41] beautybedamned: but at the same time, there's this fear... that someone, somewhere is laughing at you for being such a wuss. its not conceit. but people think it is. its... fear.
[11:41] beautybedamned: or that idk
[11:42] beautybedamned: or a bunch of other people who i don't know how to read anymore
[11:42] beautybedamned: will roll their eyes and think i'm stupid
[11:42] beautybedamned: and i'm so very tired of feeling stupid.
[11:42] --------------------: i have one question.
[11:42] beautybedamned: go
[11:45] --------------------: take a look at your flist for me, and tell me if there is anyone there who will think you are pathetic for expressing your feelings of missing someone.
[11:46] --------------------: better yet. tell me if you feel that anyone on that list will begrudge you, or judge you, full stop, for any reason whatsoever.
[11:48] beautybedamned: ...i don't know. some of them, no. flat out no. others, i guess... i'm not sure. the most i can do in all honesty is 'i don't think so.'
[11:50] --------------------: trust is... well. i want to say it's tricky. you don't know for sure if someone can be trusted until you do, and they break that trust. there is no other way.
[11:51] --------------------: and because that's the only way to tell for sure, you have two choices.
[11:52] --------------------: you can either trust everyone, and write out your feelings, and hope for the best, that they won't find you pathetic or judge you
[11:52] --------------------: or you could filter out those people you're not so sure about in order to protect yourself from any possible jeering.
[11:53] --------------------: you either give it to them or you don't, melina, love.
[11:54] --------------------: trust is a gamble. if you feel you have enough to bet, or if you feel that you won't lose, then go all in.
[11:55] beautybedamned: i never used to hoard. i don't want to shut down now. my lj was all about a personal statement that whatever i posted on it i posted because i was an open book, or tried to be.
[11:55] beautybedamned: i don't want to doubt myself anymore. but i will admit that its terrifying.
[11:56] beautybedamned: and i feel like i'm holding myself back if i keep putting this off.
[11:57] --------------------: of course it's scary. you once trusted a group of people, and they broke that trust. it's just your self preservation instinct.
[11:59] --------------------: fear tends to cripple us. but it's an emotion that can and will be controlled. don't stop yourself from trying to fly, anyway.
[12:00] --------------------: you're already on the right track of thinking, love. i think you'll know what to do by the end of today.
I told a friend earlier that one of my standing mottos is that 'there are some things you cannot afford to miss, and even if you do, you just push forward'.
Cutting ties is an incredibly final phrase. I'm not very good at it, so mostly I just back up and stop talking or altogether just stop making an effort, because that other phrase right there -- 'to make an effort', I guess it's always implied a lack of something being just natural.
True, I've spoken a lot to people as of late -- people like Da insanely_quirky, or my mom, or friends whether they be near or far, never mind if we were or weren't close to begin with. I try not to hold back when the compulsion to connect to someone, to open up to another person takes me. I'm terrified, of course, so I awkwardly skirt the issue until I find the right kind of opening and see where opening my big mouth takes me.
On a bus ride heading home after a shopping trip with Abi, she texted me to say that if I needed anyone to talk to, I could talk to her. She told me she wasn't good at giving advice but that she would be ready to offer an ear that would listen.
I didn't cry until all the lights at home were out and all the other bodies at home were asleep. I wasn't sure then why I cried, but thinking on it now, I suppose it was a weird kind of relief.
[12:41] beautybedamned: hey, i have to ask
[12:42] beautybedamned: you never thinks less of me for rambling or working out my thoughts on lj, do you?
[12:42] --------------------: never
[12:42] --------------------: it's human to want to talk.
[12:42] beautybedamned: am not fishing, i swear... just asking for a bit of reassurance, i suppose.
[12:43] --------------------: ok. here it is no, i don't think less of you
[12:46] --------------------: is there anyone you're worried about?
[12:46] beautybedamned: not really.
[12:46] beautybedamned: am working out a post... and i keep on putting it off
[12:46] beautybedamned: because i guess, i'm afraid that talking about what i feel makes me weak
[12:47] beautybedamned: and i don't want to feel pathetic.
[12:49] --------------------: don't think about talking as a weakness
[12:49] --------------------: personally i'd prefer to look weak like that instead of i dunno
[12:49] --------------------: killing little kids
[12:49] --------------------: because the pain's gotta come out somehow
[12:49] --------------------: even if it's a private post
[12:49] --------------------: just have to write it out and feel better. that's all it is.
[12:50] --------------------: i think some people hate that because it seems like vomiting. and in a way, it is?
[12:50] --------------------: but if you don't vomit, the poison stays in your system.
[12:50] --------------------: so if you have to breathe things out just to live, what business is it of anyone else's.
I sometimes feel like I'm all limbs and big feet, even if I'm short and my feet are as average as they come. Sometimes I feel like the moment I step out of the house, or out of the office -- places where I have a sense of security, weird as it may sound for the latter -- I feel terribly conscious. Usually it passes and I go about my day in what falls under the category of 'normal', but there are also days when I feel like I wake up with my skin put on the wrong way, or like I can't seem to get the rhythm of walking right.
And then there are the days when I find myself terribly excited and full of this energy and a sense of knowing where to put it-- and then names pop in my head, people who I know I could share these with, and I remember that I can't afford to miss or think about them.
I don't feel like an open wound on two feet anymore. It sounds ridiculous and probably difficult to imagine, but I've had long spells like that. I don't now, but I used to -- like the slightest thing could sting so badly: a look, a word, a random gesture and being told to explain and explain only made things worse, somehow.
So I pull back as far as I can go. I go home, I read, I focus on things that make me feel productive. I pick up my dog and maybe cry a little against that his little doggie-shoulder and tell my cousin I miss her and make plans we're not sure of doing just yet.
And now, that's paid off somewhat. I open up to people now, people who make me feel safe, who don't ask after all the details and don't pressure for explanations. We talk about common interests, maybe they share me stories that pull songs out of me, and I don't feel afraid to share in turn.
There is no need to think of effort because it comes so naturally, so painlessly and even happily.
I want to feel that way here again. To be able to talk and not worry or not feel like I can't. I know that no one is telling me that I can't, but it feels that way sometimes and I am working on that no longer being the case.
So yes, I know this is all a jumble of thoughts and a few chat logs saved, but I needed to start somewhere and I figure, this attempt might not turn out so bad after all.