[update] on belated christmas cards and a lot of rambling;
nomnomnom... cookies!
Just woke Mom homesong so that she could go down and start cooking. I was introducing her to the love that is Syfy's Alice when I noticed that she was nodding off, so I told her she should nap, shut off Media Player and made room for her on my bed.
She, Dad and Neal were out at the babyiest brother's speech choir competition (they won, first place - much, much awesome \o/). I would have gone with them, but I was just on my way home from work when I got word that Dad and Neal had already left to pick Mom up. So... yeah, it was just me and the furry little monster bumming around at home.
I'm really happy that Neal's class placed first, and hearing Mom tell me how it went puts a smile on my face. The boys did Dylan Thomas' "Do Not Go Gentle Into that Good Night" (I knew that because Neal would recite it in my presence while I washed dishes) and one of them was dressed in a suit, a top hat, with a bottle in hand and did what Mama says was a great impersonation of Cap'n Jack Sparrow's state of perpetual drunkenness. :) I hope someone took a video, but even if they didn't, I have a pretty clear picture of it in my head.
Anyway, now that the meat has properly defrosted, I've resumed my place up here on my bed, rereading Jacki's dragondreamfire belated Christmas card *points up*. I only got around to actually reading it today because I after finishing off reading FABLES yesterday afternoon I pretty much crashed, waking up only to stumble down to eat dinner (of which I only took one or two bites) before heading right back up to crash again.
My sleeping hours have been something out of whack mostly because I've stayed up later than my prescribed bedtime to either (a) read, (b) watch, or (c) talk to people over chat. Was running on very, very little sleep yesterday and while power nap at the office on my break keep me functioning enough to work, it did very little to ease the throbbing in my head. So, yeah, decided to finally listen to my body and caved in to sleep. Woke up today all because someone's car horn got stuck on "honk" and that's enough to jolt anyone out of dreamland.
In any case, the card. Yes. It's short and no less sweet than the person who sent it. I've gotten a load of snailmail delivered to this house since we moved because my address is making the rounds to people who've bugged me for it, but I don't think a year's ever gone by since I met Jacki that I haven't gotten a letter or a card from her to make me smile. They always come when I need them the most, too, and its because of that that I've ceased to worry about them coming later than when they mean to.
In the card she asked me if I could tell her about the Philippines, since there is a distinct possibility that she'll drop by if she decides to teach English in Korea (btw, hon, I've already run it by Mom - will work on my Dad next, hehe - you will stay with us and that is final :DDD). It's one of those things I'm really hoping will come to pass because she's one of those wonderful people who I really want to make sure I'll meet face to face and get the opportunity to thoroughly *smish* in person. And to think, it all started because of me setting up a comm and then promptly stalking her icon site. Let's just say that my default icon is hers and hasn't been replaced from its default setting since I actually put it there.
Now while I generally suck when it comes to starting emails (when I get started, I admit I keep it up, but beginnings -- I'm no good at them), I figure that her request of knowing more about the Philippines is something I can consider as a prompt to actually step up this whole posting business. Browsing through my previous posts, its no surprise that I talk a helluva lot about myself and the comings and goings of my life, but I haven't exactly toured anyone around the place where I live. Glimpses, yes, but I could do a lot more. Besides, it'll be a great way to make use of my phone camera again. Pictures sometimes give a better idea than just words alone.
*
Nate _thenothing_ is currently taking up one side of my bed (aaaand, he's gone off, lol). He didn't come home last night since he went over Erik's kyreii house for barkada bonding and whatnot. :) I'll be spending this evening with him, Alden and the rest of the Lazer Tag crew after one round of mayhem at Greenhills. Neal is opting to stay home because he's still exhausted from yesterday.
I need to text Alden to see if he's got any plans post-game, but hopefully he won't since it'll be a great way to head on somewhere and have an impromptu celebration to the news of him moving into the new job he was telling me about when we saw each other the Saturday before last. Besides, A and I have to catch up on and I did promise him that I'd expound a bit more on what I've told him on how things have been over the last year. If I can trust my memory on this, I remember him telling me over dinner at KFC that he's got my back and that he wants to see me laughing like the loon I used to be back when we'd first met.
This is the guy who took finding out that I once harbored a thing for him in stride, never breaking pace or making me feel awkward, who LOLed so hard when I wouldn't (couldn't -- could not) bring myself to open my eyes on that ridiculous possibly unsafe ride at Star City, nevermind all my attempts to flail and say "no, that ride does not look safe and no, I am not getting in there with the rest of you". This boy, who made sure I was seeing the correct number of fingers held up in one hand after a black-plastic wrapped ball crashed on my head in the Haunted House (my favorite thing in any amusement park).
I don't have a lot of really close guy friends. Guys who kind of discount the whole Noey-has-an-AT-field are hard to find. I can only name a handful who are outright comfortable with giving me hugs, ruffling my hair and giving me noogies. They don't make a big deal of the whole she-can-punch either.
I supposed it comes from the fact that Daddy's protectiveness made me conscious of the fact that I'm a girl. Even within the family it's just really my brothers who've tussled with me (heh, the Pico!sibs ritual of waking Neal up is to sit on him, so there). My uncles, the ones closest to my age treat me like, well... a girl, and as much as I love it, sometimes it would be nice to not feel like my biological sex ends up something of an indication that I won't like hiking or getting dirt under my nails. I may be scared downright shitless over insects, and yes, it takes me a full minute to even relax when a moth is put in the center of my palm, but the next time my cousins and I head to Boracay the henna-tattoo can wait. I want to go crawling in a cave full of bats first. XD
But, anyway.
Something I've recently noticed is that the days aren't going by in a blur. There's something of a relief in that and I think the setting weekly dates with people is part of the reason. My Thursdays are now pretty much reserved for Pam izkariote, who pinged me on IM to say "bb, we need to set weekly dates,". Last week it was the afternoon and dinner out at Greenhills (after which I got to meet her little brother, Peter who was really nice and let me ride up until the sidewalk that would lead me to Robinson's Galleria where I hitched a ride on a bus), and just this Thursday it was bonding over at Shang (right after I caved and splurged on books, OHO Chronicles of the Imaginarium Geographica 1 & 2 because book 3 wasn't the right size and another Louise Gluck book ;-; yes I know, I said no more, lol. For real this time though).
Wednesdays are still reserved for trips to Taft (this week I missed it because I had to do something), and while the rest of the days are free at this point, I'm in the process of making plans with Lorra and Alex to hang out, have coffee, cake and yogurt at Greenhills. Lorra and Alex I met at the START HERE Sketch-a-thon at High Street last year, and who I hung out with at the Balloons Speak!talk at Ateneo.
And then there's that "study group" thing I'm crossing my fingers for. I can't really say much about it at this point, but it entails me meeting people of similar spiritual beliefs as I. I gave up actively practicing my personal faith for over a year because I felt like such a fraud in ways that is hard to explain, but recently, I've found my center again and I'm giving it a second shot. Its not just because the universe has been good to me and my family these last couple of months, though to say that that hasn't contributed would be an outright lie. I've had to deal with the noise in my head, had to fumble around in the dark for a bit and see if I still believed the things I believe. Just because you will things doesn't mean they will be, and holding onto my faith when it sounded and felt like jibberish to me... just felt... wrong.
Its like, um-- how to put this into words. Its like faking that you know the dance but you're just really copying off the next person in the mirror. You're always a half-second too late, and while it might work for a time, you're not really throwing yourself into it. You don't really know it, so you can't really do the choreographer's vision justice. That's not fair. It means I'm lying to myself, my fellow dancers and the one who put so much into the dance. So I took some time to sit and watch, and if my shoulders and torso want to move while I'm relearning the steps, its nothing unusual and nothing to be ashamed of.
Unlike dancing and the looming promise of a recital, the dance of life only ends if I let it. So yeah, I can always catch up. Even if sometimes I feel like I'm out of time.
Bonded with Pam. I think I mentioned that much. It wasn't very long realy, just a couple of minutes after she finished dinner. I didn't really expect to start tearing up infront of her as we moved from one topic to another. I'm not very good at confiding with people as of late.
I suppose its because when you tell yourself you have to shut up as often as I have managed to, coupled with generally feeling like you just cannot speak, it becomes true. Its not a matter of not really being able to speak because, well, if we are to go all New Age-y, my throat chakra is as healthy as can be -- but my Solax Plexus (social aspect) is out of whack, sometimes okay and sometimes not, and my Heart chakra (emotion aspect) is just flat out blocked.
I stopped wanting to talk. I could list the reasons why, but I suspect that would be a mite counterproductive so I'll just toss everything under the umbrella of, well, a lot of things just took me to a point where talking became about as appealing as tearing my nails off one by one.
I wanted to shut down and cave inwards, and I did because there was just so much white noise in my head that thinking and just going through the days was an uphill battle. Hiatus helped, if only in the sense that I felt safer by limiting communication outside. Selfish as it sounds - and I will call it that - letting in only the people who I didn't need to do so much explaining to gave me enough space to breathe.
It's hard to explain, after all, how everything hurts much less point out why everything hurts. Getting up, making commitments, seeing and interacting with more than one person at a given point in time took so much out of me. I might feel okay and excited at the first instant, but barely five minutes into whatever it is I thought I wanted to do I'd feel trapped and overwhelmed by the desire to go home, lie down and just... well, sleep.
For a time, it was just Cyn and Marie and Em. Bhex, on occassion because she allowed me to indulge in being vulnerable and maybe even a little bit juvenile. Sometimes I needed people to be around on a moment's whim, and Rika did that for me when Mom suggested I just wander aimlessly around Trinoma while she was off at work. Punch, I suppose was the epitome of someone who could demand what I could give -- a tussle, a nip on the ear and a belly-rub and lots and lots of naps.
Then Jacki, of course, and that long and screencapped AIM Express talk and the other things that followed sporadically afterwards. Lots of boat-metaphors and telling me I don't need to talk if I feel like I can't, I don't need to go and face a doctor if I'm resistant to it, to explain why I feel like crying so much and why I'm angry and hurt all the time. It felt like she was just sitting there at the edge of the hole I decided to hide in, all because the light and the space and everything that came with it became too much to bear.
Sometimes it still is, but not so much now. I've thrown myself into distractions and maybe I'm not living my life just yet, but its something reassuring to have heard Pam say something to the effect of, "no time frames, because you're not supposed to cram yourself into a schedule since you're not on one." To have had B and Hiei and Marie and Em tell me I can only come out of this better. To have to not have to answer questions while I'm sorting out my own. To be able to change my mind on a whim, have other people shower me with love and affection and yes, baby me (I'm Ilonggo and "pangga" is a term of affection we usually reserve for children and people we want to take care of) not because I'm a child, but because right now, its nice to have someone take the wheel for even just a little while as I flex and unflex my fingers so that my knuckles aren't dead white.
I love that my brothers can now hop onto my bed and we can pile like puppies. To go home to things like that after a day of being the other working person in my family over the last few years makes me breathe a little easier. So maybe I don't want to be a grown-up on the conventional sense just yet. I don't want to burn out because I cut it close and forgot how to relax and laugh and not feel like my life was just passing me by.
I don't want to rush and I don't want to turn 25 this year and think that I'm constantly out of time. Which is not to say that I want to dawdle. Because as Luis has been telling me constantly over the course of the last year - I haven't. Maybe I'm not the breakout artist I had hoped I would be by the time I hit 21, or completely independent and living on my own (hey, I barely see my brothers and Neal's growing up faster than I can put a sandwich together, I want to be around to see that and tease him the way a sister is meant to every step of the way), I haven't travelled yet beyond those two trips to HK which were more 'business' than they really were 'pleasure'. I haven't found time to find myself inlove again.
I am not well yet. I am getting better, but I still get anxiety attacks and I get paranoid and I am trying to get down to figuring out the relationships in my life. When life and people do a number on my heart, my brain decides to disconnect and go through things as though they mean nothing. I don't want that.
I want to go back to the studio with Ward and Rye and really sing. I want to welcome people into my home and kick back and watch or roll around like I did with Karen. I want to be able to set schedules and dates without suddenly being overwhelmed with the need to back out for no reason at all.
I want to be able to breathe.
I know this was me rambling and making not much sense. And I realize some things here might unintentionally hurt or rankle some people. That wasn't my intention. I wanted to write it out, figure it out as I wrote it - without having to feel like my LJ wasn't my space anymore; and that here, of all places, where I have committed to speaking freely and publicly, subject to possible misinterpretation - I could still talk.
I think that's when it started. When I started censoring myself when what I really needed was to be surrounded with people, starved for affection as I have been.
*expels breath*
Hokay. Lunch. I smell foodstuffs of the Mom-made variety.
I shall leave Dad to LOL over Keifer Sutherland on avid Letterman in a godawful-looking dress. |D
much love, always,
N.