[update] and so she returns;
When I first started (stop, start, stop) typing this out about three days ago, I wasn't entirely sure if it was going up just yet. Hiatus has become something of a comfortable space where there's no real need to be consistently witty and I can retreat into silence or invisi whenever I need room to breathe; which, as much as I hate admitting it out loud, is a lot more frequent than I'd wish it were.
I haven't really been gone, I've been on messenger a lot, back to RP with Serious Business, which is well into the restart and which I've been fairly more active than the first time around since I've managed to gain more confidence in my game play. I suppose it has to do with regaining a foothold over my writing, though most of these that I've posted publicly on my writing journal or even here are mostly the leftover stuff I still owe people from Christmas, as well as some bits and snatches of original prose (or poetry) that I'm re-familiarizing myself with. Everything else is locked, somewhere else or on my computers, hoarded away for my sanity's sake.
It sounds ridiculously melodramatic, but it is what it is. I haven't even been really back on dA, which was something of a refuge for awhile. There aren't many refuges as of late; but I think that's mostly got to do with the fact that I refuse them to be refuges or that I just really can't see them as that, avoidant as I've become of people.
I've needed it, actually. To step back, regroup, recoup, to see if I still have it in me to deal since there are long stretches and sudden, short intervals of anxiety attacks that leave me scrambling for hot tea and certain individuals or a book, or writing that will probably never see the light of day.
I made a resolution of sorts at the start of the year, I haven't been able to really keep it and when I try I always feel like I'm hurting both sides of the fence, but keeping it in mind has helped provide something of a focus. I told myself I'd not seek people out this year, not go the extra mile to go and catch even a bit of their company -- not unless they sought me out first, asked to meet up, have an early dinner or share the commute home. The move has helped that, somewhat, since I'm still trying to get a handle on how to get home from work and to work from over here. Moving to a different part of the city has also changed my haunts -- but none of them are really mine, nor are they the haunts of familiar faces because familiar faces I could get to because of the train and my train access isn't as simple as it used to be.
I have to plan in advance now, there's no more room for what little spontaneity I managed last year, and I guess I'm wondering if this is really what I wanted. Kam's asked as much, yes, we've sort of been arguing again, but not as badly as before. I've been feeling angry and sorry for myself again which really grates at me, but its something that happens and I know I need to work on it.
The last couple of months have been tough. I won't elaborate on how, there are a number of you who already know, and for those who don't, I really am sorry. On some days it felt like you were part of the problem, and whether the problem was... is... imagined or otherwise, I needed to stay and pull away, but I guess on the other hand I had hoped you'd've yanked me right back, told me no -- never mind politeness or the need for manners.
There are things that I can't talk about, that I wish I could over here because there are a lot of you who are precious to me who I can only reach through this screen. Sadly, my mobile phone is rarely equipped with credit to call overseas and even then I don't -- either because I don't have your contact numbers or because I hesitate to bring my woes to all of you. Its not my thing, been too long ingrained by training and experience to just shut my trap, I suppose. I think it's more experience than any, though. I don't think, given the volatility of my temper at this point, that I could bear anyone telling me to just deal, to handle it, to stop thinking that the world is closing in because it's not and people have lives to live as well.
I found my Lisa Carey books. A lot of stuff finally came out through the two stress-filled weeks of packing where I had to deal with sifting through what needed to go, what could be left behind, what was okay to give away. Threw out papers, debated chucking out old letters because yes, I keep everything I think I might need -- to sustain sentiment, document memory, to remind -- even all the way from when I was nine, seven or six. I am that much of a pack rat. I have dedications that date back from when the organizer was hip, a scrapbook longer than my arm on the Backstreet Boys (OHLOL), letters from my baby brother from when he was still attending therapy to deal with his ADD. His handwriting was really, really big. And so much like Nate's. It was ridiculously sweet though, that one, extremely long sentence telling me about his day and how he thought of me and how much he loves me. Makes me remember similar run-ons written with red crayon to my mom, a relatively okay imitation of Snoopy on the paper folded inside the card.
Mom picked up the ring she gave me when my fingers were smaller and thinner: it's a single diamond the size of a pea set on a simple gold band and will be passed to my own daughter if I ever have her. I bring it with me to work now, wear it on my pinkie because that's the only place it will fit.
But moving back to the subject. I've been thinking of reading through In the Country of the Young again, and then remind myself that I need to finish Every Visible Thing (it's still packed, Rei, lol, but I was halfway through it). It's mostly to look at what little story there was of Nieve, Oisin's sister. I'll be cryptic, but it's a part of what's been going on lately -- not the end, but the cause, of sorts.
The last few days have been good, though. I think that has to do with some changes, and the filtering in of contact. It helps also that the timing is impeccable, catching me just before the anxiety settles in, or right in the middle of feeling stunted and frustrated.
(Pausing for a bit. Punch has brought in his new "treasure". It's a yellowed leaf from the bamboo that was finally brought over to the house. He carries it round like a new toy and I am now fully convinced that his favorite color leans to shades of sunlight, since it will account for the color of his two most favorite toys -- his "baby" a rabbit rattle that squeaks, and "Babar" this little elephant that we keep downstairs.
He's been playing with the leaf since about thirty minutes ago. Mom tried to take it from him and he just took it right back. My dog, he never fails to amuse me, really.)
I've picked up reading again and it's helped d to get my mind working. Finished John M. Ford's The Dragon Waiting just the day before yesterday and am still all sparkly-eyed at the amount of amazing that it is. Historical fantasy, can has! \o
I also picked up a recc I saw last Friday on petitebellete, which was recced to her by sleepall_day. I've been leery of new authors tackling urban fantasy ever since Twilight came out, and while Laurel K. Hamilton's stuff got me hooked for a time, Anita Blake kind of faded into the back after awhile. I suppose it's still that I'm still spoiled by The Coven of the Articulate (my Anne Rice books all came out and I've got them displayed quite nicely now), and I haven't really been interested in reading anything within the whole vampire/werewolf genre because watching Underworld and the sequel (Rise of the Lycans, why did my brother imply that you aren't that good? ;;) and even Van Helsing for all it's historical crack seemed much better fare, but Patricia Brigg's Mercedes Thompson series has me totally hooked.
I printed out the e-text sleepall_day gave me. I'm not awesome enough to have a phone that shows e-books (not just yet, haha) -- and I'm trying not to aggravate my eyesight too much, so I drew out Moon Called and finished it just last night and I'm already flailing because neither Fully Booked nor Powerbooks online have it (nor the second, nor the third) stocked. ;; This means I am going to order this in.
I suck at reccing, so I'll just say this instead: I love it when the author knows what she's talking about. Changing something in reality like introducing vampires, werewolves, witches and Fae -- these have ramifications on the present reality. To build and expand on the politics of packs, seethes, inter-preternatural creature conflict and to support it with events in history, established social constructs to create this whole tidal wave of cause-and-effect -- That. Is. Amazing.
Pack dynamics of dominance and subservience are utilized. Being a fan of wolves and having researched them for sheer fun, it was great to see that Ma'am Briggs put that into play. The issues she tackles make you consider things like how packs are patriarchal -- male dominates female; but wolves, don't have to deal with issues in sexuality, whereas people do. :) There's how she keeps the were population in check. I'm not sure if Ma'am Briggs ever read Wizard of the Grove, but her concept is similar to Tanya Huff's and provides a huge point of tension. She talks about (but not too much), the finer points of how ones goes through the Change, and why there are very few (only one has been introduced so far) naturally born weres.
Am rambling, but lets just say the conflict of human vs. inner beast comes out not only in terms of whether a were loses control over the need to fight or feed, because it's also there in the need for the human being to build a family, create a space for themselves, find belonging in a group and how being this creature throws up blocks to things like that.
As for the vampires, there isn't much said just yet. I suspect there will be more in the second book, which I am going to hunt up in print as soon as I am able. Special order, here I come. I love Stefan though. I'd never heard a vampire who was a fan of Scooby Doo. He has his own Mystery Machine. It's very, very cute. :)
This is my way of saying "Don't let me flail over this alone". Crap, I think I found a series I can flail over again. Hee, hee. S'been awhile, it feels nice.
I want to share this the most with Dee and Hope. Kam, I've already gotten interested (yes, I talked about it that much last night and the night before), and Mom is halfway through with it (she will fully support acquiring
No pictures of the house just yet. There's not much to show since the unpacking, like I said previously, is going, but is slow. We've had to rewire a couple of things, because there are too man lights and too many switches and while I love my pretty mood-makers, my room gets ridiculously hot when you combine white with yellow.
We're installing lots of outlets as well, because there's only so many to go around and more than a dozen extension wires all over the place isn't exactly safe. Boxes are being emptied, their contents unloaded into respective shelves or cabinets. Slow, but sure. There are still some things that need to be chucked out, but we're doing that with a less frantic pace than the first time around.
I suppose I'm thankful that despite all the crazy that's going on right now, I can sleep well at night. It gets really quiet here though when everyone beds down. Reminds me how lonely I feel sometimes, though I'm not much anymore for going online late at night.
Anyway. I think I've said enough, if not too much. Back now, officially and will hopefully have more to say in the coming days provided nothing untoward occurs (such as the Globelines pole falling over itself, but let's not think about me losing my phone line and my internet, heh).
As for my contact details, a bunch of you are filtered in on this. That's my new address, phone number and my mobile number. If you can't see it and would like to for reasons of bothering me sweetly, pop me a PM and I'll list you in on the number of people who may, one day when the house finally looks viewable to the public, be permitted to drop in unexpected on a weekend to sit on me and yell in my ear to wake up, the sun's up. :)
I gotta jet. Parents just rounded back after leaving. Dad forgot his cell again, hee hee and Mom needed to drink her meds. Will do breakfast now. And hearkening back to what I used to say: Ciao, bellas.
- 9:22am
[Addendum: 2:13pm]
Things I Need To Get My Hands On:
- Nonfiction texts on Italian Renaissance
- Mercedes Thompson books (1, 2, 3)
- Being Human episode