not close to being tired right now and it's 330...
Damn, what a Christmas...for the past 9 years, I haven't realized that I had a family of which to speak...
and then Paul comes into my life...changed everything. I've never loved someone as much as him, not even my rents (which is understandable.) I can't stand to look at my mother. Can't bring myself to talk to my father. but my cousin, right now, feels like the only family i have...it's a little lonely, and scary to think i have no one to go to except for him...a 25 year old boy that's criticized by the rest of my family for being a poor, thin piece of "trailor park trash." no one has the right to judge someone just because they aren't wealthy, don't own a polo shirt, or a northface jacket. it pisses me off to think i actually wanted to wear shit like that because it was what everyone else was wearing. i won't make that mistake again. i'm at a point in my life right now where i feel like i want to throw everything away, my life, home, family, and just move on...im so sick of this crazy shit that goes on in my life...i just want it to be over, to move on and not look back at how fucked up my life "used to be."
but i can't and i don't feel like praying to God about it because i'm as of right now, seriously doubting my faith in Him, i hope it'll pass...but I don't feel like confronting Him.
i was saved five years ago, if i hadn't been, i wouldn't be here today. i regret how i was saved...i was completely blindsided by the person that led me through that time and i'm worried that what happened was totally wrong and there is no God, heaven, or hell. and im sitting here typing this feeling terrible about what im saying, but it's been bothering me for a while now, and i don't think it's going to get better
i don't even want it to get better, i just want to get away from this place, williams, home, burlington and sort it out...ill be able to this summer, but that's a long time from now i don't know if im going to last that long, im just about on my last try on this...
but it's late...or early...but i'm going to go for a really long run in this 28 degree weather to get my mind off things.
and then Paul comes into my life...changed everything. I've never loved someone as much as him, not even my rents (which is understandable.) I can't stand to look at my mother. Can't bring myself to talk to my father. but my cousin, right now, feels like the only family i have...it's a little lonely, and scary to think i have no one to go to except for him...a 25 year old boy that's criticized by the rest of my family for being a poor, thin piece of "trailor park trash." no one has the right to judge someone just because they aren't wealthy, don't own a polo shirt, or a northface jacket. it pisses me off to think i actually wanted to wear shit like that because it was what everyone else was wearing. i won't make that mistake again. i'm at a point in my life right now where i feel like i want to throw everything away, my life, home, family, and just move on...im so sick of this crazy shit that goes on in my life...i just want it to be over, to move on and not look back at how fucked up my life "used to be."
but i can't and i don't feel like praying to God about it because i'm as of right now, seriously doubting my faith in Him, i hope it'll pass...but I don't feel like confronting Him.
i was saved five years ago, if i hadn't been, i wouldn't be here today. i regret how i was saved...i was completely blindsided by the person that led me through that time and i'm worried that what happened was totally wrong and there is no God, heaven, or hell. and im sitting here typing this feeling terrible about what im saying, but it's been bothering me for a while now, and i don't think it's going to get better
i don't even want it to get better, i just want to get away from this place, williams, home, burlington and sort it out...ill be able to this summer, but that's a long time from now i don't know if im going to last that long, im just about on my last try on this...
but it's late...or early...but i'm going to go for a really long run in this 28 degree weather to get my mind off things.