Eating and numbers. The gap between obesity and anorexia when it comes to eating disorders.
Eating and numbers. The gap between obesity and anorexia when it comes to eating disorders. With a Mars twist, of course.
Below is my comment to this blog post:
http://the-girl-with-words.blogspot.com/2013/09/highly-effective-passages-i-wish-i-had.html
Quick summary of the blog post: she was talking about the book "Killing Aurora" by Helen Barnes, which I haven't read. It is a YA book about a teen with an eating disorder, on the anorexia side of the spectrum. She pointed out a passage where Aurora is fighting her math homework and she said that it was nice foreshadowing for the fact that she had an eating disorder, since eating disorders are all about numbers - how much you eat, portion size, how much you weigh, how much you exercise ....
Quoting the blog post:
"If you know much about eating disorders you’ll know that most of the time, numbers dominate the life of the person with the disorder. Calories in, calories out, bites of food, time spent exercising, number of star jumps, push up, sit ups, and of course, the all-important number on the scale."
Anyway, my response:
First off, you would pick a book that's out of print. *grumble grumble* Of course last time I tried to read the book a friend used for her username, I ended up rather disappointed. We clicked, but I didn't click with the book.
As for the passage ... *points up*
I'm the geeky kid who liked math and became an engineer. And, I have an eating disorder, on the other end of the spectrum.
I overeat. I stress eat. And it was never about numbers for me. It was more "you say I can't, well, fuck you, I will anyway". (For say, that extra cupcake.) And, of course the opposite: "you say I must, well, fuck you, I won't". (For "eat your veggies" or anything exercise wise).
Actually, for me numbers and eating couldn't be further apart. Eating is emotions. Numbers are science. You know that "live to eat vs eat to live" expression? I'm a live to eat-er.
And, I'm not sure that comment was the least bit helpful for you, but I feel like I owe you for a therapy session. And, now I want a cupcake. Guess it wouldn't be fair to creep around the house at 3:20 AM to look for sweets. *g*
Okay, take 2. This is the comment to a short fiction post (again focusing on anorexia) from the same blog.
http://the-girl-with-words.blogspot.com.au/2013/09/smaller.html
and the previous companion piece
http://the-girl-with-words.blogspot.com.au/2013/08/all-i-need-is-bitter-songto-make-me.html
My comment:
This is one of those pieces that's so far from my temperament and personality it's like being inside an alien's head. Given I have an eating disorder, you would think it would resound to hear about another type of eating disorder, but it's almost completely diametrically opposed.
When I look in the mirror and call myself fat. I'm being realistic. I am fat. In fact, I'm more often underestimating or wording things to lessen the impact of my weight. You know - plus sized or voluptuous. As a morbidly obese individual, I'm not emotionally punishing myself with food and eating. I'm emotionally comforting myself with food and eating. It's the rest of society that's punishing me.
Both disorders are about food and about control, but otherwise they can't be more different. Like I mentioned in the other post ( http://the-girl-with-words.blogspot.com/2013/09/highly-effective-passages-i-wish-i-had.html ): For me it's about emotions and rebelling and letting go of control. Where you describe the skinny side of things as zoned out unemotional, iron fisted control. (At least that's how I'm reading it.)
*rereads* Okay, I read both this and the previous story you referred to in a row. I guess it was the previous one ( http://the-girl-with-words.blogspot.com.au/2013/08/all-i-need-is-bitter-songto-make-me.html ) that seemed more unemotional, but they do both have that zoned out quality to them.
I know the zoned out quality. That's my version -- the introvert version -- of reacting to extreme stress. It's the deer in the headlights thing. You zone out, emotionally freeze, and go through the motions. So do anorexics live in that state? That's scary. I'd rather be a prisoner of my own body, than a prisoner of my own head.
The two instances that immediately come to mind - when my father had a stroke and how I felt when I got fired from a job. In both cases, it's about shutting down the normal deep and thoughtful, and the emotional side of things, and running on autopilot. It's good in a way. You don't fall apart. But you'll certainly crash sooner or later. And crash hard. But if you never let yourself crash and burn....? OMG. "Savior".
Taking out the chorus:
Until you crash
Until you burn
Until you lie
Until you learn
Until you see
Until you believe
Until you fight
Until you fall
Until the end of everything at all
Until you die
Until you're alive
Until you give
Until you've used
Until you've lost
Until you lose
Until you see, how could you believe?
Until you've lived a thousand times
Until you've seen the other side
Until the truth becomes a lie
Until you change, until you deny
Until you believe
I'll have to link you to my post on Savior. ( http://mlady-rebecca.livejournal.com/203049.html ) It's one of my favorite Mars songs because it hit me so deeply when I realized what it meant to me.
And, once again, I owe you for therapy. LOL. Two for two tonight.