Post-TIFF realizations with Jared & Rayon
Note: If you're not big into Mars, this probably won't make a lick of sense.
This was originally hand written 09/09/2013 4:04 pm.
I'm going to start this in the middle. Not because it's the best place to start, but because the beginning has already been captured in snapshots on Twitter in real time.
I just woke up and took care of my bladder. (TMI? *g*) Considering I had about 5 hours of sleep, I should be crawling back under the covers, but my brain has perked up like a 5 year old realizing it's Christmas.
I said my goodnights after some nice twitter chatting and I made the mistake of reblogging a Tumblr post that had been open in another tab. You know how you can see the ghostly image of the first post in your timeline? Well, it was animated Rayon and I had to find the video. And, many, I don't care what someone says. That 45 second clip would be enough to give Jared the Oscar in my book. It shattered my perceptions that much.
( Said clip.)
Stayed up - I think - 3 more hours.
I had sunk into this half-awake bleary eyed state where it felt like my perceptions were more acute. A form of that flow where I see the connections between things and the world stops and reorients itself. Yes, all that from a 45 second clip ... and the years of worshiping at the Church of Mars.
You know the atheist thing, the Dawkins thing. You know - at least in highlights - that hierarchy of the souls thing. Well, she did it, he did it.
I went to sleep shaking - whether from the A/C, the lack of sleep, my odd mood, or a combination thereof - but also on the verge of tears because Jared is that pivotal in my world view. I think he made me believe in the soul again, in life beyond this plane of existence.
And I still haven't vocalized the last thought that I had before bed. The one that had me reaching for the post-its.
The post-its:
Rayon as vunerable & needy.
Rayon is Echelon.
Jared - You make me believe that there is more to life than this plane of existence.
Only you.
Going to sleep on the verge of tears because how much I love you.
I mentioned that Rayon, like Jared, felt like an old soul. @veganpop pointed out that one of the critics described Rayon as vulnerable & needy. And that pegged her as a mature soul.
That last thought. I'm a mature soul. A lot of us questing are mature souls. I imagine a lot of the Echelon are mature souls.
Rayon is Echelon.
I feel like I need to put that on the wall or something. It's that meaningful to me.
You know the "walk in my shoes" vibe I get from Jared gaining weight to play Mark David Chapman.
And having only seen stills of Rayon, the trailer, and the hints of her when Jared let her slip out. That alone made me love Rayon as a distinct being. Sort of like Bart Cubbins, only more so.
But, my god, 45 seconds of the film and Rayon just bloomed into this full fledged person.
I said last night it was like seeing Jared's soul reincarnated into a woman.
So, man, the "walk in my shoes" thing took on another layer. But neither revelation held a candle to the idea that Rayon is Echelon.
Jared imbued her with that neediness, that questing spirit, that need to find her place and fit.
*tears coming*
God, he doesn't just see us, own us, ... he embodies us.
I'm writing this on paper with no audience but my own thoughts, but somehow I know the Echelon will understand. Jared would understand.
I said with those brief 45 seconds it was like reorienting your perspective.
I would still love Jared with ever breath in me if he was still chubby as Mark David Chapman. Not the personality, mind you. *g* And I would still love him had he chosen to be transgendered, although chosen isn't the right word unless you pull back and look at those soul profiles and the idea that there is only one core piece of who we are that we carry though all these reincarnations. We choose the rest before each birth, including gender.
With Jared's peeks of Rayon sneaking out in conversation or with Terry's Candy photoshoot it was easy to shift back and forth seeing both Jared and Rayon.
[Interesting discussion on which of Jared's roles where you can see both him and the character, and which ones he disappears into the character. Should try to replicate at least my half of that conversation sometime.]
With that clip, the intensity, the magnetism of Jared was there but he was completely subsumed.
I wanted to be with Rayon, share my life with her in the way I want to share my life with Jared only not "I'd go lesbian for Rayon". With Candy, yes. With the clip, not at all.
I want to hug her and tell her she's beautiful and that somehow it will be alright. Jared brings out my mothering instinct, but Rayon....
I've never liked clothes or makeup or girly stuff like that. But I wanted to go shopping with Rayon.
....
Whiplash warning. Subject jump.
You know the idea of celestial marriage? In polygamist Mormon doctrine. I call bullshit, but ....
Doesn't it feel like that how a lot of the Echelon are to Jared?
Not the physical attraction, not even the Jean-Claude-esc incubus draw he has on both genders. The under the surface stuff.
Like some weird SF picture where you pull back and look at the earth from a distance and turn souls into little spots of light. The way we orient ourselves in his direction like a plant seeking sunlight.
That book I read ... and may need to re-buy because of storage locker hell ... and the idea that souls reincarnate together.
At the time it was immediate circle. Your brother in one life is you wife in the next, your best friend in a third.
You know without a doubt that Jared and Shannon are twinned like that.
Well, what if it isn't just small intimate circles? What if Jared has drawn us in like a magnet.
The touching part ... discussing the Dallas Buyers Club Q&A ... was seeing again the way he looks for us in a crowd. The way when he's nervous he uses us as his touchstone the way we use him as ours. The mutual love and need and ....
*more tears*
Yes, this is a cult. The Church of Mars. Where we protect our own, but we invite all to worship. All who understand.
But we don't tolerate false prophets. We have no affection for those who can't SEE Jared. He's angelically beautiful. But god, that pales next to the soul shining out.
Tomo is Echelon. As close as he is, I think he still has that awe. Still a mature soul?
I'm wondering about Shannon, though.
Having come to Mars indirectly through Alexander, I still see shades of Alexander and Hephaistion with Jared and Shannon. Only Jared is the sun and Shannon the moon.
*pictures Alexander and Hephaistion riding into Babylon *
He's a fraction of a step behind.
I'm not sure whether to peg Shannon as ... no, Shannon is an old soul, too. It's in the eyes. But if you go by these teachings... Jared's an older, old soul. Does that sound bizarre?
Fits them, though. Don't know Constance enough to say, but I'm sure the three of them have lived many lives together.
All we've learned of Shannon's youth and his assertion that Jared was the one he ran too. *tears*
Yeah.
Real life is knocking at my door, quite literally. Going to have to sit this aside for awhile. But I'm writing this in bed, under the covers, and all I want to do is mutually cuddle in bed with Jared and talk about ... everything and nothing.
5:05 pm
Note: I'm going to leave that with run on sentences and all. Only thing I corrected from my stream of consciousness hand written version is my spelling errors.