weird
So, I was just reading some old entries on here, of my own and other peoples'. It amazes me how much I miss the old days when I lived at Country Ridge, and drank tea with Becky and danced around with Bethany, and hung out with Ricky. Ricky, if you're reading this, we had a fantastic summer together, I think. It was a big adventure. And Becky, if you're reading this... I know you belong in Tennessee, I have seen it with my own eyes... But you were so great to have around allllllllll the time, not just randomly... Oh well. I guess I am lucky to have spent the time I have with people. I know that. But just for this minute, I want to be a little sad and look backwards instead of forward, and remember some sweet moments, like staying at the Double Tree and drunken nights at 2005. And of course my grandparents. The sweetest moments of my life, maybe, were spent sitting at their kitchen table, laughing about something stupid on tv, or listening to my grandpa tell stories while my grandma tried to force more food on me... I miss those things so much it makes my throat hurt... I miss my grandma's little feet and her crazy toenails that grew insanely fast (yes, this might gross some people out but get over it). I miss my grandma telling me to remind her of something, and then laughing later on when we'd both forget. I miss cleaning my grandma's bathroom, and humming along as she hummed along to the old music that she always had playing in her house. I miss her hugs and I miss when she'd tell it to me straight. I miss her little giggle and when she'd roll her eyes at grandpa, and when grandpa would roll his eyes at her. I miss seeing my grandpa sitting back in his office reading romance novels and smoking, occasionally taking naps... always bugging me when I was cleaning. He never just let me mop that kitchen floor, he always had to help. I miss that moment right before I would step into their house, how I would always get a teensy bit excited by what might be going on inside, what my grandma was baking, what new ideas she had for the house... But most of all, what always makes me cry, is that I'll never hear them tell me what they think of what I am making of my life. I guess I didn't realize how much I depended on their opinions. I told them pretty much everything. Over everyone else, they seemed to know what was really good for me... and now I'll never have that again. I'll never know. I feel like I'm a little bit blinded without them. I feel a little bit like it doesn't matter what I do now, because they're not here to see me. Hannah says that they were like another set of parents to her... I don't think that I can put their roles in my life into words. Maybe they meant too much to me or I put too much faith in how they felt and what they said... but honestly I don't think so. My grandma always knew. I feel so cheated that she died like she did. She wasn't even herself at the end. She wanted to live to be 80. I wanted that for her like I've never wanted anything. She didn't die the way she wanted to. It isn't fair. It's just not and it never will be. There's no way to make it right. There was nothing I could say to comfort her... I felt so useless, after all the time we'd spent together, I couldn't do a thing for her when she needed it the most. I feel like I let her down, and I want to apologize to her, but I want to hear her forgive me. And I'll never get that from her. I'm so mad! Losing her has made me see things much differently... the best things in life are definitely free, but then you'll lose the best things first it seems. SO what do you do? Do you hold on as tight as you can until you die, or do you go out into the world and find adventure and take risks? I don't know anymore. I'm going to try and do both... And I really hope my grandma is watching me. Grandma and Grandpa, I hope that you're proud...I hope that you love me and knew how much I loved you and always will...I hope you knew that I saw you as real people, not just old people or old-fashioned people. I hope you know that I did all I could at the time...when you were sick. I didn't know where I belonged! There were so many people...I hope that when I was there, that you knew it and that you forgive me for not being there as much as other people. I know I'm selfish, and I know that I make stupid decisions sometimes but I also know that deep down I am a good person who tries to do the right thing, and I know that because those are lessons that you taught me. Oh God. Shine some light on me, please.