The girl I left behind me
Friday, December 22.
I have 3 Nutcracker shows left...in my whole entire life. It hasn't hit in its entirety yet. Or maybe it has. Maybe I just won't let it.
As much as I hate to admit it, and as lame as it sounds coming from me, the queen of cynicism, this whole thing has been an awakening. This is exactly what I wanted to do when I started ballet at age 3. Crazy, isn't it? I've been blessed for God knows what reason. Really. This whole semester I was crazy busy with school, SAT's, finals, college applications, and rehearsals and had my fair share of breakdowns. I don't think I ever slowed down or my mind stopped reeling...I've dreamt of taking Aara's technique class and of taking calculus tests...only to wake up in the middle of the dream trying to integrate something that I'd dreamed of and could no longer remember as I drifted between being awake and asleep. That's how stressed I've been.
But now, I'm finished with school...until Jan 9th, and I can relax some.
I'd never go as far as to say or admit I love ballet without wanting to vomit, but since Nut. started let's just say...I haven't hated it. Take that for what it's worth. The past two nights, I've found myself teary-eyed watching Gina and Eric as Sugar Plum and Cavelier. It was just one of those moments that's so amazing it almost makes you upset because you know nothing's ever going to this good again...this type of good anyway. It's one of those moments I wouldn't trade for anything else in the world. If everything in Nut. had sucked so far, that moment would have made up for everything. Words cannot describe how amazing it is to share the stage with your favorite dancer[s]. As much as I try to fight it, I am still that little girl inside. You know, that girl who has a favorite dancer and is excited to see them and is positively and purely giddy at the sight of them dancing. Most angels and mice are those little girls. And so am I...but to less of an extreme, of course. On Wed. I gave roses to 5 dancers...Michelle, Ashley, Aara, Allisyn, and Gina. Allisyn and Gina got the most...Gina's was complete with a card, telling her how much I love watching her and how she's my favorite mom and Sugar Plum. Vomit, I know, but I can't help it. Here I am, 10 years/Nutcrackers post angel/mouse, and I haven't outgrown some things.
This whole ballet thing has had its ups and downs, but I wouldn't trade any of it. It honestly takes guts and a whole lot of passion to make it as a dancer; I could never do it. There are the breath-taking moments of Snow Pas and the hilarious ones backstage with say, Orlando, but then there are heart-wrenching ones, like being in the elevator with your favorite Sugar Plum, only to see her face dripping with tears from (I assume) the immense pain she's in. I admire, applaude, and have the utmost respect for all of them...well...maybe not all of them...but a good 99% of them. They don't get the recognition they desrve.
All I'm saying is that this whole Nutcracker experience and the whole ballet thing has been outrageously rewarding, and it only took me 15 years to figure it out. I have seen two worlds of it. In the first I have been a giddy child again...or for the first time, kissed goodnight by Drosselmeyer, killed the rat king, embraced the Snow Queen, ridden in a sleigh pushed by a prince, been kissed on the forehead and welcomed by the Sugar Plum Fairy, and sat on a "throne" trying not to wince from the pain in my feet...all in one night. The second world is far superior; it consists of all the people who have made an impact on me in one way or another; it is made up of the real dancers behind the stage make-up and constumes, who have come and gone over the years. I am going to soak up these next two days like it's nobody's business. This is all I have left, and I intend to make the most of it.
I have 3 Nutcracker shows left...in my whole entire life. It hasn't hit in its entirety yet. Or maybe it has. Maybe I just won't let it.
As much as I hate to admit it, and as lame as it sounds coming from me, the queen of cynicism, this whole thing has been an awakening. This is exactly what I wanted to do when I started ballet at age 3. Crazy, isn't it? I've been blessed for God knows what reason. Really. This whole semester I was crazy busy with school, SAT's, finals, college applications, and rehearsals and had my fair share of breakdowns. I don't think I ever slowed down or my mind stopped reeling...I've dreamt of taking Aara's technique class and of taking calculus tests...only to wake up in the middle of the dream trying to integrate something that I'd dreamed of and could no longer remember as I drifted between being awake and asleep. That's how stressed I've been.
But now, I'm finished with school...until Jan 9th, and I can relax some.
I'd never go as far as to say or admit I love ballet without wanting to vomit, but since Nut. started let's just say...I haven't hated it. Take that for what it's worth. The past two nights, I've found myself teary-eyed watching Gina and Eric as Sugar Plum and Cavelier. It was just one of those moments that's so amazing it almost makes you upset because you know nothing's ever going to this good again...this type of good anyway. It's one of those moments I wouldn't trade for anything else in the world. If everything in Nut. had sucked so far, that moment would have made up for everything. Words cannot describe how amazing it is to share the stage with your favorite dancer[s]. As much as I try to fight it, I am still that little girl inside. You know, that girl who has a favorite dancer and is excited to see them and is positively and purely giddy at the sight of them dancing. Most angels and mice are those little girls. And so am I...but to less of an extreme, of course. On Wed. I gave roses to 5 dancers...Michelle, Ashley, Aara, Allisyn, and Gina. Allisyn and Gina got the most...Gina's was complete with a card, telling her how much I love watching her and how she's my favorite mom and Sugar Plum. Vomit, I know, but I can't help it. Here I am, 10 years/Nutcrackers post angel/mouse, and I haven't outgrown some things.
This whole ballet thing has had its ups and downs, but I wouldn't trade any of it. It honestly takes guts and a whole lot of passion to make it as a dancer; I could never do it. There are the breath-taking moments of Snow Pas and the hilarious ones backstage with say, Orlando, but then there are heart-wrenching ones, like being in the elevator with your favorite Sugar Plum, only to see her face dripping with tears from (I assume) the immense pain she's in. I admire, applaude, and have the utmost respect for all of them...well...maybe not all of them...but a good 99% of them. They don't get the recognition they desrve.
All I'm saying is that this whole Nutcracker experience and the whole ballet thing has been outrageously rewarding, and it only took me 15 years to figure it out. I have seen two worlds of it. In the first I have been a giddy child again...or for the first time, kissed goodnight by Drosselmeyer, killed the rat king, embraced the Snow Queen, ridden in a sleigh pushed by a prince, been kissed on the forehead and welcomed by the Sugar Plum Fairy, and sat on a "throne" trying not to wince from the pain in my feet...all in one night. The second world is far superior; it consists of all the people who have made an impact on me in one way or another; it is made up of the real dancers behind the stage make-up and constumes, who have come and gone over the years. I am going to soak up these next two days like it's nobody's business. This is all I have left, and I intend to make the most of it.